Online dating is like an endless menu of possibilities.
Whether you are looking to make lasting connections or just have a little fun, there’s an app for that
Meeting up for coffee or drinks can be a great first ice-breaker, but you can also consider something more fun and active for your first date so you don’t have to focus on perfecting the conversation.
EDITOR’S NOTE: We partnered with WBRE/WYOU to find out more about the online dating world. Gabrielle Lang teamed with WBRE’s Jason LiVecchi to investigate the story. Here Gabrielle shares in her voice what they’ve learned.
It’s now safer and smarter to download a dating app than to risk it out in the wild. Advancement in technology has revolutionized finding love.
Hopefuls can now narrow down the dating pool to those who match their interests. After one relationship ends, making a Hinge or Tinder profile is the first step to getting back out there.
The tools are at our fingertips, but it’s not always rainbows and butterflies.
Navigating the online dating era can be a confusing, daunting feat; meanwhile, looking for love out in the real world may seem impossible.
Realistically, what are singles expected to do — stalk the bookstore in hopes of a serendipitous meet-cute?
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, nearly 47% of the U.S. population is single, so the Times Leader and WBRE teamed up to find out how locals are making out on the digital quest for love.
From what we gathered, singles of all ages and sexual orientations face common issues — with lasting connection being the number one problem and number one desire.
“I feel like people are getting frustrated with it, because it makes it instant gratification,” said Brad Pacalis of Binghamton, who we met on his visit to the city of Scranton. “If you have too many options, you get overwhelmed.”
Online dating is like an endless menu of possibilities. Sure, maybe you’ve seen some of these dishes before, but all those choices create new challenges. Swiping left and right can feel more comfortable than making plans with a potential partner.
“Going on those apps, you can feel your self-worth going down because you start to compare yourself,” said Pacalis. “It can also make (you) more separated and more self-conscious.”
Rejecting people is made easy by swipe-based apps like Tinder, Hinge and the numerous dating apps that have adopted the same model. Pacalis said he thinks we need to get back to creating stronger connections and stop searching for perfection.
Getting trapped in dating app world removes the human element from dating, which is ironic considering it’s, um, dating.
Even in a sea of possibilities, it can feel like you’re all alone out there.
“It’s easy for people to not think of someone as a person when you haven’t met them and don’t have a human-to-human connection with them,” said Dianna Brown, a professional singer and dancer at Brown Initiative.
Me? Oh, I’ve tried Tinder, Hinge, briefly Bumble, Tinder again, Hinge again, whoops Tinder a third time…and although I have met wonderful people through dating apps, I still haven’t found “my person.” So, what am I doing wrong? Am I not giving out enough chances? Am I giving out too many? Not spending enough time on the app?
Spring may be the time to test a new approach when NEPA dating membership sees a resurgence. Four of the five individuals we interviewed deleted apps before the holidays and considering rejoining as their hopes revive with the warm weather.
Dating app burnout
The biggest challenge facing singles we spoke to was burnout. They’re spending plenty of time swiping but not finding any keepers. Then, they periodically got frustrated, deleted the apps and returned later to give it another shot.
“I’ve been on and off dating apps the last three to four years. I feel like it’s cyclical — I’ll be on for a little bit, and I get sick of them and I’m off for a little bit,” Brown said.
Two things these singles sought most out of dating apps sounded almost the opposite. They seek deeper, more meaningful connections with matches — but also, they don’t want to spend months texting without a face-to-face. They want to book that first date as quickly as possible but take their time once they get there.
“I feel like I probably only have a conversation that lasts more than two days with like 20% of the people I match with,” said Brown.
Dating apps may begin melding the in-person with the swipe platform to combat the burn out singles are experiencing.
Apps like thursday° limit wasted time and arrange IRL singles meet-ups at regional venues. Or social experiments like pearº that implore singles to wear a big, fat ugly teal ring to show the world you’re available. Neither option is available in the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre area, but this shows online dating apps recognize the problem.
So, what can you do to avoid dating app fatigue? Well, there’s no magic equation when it comes to finding love, but take it one match at a time.
Dating apps can often feel go-go-go, but don’t add so much pressure. It’s just a hang out. This isn’t “Love is Blind.” You don’t have to decide if you want to marry them at the end. Good or bad, each first date can teach you something.
“One thing about it, it has made me think about what I want to get out of a relationship and what I’m looking for. Before dating apps, I didn’t do that as much,” said Pacalis.
Red flag, green flag
Dating apps have improved tenfold since the early days of Tinder in the early to mid 2010s, but all options still have their pitfalls. Believe in magic but stay suspicious of anything that sounds too good to be true.
If you get catfished, don’t blame yourself.
The MTV show “Catfish” has had more than 200 episodes. These people are professionals. I was recently catfished by someone who turned out to be using photos of former Steelers running back, Le’Veon Bell, so don’t feel that bad. Everyone has their reasons for being on there — the good, the bad and the just plain weird.
“Not everybody is looking for a relationship. Some people are looking for very interesting things, and that’s all fine — but it’s a red flag,” said one single mother from Luzerne County who uses Tinder, Hinge and Stir.
