I’d rather pull your finger

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First Posted: 4/10/2014

On my 26th birthday, I received a buffet dinner that my parents paid for, a chocolate cake (even though I hate chocolate cake and vanilla is my favorite), and an invitation to join the group of nearly 50 million Americans without health insurance, as I was officially kicked off my parents’ health care plan. I knew life after college wouldn’t be a marathon of bribing teachers, themed parties, and keg stands, but I didn’t think it would direct me to a point in life where I’d be eating Flintstones vitamins as health insurance.

There’s something about relying on chewable versions of children named Bamm-Bamm and Pebbles to stay healthy that causes you to reevaluate your life.

That’s when I decided to give some other healthy techniques a try. First, I tried juicing. After watching a documentary on Netflix called “Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead” (ironically the original working title of this column), about an unhealthy man on a 60-day juice cleanse to regain his health, I thought I found a way to remain as healthy as possible. For people who actually have insurance, I guess this was my way of seeking a second opinion.

However, cleaning a juicer was a major pain in the ass. When I left the detached remains of my juicer soaking in the kitchen sink for two weeks because I couldn’t be bothered with the headache of cleaning it, my dad threw it away on me.

But like “Friday After Next” star Ice Cube may have possibly said at some point (don’t quote me on it), when Plan A doesn’t work, remember there are 34 other letters in the alphabet.

Wait, that doesn’t sound right.

Needless to say, after juicing was an epic fail, it was time for Plan B. That’s why last week I tried oil pulling.

An ancient Ayurvedic remedy for oral health and detoxification, oil pulling involves the use of pure oils as agents for pulling harmful bacteria, fungus, and other organisms out of the mouth, teeth, gums, and even throat.

The instructions called for a tablespoon of organic coconut oil (virgin, cold-pressed, unrefined) to swish around in your mouth for 20 minutes before spitting into the garbage.

“Sounds easy enough!” I thought to myself.

As I was parading the spoonful of coconut oil into my mouth while making an airplane noise – which seemed appropriate for the vibe I was going for in the Instagram video I was using it for – I even noticed it smelled like a Mounds bar.

When I put the oil in my mouth, I instantly threw it up.


I continued four more times, desperately hoping to build a tolerance for the pile of organic s—t I was placing in my mouth. No success.

Then, as I smelled a grilled cheese my sister was making, the repulsion of the aftertaste faded, giving me a brilliant idea.

That’s when I made my own grilled cheese, sniffing the buttery, cheesy pan as I held a pile of organic oil in my mouth. Though hovering over a stove with my nostrils pressed against a grilled cheese in the middle of cooking was ridiculous, it got the job done. I successfully completed oil pulling without throwing up.

When I’m finished with the jar of coconut oil, though, I’ll probably go back to Flintstones vitamins. I’d rather pull someone’s finger than oil.

If I can survive without car insurance, I should be fine without health insurance, right?

Wait, that doesn’t sound right.