Gemini (May 21-June 20)
I dreamt that you had asthma you were deliberately cultivating and worsening (by smoking). When I woke up, I looked for evidence that you might be doing stuff to intensify or aggravate your suffering, and I certainly found some. Where are these masochistic urges coming from? Are they your self-generated excuses for not doing something brilliant and fantastic with your life? Sure, many things in your life outside of your control don’t work out the way you wish they would. But if you’re not making quite the progress you desire at the moment, I have to tell you: you really have no one to blame but yourself.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You may be record-breaking grudge-holders, but you’re also first-class forgivers. Cancers are generally known for their generosity in doling out second, third, fourth, even fifth chances—when people ask for them. An ounce of contrition and a promise to do better are valuable currency among you Crabs. However, perhaps your exchange rate is just slightly too low this week. I’m not saying you shouldn’t forgive, forget, and bequeath another chance upon your petitioner(s). I’m just suggesting you make them work ever so slightly harder than usual for it. It’ll greatly reduce the likelihood of them requiring yet another chance after this one, and that’s in everyone’s best interest, isn’t it?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’ve been lurking in the wings for a while now, awaiting your cue. What some folks don’t understand about Leos is that you really don’t mind letting others have their turn in the spotlight; it’s just that when it’s your turn to shine, you make the most of it, unlike some people, who squander the moment on undue nervousness or discomfort. Thus you acquire a reputation as requiring the spotlight, when in fact you just relish it. The truth is you’re ace in other roles as well, not just as the center of attention; for instance, you make a fantastic and attentive audience member. You’ll be getting your fair share of the limelight in the coming days; it’s making sure you balance that out with some of the other stuff that’s this week’s main task.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
A Virgo friend of mine was recently told by her doctor that she had an excess of adrenaline. Well, I could have told her that. No one without too much adrenaline could possibly get so much done in so little time and still be ready for more. Okay, not every Virgo has quite the energy gifted by hormonal imbalance. But most Virgos — especially female Virgos — have more than you know what to do with. Mostly, you apply this excess towards making others’ lives better. Screw that, this week. What can you do with all that vim, that’ll improve your experience, not someone else’s?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Your allergy to behavioral, dietary, or relationship extremes keeps you mostly out of trouble, but also out of some exciting and fascinating situations. Sometimes I wish for crazy shit to happen to you, just so you’d finally explore some of your tremendous unrealized potential. I wish you didn’t have to be pushed, against your will, to go there. But I’m not sure how else you’d get to maximize on your raw talent. Could you possibly be tempted to push yourself hard enough to get to it, of your own free will? Somehow I doubt it. But I also hope you’ll prove me wrong.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You don’t have the allergy to extremes that most Libras suffer from. Exploring all that intensity has made you the incredible, fascinating, and ultimately weird person you are today. However, I hope you haven’t made an unbreakable habit out of taking things as absolutely far as they will go. Every once in a while a situation really does work best (and is at its most interesting, ironically) when you take the middle road. This week, you’ll face just one of these scenarios. Don’t take the most reckless or wandering path purely out of habit. Notice that the easy middle way is actually the best one for once. Then take that.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Some dirt and other crap you swept swiftly under the rug last fall has grown legs and eyes and teeth and crawled out from under it. Now what will you do? There’s no denying the mess you tried to hide, not when it’s become a public spectacle. You don’t necessarily owe this walking train wreck anything, but you should also admit that you could have handled the situation better than you did. So, what to do? Capitulate to its petulant demands, just so it’ll shut up? Nope; those ultimatums will never stop. Send it packing, empty-handed? Nah. Here’s a hint: There’s something that you can give it that will, if not satisfy your mess, at least make it go away.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
There are some signs whose response to getting hurt or screwed over is to skip town — to get as far away from the pain (or its source) as possible. That, though, isn’t you. You’ve got too much going on, usually, to take that way out. However, every once in a while a geographic solution to your problems is just the ticket. Some distance will dull the pain, or perhaps distract you from it, and almost certainly give you some much-needed perspective on your problems and how best to solve them or just get over them. If you can possibly get away this week (or next), please do so. You’ll be glad you did.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
What if you died and discovered your life was just an intense and complex video game, and you could hit restart and begin another game — another life — just like that? The rules of this video game — to make it fun, and challenging — is that you can’t remember, each time, any of the other games you’ve already played. Would you live your life any differently if you thought that was how it worked? It seems like a ridiculous notion, perhaps, yet I can’t help feeling that if you thought of your life as a game — that is, fun and not quite so serious as you’re making it out to be — you’d be much better at it, at least this week.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
If you take the individual ingredients of a s’more — marshmallow, chocolate, graham cracker, they’re alright. Only when they’re combined with each other — and preferably with the intimate experience of sharing a campfire with your friends — do they become something sublime. There are a few elements of your life that are similar to those ingredients — nice, but nothing to get too excited about. If they were combined with each other, in the right combination and situation, though, they could be fantastic. Your task this week is to figure out which pieces of your life could be improved by fitting them together in the right ways, then to make it happen.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Every Aries has tons of energy and virtually no awareness of how to budget it. That’s why you get burnt out and run down. Part of the problem is you’ve made a habit of ignoring your body’s early warning signs, hints of impending breakdown, things like a scratchy throat, a cold sore, or simply bone-deep tiredness. Can you learn to listen to these (and other, similar) clues? I hope so, because until you do, you’ll collapse 50 yards before the finish line every time. That sucks. You should be not only finishing but also grabbing first place.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Every Taurus needs some close connection to nature. Some of you haven’t figured this out yet. Maybe you associate nature with dirtiness and discomfort. That probably means you haven’t found the aspect of nature you like to interface with. Some may love walking quietly through a shady wood, others prefer the sunny decadence of a tropical beach; maybe climbing snow-capped mountains is your thing. I think there’s probably a way for you to get your dose of intimacy with the natural world without straying too far from your comfort zone. This week, figure out how, if you haven’t already.
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