By Caeriel Crestin - For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you this week?

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Gemini (May 21-June 20)

It’s new school vs. old school this week, and guess what? You, of course, get to push for the new, better way of doing things. Newer isn’t always an improvement; it’s quite often the opposite, actually, which is where the old school gets its strength. However, this time, traditional sticks-in-the-mud have it wrong, and it’s up to you to show (and prove) it to them. Are you up to the task? I think you are. Hint: “Do as I say, not as I do,” won’t cut it this week. You can’t tell them how things could be better. You have to show them.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

A strong desire for surprises can often help you in life. In fact, they’re about the only thing you can, ultimately, count on. Having expectations — of your children, say — will only lead to disappointment. However, entering parenthood or a relationship with excitement about all the unknowable things the new person will bring into your life is going to make you much happier than the vain hope that you can effectively steer them or your connection in any direction. How deep is your thirst for exploring uncontrollable, thrilling new territory with someone new? This week, swallow a spoonful of salt or do whatever it takes to make sure it’s fairly unquenchable, because that’s what you’ll be up to.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Imagine you were an animal with only one chance per year of having a baby. If predators or circumstance claimed a few of your precious infants, it would be quite hard to contemplate trying again. Hopefully, you would anyway, and you’d also be smart enough to attempt a different strategy to help your child survive. Luckily, you can breed whenever you like. Falling in love, however, is another matter. Most Leos only open to that every so often — and with less frequency after being hurt or screwed over. However, I hope you haven’t given up forever — and that, when you do allow the possibility again, you try something truly different, something that might just allow your love to survive.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Although world-renowned as the epitome of practicality, you ought to be equally well-known for some of your cockamamie ideas. You’re usually a miracle of efficiency, so practically no one notices when you pour your abundant energy into these truly twisted and deluded ventures, except those closest to you (who probably tried to stop you, and would have, if you weren’t so stubborn). I won’t try to convince you not to pursue your latest private obsession (these zany side trips are part of what I love about you). However, if your idiosyncrasies get in the way of something undeniably real (like your relationship), would you consider, at least this week, taking them down a notch or two?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

If you ask advice of a friend, be prepared to seriously consider taking it, even if it’s not what you want to hear. You’re under absolutely no obligation to do what they say — but you ought to give it a fair listen. If you’re simply fishing for validation, don’t piss off your friends by ignoring them if they don’t give it to you. All people delude themselves at times. Sometimes you have the benefit of a straight-talking, no-bullshit friend who’ll help you cut through an illusion or two, if you let them. This week, won’t you let them?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Instead of looking at how much you have left to do, consider how much you’ve already done. Yes, the road ahead of you is long, but you’ve come a long way so far. That ought to give you strength and hope. Regarding the stretch ahead of you at the moment is too daunting. Instead, look back at what you’ve already endured and survived, and remind yourself you could do it again, and then some. Your trials and travails may have worn you down on the surface, but underneath, they’ve tempered and developed your strength. Dig deep. You’ll find underneath your weary, exhausted exterior, you’re steel.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

As I write this, it’s been raining for days, and even the most adventurous Sags I know have become homebodies, staring glumly out their spotted windows and waiting for the sun to return. You know the feeling, don’t you? Sometimes there’s nothing you can do about a situation except cool your heels and wait it out. That’s exactly the case this week. Being proactive will only frustrate and exhaust you, and possibly make circumstances worse. Chill out. The more you can give this knotty situation a bit of breathing space, the more likely it will untangle itself.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You need carrots, not cattle-prods, this week. You’ve had enough nagging and ass-kicking in your life lately. You deserve some kind of reward. Not a vacation, not yet. You’ve still got a lot to do. But maybe you can find a way to treat yourself after every step along the way? You might need the promise (and delivery) of sweet treats, or massages, or dates, or screws, to get you through the next few chapters. Don’t deny yourself. Being stern and hard on yourself isn’t going to cut it at the moment. Be sweet, gentle, and encouraging instead.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Don your verbal boxing gloves, because it’s time to step up (again) and go to battle for what you know is right and just. Why you? It’s your job, I’m afraid. You’re the most versatile and rugged of the air signs, and uniquely qualified. Libras make great politicians and moderators, and Geminis are funny and inventive. But only you can marry emotion to fact effectively and not be knocked out by a determined counterattack. That’s what’s required this week: someone to stand up for what they believe in who can take a few punches and keep on fighting. Like it or not, darling, that’s you.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

It’s like you were bitten by a Volkswagen-sized spider, and now you’re just waiting, paralyzed, for it to return and suck out your insides. Only the waiting can last months or years, and there’s no spider venom; this incapacitation is purely self-induced. What you need to know is that it only gets worse; the longer you wait before you act, the harder it will be. The thing you also need to know is that it’s never too late to step up and do something. Quit waiting, you delusional creature. Haven’t you suffered enough? I guarantee that whatever you do now will hurt you less, in the long run, than not doing anything, and, even if it stings a bit now, you won’t regret it.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Is anybody still listening to you? Sometimes, you get so impassioned about something that you can go on and on, and not even notice that everyone you’re talking to has tuned out, or even walked away. Pay attention, darling. Most of the people around you adore you, but if you take that adoration for granted, it might just get a bit frayed around the edges. Success and happiness this week means seeing the world as it is, and that means noticing that not everyone quite shares your enthusiasms. You still ought to share them — but perhaps in slightly smaller doses.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your Earthy cousins have it rough. Capricorns never take a break because their ambition won’t let them, and Virgos can’t relax and chill out because they simply have too much energy. Sometimes I wish they’d both take a page out of your book, since you know how to get shit done and occasionally stop and enjoy life. Won’t you share your hard-won wisdom with them and get them to sit down long enough to smell some roses, drink some iced tea, and simply do nothing more than chew the fat? Hint: getting them to stop what they’re doing may involve sitting on them and pinning them to the ground. (Watch out: They may bite; luckily, you can take them.)

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By Caeriel Crestin

For Weekender

To contact Caeriel, send mail to [email protected]

To contact Caeriel, send mail to [email protected]