Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you this week?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
End the internal debate at once. Sometimes you just have to make a decision, and resolve to simply live with the consequences. In this case, there are too many unknowns. Making a clear choice is just plain impossible; nothing’s the least bit obvious. Trying to factor all those variables into your plans would only make you nuts (or an unevolved Libra, endlessly dithering and never acting). It sucks to have to make a leap of faith while partially blindfolded, but let me assure you—it’s far better than not leaping at all. Let me also remind you: you almost always land on your feet, regardless of the mess you jump into. You will this time, too.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Don’t mess with success. I offer this trite cliché as valid advice, because your admirable ideas to shake things up and try something different will almost certainly backfire this week (making you doubt yourself even more than you already do). Save those great ideas and experiments for another week, when they’re more likely to succeed. For now, go with what you know. When in doubt, go retro. You don’t need to be cutting edge; your forte is being classy, not trendy. Why bother with the new when you can do the tried-and-true better than anyone you know?
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Poor Pluto. More than a decade ago, it was demoted to “dwarf planet” status, when scientists discovered that there are even more massive versions of those roaming the edges of our solar system. What does this mean, astrologically? From some perspectives it could indicate that Scorpio stock is way down, that what you have to offer is steadily losing value. But I think it’s actually indicative of a new era—a new way of being a Scorpio. Our society is sorely in need of fresh, revolutionary perspectives about sex and death—two of your primal foci. No one is more qualified to figure out how to take what we think and feel about our sexuality and mortality and turn it on its head.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
In Centralia, Pennsylvania, unpredictable subterranean coal fires have been burning for decades. A while back the government declared the place too dangerous for habitation and offered to buy residents’ houses. Nearly everyone moved; as of 2013 only 7 die-hards remained. I can’t explain why they stuck it out, except, perhaps, out of sheer stubbornness; surely practically everything they ever loved about the place must have vanished with the fleeing residents. Are you still inhabiting somewhere (perhaps an idea, a relationship, or a situation) that no longer resembles the place you moved into? Maybe it changed for the better, but if it got worse, isn’t it time you moved out, especially if there’s a good alternative deal on offer?
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You might prefer not to multi-task. In general, you might even prove to be more efficient when you focus on only one thing at a time. This week, however, that’s a luxury you can’t afford, as there are likely to be thousands or millions of demands on your attention. If you give them each a number and ask them to wait their turn, you’ll soon be facing a mutiny. This is where you have to take your organization skills to new levels, and figure out how to do three, five, or eight things at once, without killing yourself or screwing them all up.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Many Aquarians devote significant chunks of their lives perfecting skills that arguably have little practical purpose, beyond being an enjoyable “waste of time.” They write poetry, they play Ping-Pong, they build model airplanes, and so on. Sure, at the outer edges of those eclectic interests lie possible sources of income or notoriety, or chances to make the world a significantly better place. I know you do what you do because it’s fun, and no other reason, but now is a good time to explore just how viable those options might be. How far can you take this obsessive hobby of yours, really? This week, find out.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Try to remember how insecure everybody is. Sometimes you get so caught up in your own self-doubts that you forget that everybody else is experiencing something like them, too. Consequently you take on more negativity than you ought to, convinced that any shit going down has everything to do with your shortcomings, when it could actually stem from someone else’s fears and doubts, or something else altogether. Because most of the crap floating your way this week has virtually nothing to do with you, I ask you to remember that we’re all weak, sometimes, and imperfect. Then you can quit feeling bad about the situation, and start improving it instead.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Rams are supposed to recreate reality to suit them. It’s what you do. I know I’ve frequently asked you to temper that urge, and be sensitive to situations that you shouldn’t butt your big head into. Still, I hope you haven’t lost the knack, because this week it’s time for you to take charge, whip things into shape, and make them conform to your own (in this case) brilliant ideas about how things should be. Don’t take no for an answer. Be bossy. You know what’s best, this time, even if others don’t want to admit it. Make them see the light. They may be too stubborn to thank you later, but never mind that; most of us will.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I have a friend whose teeth hurt when she eats things that are too sweet. Another feels weary and lethargic if he doesn’t do his daily stretches and workout. I get slightly chapped lips whenever I’m stressed out or especially sleep deprived. The point is we’re all given subtle hints about how to best take care of ourselves, from our bodies, dreams, and other sources. You’ve been ignoring yours, or denying them. Unfortunately, when you don’t heed these gentle reminders, you’re usually given more forceful ones you can’t so easily disregard. Don’t let it come to that, please.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
There have been so many times you’ve been forced to eat your words. It wouldn’t be so bad if they were forgotten after you chewed them up, forced them down, and shat them out. Unfortunately, they often keep coming back to haunt you. Sometimes this serves as a useful reminder about what kinds of mistakes and missteps to avoid in the future; usually it’s just annoying, because you’re not about to forget those hard-learned lessons. This week, if someone tries to make you chew up and swallow something you said more than a year ago, consider yourself within your rights to spit it back in his face, and gently assure him that you don’t need to taste that particular dish ever again.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You can get sunburn on a cloudy day. It might be windy and chilly, so you wouldn’t even notice the UV rays scorching your skin. I don’t believe in living in fear of unforeseeable consequences, but sometimes preventative measures are just so easy that it’s pointless not to do them. Slapping on a coat of sunscreen would take just a few seconds. Consider similarly simple protective efforts this week and in general; they could keep you safe from boatloads of suffering and misery. They may also prove to be entirely unnecessary, but do you really want to find out the hard way?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Every sign has its ruling planet, and yes, you’re ruled by the Sun. That’s how amazing and badass you are. You get to own all that radiance and power this week, and embody it as only you can do, but please don’t let it go to your head. Humility is a virtue that’s sometimes hard for your average shining, brilliant Leo to master. You’ve at least grasped the basics, and it’d be a shame to lose your grip on those now; being humble could come in handy in the weeks to come—resulting, ironically, in more glory, attention, and adoration.
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