She shared that she often schedules other casual plans after first dates to ease the pressure. If she wants to spend more time with her match, she can cancel and stay longer — and if the date goes poorly, she has something else to remember the day by.
Most heterosexual women we spoke to said they were turned off by any shirtless photos, unless they’re at a beach or pool or somewhere natural to be shirtless. So, maybe save that gym flex for another day.
“If I see more than two mirror selfies, I’m out,” laughed Brown.
Dating apps can feel like a lot of work for little reward. Don’t compromise on what you need out of a relationship, but stay open to new experiences with new people. That’s what being single is all about.
“I think it just depends on what kind of person you are and what you’re looking for. And that’s how you can find love or meet a serial killer — who knows,” said Jackie Cunha from Scranton.
Maximizing success
Singles want more meaningful connections, so what can we do to get more of the good out of dating apps? Utilize tricks of the trade to succeed more often both on and off the smartphone.
“I always look for someone who is passionate about their job, when they have pictures of them doing something they like — if they like hiking or reading or riding a motorcycle, whatever it is. I like to see that people are working and living life and having fun.” said Brown.
Taking the initiative to set up plans is hot. A coffee or grab-a-drink is always a great first ice-breaker, but you can also consider something more fun and active for your date so that you don’t have to focus on perfecting the conversation.
“I really love dates where you’re doing something. Going on a walk or a hike afterwards, go bowling, try something new, go to a paint and sip — do something!” said Brown.
A good first date is all well and good, but Brown says it’s all about the follow-through. Often things just die down and you fall victim to the infamous “ghosting.” If things go well, don’t wait to set up that second date.
“I think Tinder gets a bad rap because it’s seen as a hookup app, but I did find that on Tinder the conversation flowed easier. Those guys were more inclined to ask for a phone number or a date. Whereas Bumble, the last time I was on there a guy would talk for six months,” said one woman from Luzerne County.
As far as which app is the best for success, reviews came in mixed. Brown says she uses Bumble and Hinge to book more serious dates. Another woman uses Hinge and Stir. Jackie Cunha found success with Hinge after a successful relaxed coffee date.
“I’ve had good experiences and I’ve also had pretty bad ones but I met my current boyfriend on Hinge. We don’t tell people we met on Hinge though! We say we met at a saloon, and I walked in and saw him playing the piano,” said Cunha.
But the best advice for dating both on and offline is just to be yourself because that’s who you want them to like anyway.
“I started getting better results when I got weird. When I started getting weird and specific on my profile. I put like ‘I’m looking for divine union’ and that caught some attention. Or like, not my prettiest pics, but my weirdest ones got the most attention and attracted people with the same sense of humor as me,” said Cunha.
Trust the process
More than anything, those who have used dating apps want to encourage others not to give up! Looking for love can be exhausting, but it can also be an adventure.
“You’ll find your person whether it’s on an app or not. It’s a matter of timing,” said one woman from Luzerne County.
“Make a list of all the things you want and the non-negotiables. Don’t settle. And eventually that person will show up,” said another.
From my own online dating experience and in interviewing these lovely local singles, rest assured that it’s not all horndogs and catfishes out there. There are countless excellent people out there to meet even if it doesn’t last forever.
“I think you can meet someone anywhere. If that energy is flowing, then it doesn’t really matter if you met them on a dating app,” said Cuhna.
Dating apps give everyone a chance to get out there and share an experience with someone new. If you’re exhausted, that’s because you’re trying.
Instead of waiting around for love to find you, embrace the proactive approach of online dating. Take chances, set boundaries, explore connections and stay hopeful for the possibilities ahead.
Not every date is going to be your perfect match, but every swipe, every conversation and every date is a step forward in finding what you truly desire.
Avoiding dating app burnout
Here are some tips to keep a good dating-life balance with your dating apps.
• Don’t be afraid to unmatch or block (when necessary) those who don’t fit the bill.
• Don’t feel guilty if you can’t respond to everybody.
• Your time is valuable and not everyone deserves it. If you’re talking to someone on the app for weeks without any plans to meet up, set up a date or move on.
• If they reschedule more than once — delete them.
• Filter out anyone who doesn’t meet your wants and stick to it! If you want a long-term relationship, stop going out with “I don’t knows.”
• Focus on who interests you the most and get a date on the calendar.
• If you’re fried, take a break. The apps will be there when you’re ready to try again.
• Relax. Dating is supposed to be fun.
Safety Tips for Online Dating
• Exchange social media profiles before giving out your phone number or meeting up. Confirm their identity on Facebook or Instagram to weed out any catfishes, scammers or bots.
• Always meet for the first time in a public place.
• Let a friend or family member know where you’re going and who you are meeting up with. I usually tell my best girlfriends and turn on my Snapchat location so they can see where I am.
• Arrive separately when meeting someone for the first time. Better yet, if you really want to impress your date — send an Uber to scoop them up like royalty.
• Pictures are a little too perfect? Bust out the Reverse Image Search on those selfies if you’re unsure if they are who they say they are.
