By Caeriel Crestin - For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you this week?

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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

One year I decided I was bored with my summer birthday and resolved to be a Scorpio for a year. I chose your sign not only because I wish I was as sexy as all of you, but because I’ve always had tremendous respect for Scorpios—mostly because of your conviction, passion, and willingness to explore nearly every nook and cranny of your personality, no matter how extreme. Since then, though, I’ve encountered several Scorpios who were indecisive, lackluster, and afraid of their own shadows. That’s right, some members of your hot little tribe aren’t living up to the hype. You’re not one of those, are you? Step it up, just in case.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

This week, be a skunk. As you contemplate new defense mechanisms to protect you from the rough and tumble world, forego anything like claws, venom, and spiky fur. Go for something essentially benign, yet just as effective. I’m not suggesting you skip showers for a week or three (though that might work, too). However, I do believe there are non-violent, and possibly humorous, ways to keep at bay those you don’t want around. This week, work on finding one of those. When those undesirables start walking swiftly in the other direction the second they spot you, you’ll know you found it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

We know you have staying power. But this week let’s talk about the joy of quitting. I hope at some point you’ve experienced the euphoria of shrugging off the shackles of an oppressively bad job, and finally telling your crappy boss exactly what you think of them. Remember how you couldn’t stop grinning like an idiot as you walked away? This week there’s pleasure and benefit to be had in quitting something that’s played a central role in your life for too long (if you haven’t quit smoking and would like to, give it a try now). Don’t be afraid of your attachments. Cutting free of them won’t be a hardship. It’ll be bliss.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

There are now more overweight people in the world than underweight people. There are of course still hungry people all over, but in general the world’s population—even in developing nations—is fat and getting fatter. Cross-cultural trends (overwhelming consumption of high-carb beverages, for example) are slathering pounds on people all over the world. Your own life’s on this track, too. I’m not saying you need to lose weight, necessarily. I’m just pointing out that your bad habits (of thought and practice) are starting to outweigh your good ones. See if you can tip that balance back, before you break the scale.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You’re too hard on yourself. It’s good to strive for positive changes in your life, but attempting to do so by making yourself feel guilty, obligated, or lame just won’t work. Those strategies might do in a pinch, but to create lasting, beneficial changes in your life you’ve got to come from a more positive place. Be gentle and encouraging with yourself, but firm. You know what’s best for you, and what you’ve got to do. What’s left is to quit dragging your feet and get it done. Be as supportive and positive with yourself as you can. You need all the encouragement you can get; even if it has to come from somewhere within you, that’s better than nothing.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Rams are vulnerable. Most people don’t know that, because you’ve got these big curly metaphorical horns that you can use to bust some serious ass. Since on some levels you’re so badass, some people overestimate your emotional toughness. Your skin’s not as thick as they think it is, and you can be wounded by a lot of the shit that comes your way. Don’t be afraid of your sensitivity. A tough person with a secretly warm squishy heart is incredibly attractive. Let people know it’s there, not just so they’ll go easier on you, but hopefully so they’ll get into bed with you, too.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You know that nest egg/emergency fund you’ve got squirreled away somewhere? Dip into it. You have the chance to dramatically improve your life right now. I know it’s a risk, tapping into that cache for anything less than whatever it was intended for—and you must strictly forbid yourself from ever doing it again—but just this once it might be worth it. The way you live is too safe, anyway. Live it up, a little, joyfully, firmly banishing guilt or anxiety. You’ll be able to recuperate the money you spent—and because of how you spent it, you’ll have a lot more fun than you did the first time around.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Forget preemptive strikes. Breaking up with your lover before they dump you or quitting your job before you get fired may seem like a good idea, but it’s not. In this case, your paranoid fantasies about what you think will happen aren’t entirely accurate. The conclusion you fear can still be prevented, and rushing towards it and making sure it’ll happen is simply not the appropriate solution. Forget that self-defeating bullshit. This week, defy your cynicism and self-doubt and behave as if everything will work out beautifully, instead of willfully manifesting the worst-case scenario. Things might not work out, despite your best efforts—but at least you’ll have allowed for the possibility.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Crack that whip. It’s going to take all of your best goading, pleading, nagging, cajoling, and bribery to keep yourself on track this week. It’s in your best interest that you do, though, since the path you’ve chosen is a positive one for you, even if it’s difficult. It’d be a shame to give up now (even though the naughtiest and laziest parts of you think throwing in the towel would be a brilliant idea), since you’ve already put in so much time and energy. You’re almost to the home stretch. Kick your own ass and get there. You’ll be glad you did; the last ten miles are all downhill.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Change your passwords. It’s in your nature to be trusting of other people—and you should. Most people, especially the people you surround yourself with, are trustworthy and suspecting them of anything shady would be insulting. Don’t get paranoid. However, it’s also better to be safe than sorry; it’d take only one miserable asshole to shatter your faith in humankind, when the vast majority of us are actually deserving of that faith. Change your passwords. Also take other reasonable precautions to keep yourself safe. Then you can relax and enjoy all the people who’d never steal from you—and know that you’re secure from the one or two who might try.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Don’t be a perfectionist, unless you like screwing yourself over. Life is imperfect. Accept that, and you’ll be much, much happier. Perfectionists defeat themselves almost all of the time. They’ll take something that’s almost perfect, and ruin it with their attempts to improve it further. Know when to stop and settle. 98% of what you hoped for is better than what you’d end up with while striving for 100%. I know there’s part of you that’s into the whole self-sabotage thing, but I hope you’re working on outgrowing that. Here’s one step along the way.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

This situation has an expiration date. I don’t know whether that’s good news or bad news, but it is what it is. There are ways you can postpone the inevitable, if you want to; stick that carton of milk in the a very cold fridge and it won’t go bad nearly as fast as it would sitting on a sunny windowsill. But eventually that milk will become sour and undrinkable no matter what. So what to do now that you know the carton of milk in your hands is about to go bad? Well, that’s up to you. You can stash it in that cold fridge and only sip it on odd-numbered days, trying to stretch it out as long as possible, or you can just gulp it all down now and get it over with. Whatever you do, enjoy it to the best of your ability—and when it’s gone, let it go.

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By Caeriel Crestin

For Weekender

To contact Caeriel, send mail to [email protected]

To contact Caeriel, send mail to [email protected]