By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

Print This Page


    Aries (March 21-April 19)

    Everyone’s had one of those stomach-churning nights where something you ate didn’t agree with you, and you spent the entire time making trips into the bathroom (or giving up and just camping out there). It’s amazing how much that can throw you for a loop; lack of sleep and nourishment makes you feel incredibly shaky and weak the next day. So you’ve surely experienced how crappy you feel when deprived of physical rest and sustenance; why should it be any different emotionally? You need to give yourself time to recharge from exhausting ordeals and restock the kinds of energy you can actually run on. If you don’t take that time, you’re just looking for trouble.

    Taurus (April 20-May 20)

    Watch your step. What looks like a shallow puddle is actually a sinkhole. What you thought might simply wet your socks is liable to plunge you into murky water way over your head. It’s easy enough to avoid, if you’re willing to slow down quite a bit, and make sure that every footfall forward lands on recognizably solid ground. This might be a difficult choice to make, given the speedy clip with which you’ve been able to progress of late, but nevertheless, I suggest you make it. Your other option, naturally, is a full stop.

    Gemini (May 21-June 20)

    Your situation is like one of those macro photographs of something in intense close-up. It’s impossible to tell what you’re looking at — a vulva? An elbow? A flower? It could be virtually anything, so it’s almost impossible to choose the correct reaction to it. Surprise? Admiration? Humor? Shock? Basically your only realistic option is to keep your cool and develop your patience. It may take a long time for things to properly unfold this week, ages before you’re able to get some real perspective. Don’t jump the gun, though, as tempting as that might be. Stay absolutely chill and hold on until you really know what you’re looking at. Then act.

    Cancer (June 21-July 22)

    Every Cancer has a private fantasy of ultimate (and ultimately unrealistic) domesticity. Perhaps you wish you could come home from work to find dinner on the table and a drink at hand; you put your feet up for a massage and take the time to talk over the day with whoever’s there. As far as fantasies go, this one’s pretty tame, but somehow as difficult to manifest as more convoluted ones involving multiple people and props. Nevertheless, you deserve to at least once in a great while have your rather modest wish granted. This week might be your turn. The key? Ask nicely. Bargain. And never, ever be ungracious.

    Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

    You can’t always be Prince(ss) Valiant, rushing in to save the day. Sometimes it’s possible to gallop in on your white charger, vanquish the beast, and play hero to the innocent virgin. Sometimes it’s not. The trick is determining which is which. Unfortunately, you’ve guessed wrong enough times before that now you’re full of self-doubt. Is this a chance to shine, or to get trampled in the mud? Astrologically, it’s likely the former. Trust your gut, though; it’s ultimately the real gauge. However, if it seems like you’re in a position to swoop in and rescue someone in need, you almost certainly can.

    Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

    Every stain has a solution. Crafty launderers know all the tricks. Too bad your memories aren’t so easily expunged. I still think you could be free of that one stubborn stain of remembrance, even if you’ve tried nearly everything. Give it one more go. If all else fails, don’t throw in the towel and just accept that there’ll always be this ugly blotch holding you back. Consider, instead, the last resort when it comes to salvaging an otherwise ruined garment: dying the damn thing. Soak yourself in so many (ideally stronger and better) memories that you couldn’t possibly spare another moment for that one.

    Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

    Nearly everyone’s overdone it with booze at some point. Most of us retain deep, visceral memories so powerful that we’re reluctant to even touch the stuff that took us there ever again, whether it’s tequila, Southern Comfort or gin. However, not everything you’ve reacted badly to can be as easily avoided as a certain flavor of alcohol. Sometimes—like this week—you have to push through the retching and distaste and just bear it. I hope you find a way to do that, or you’ll be missing out on some opportunities that come along with it. No need to overindulge in the stuff, like last time. But letting yourself at least pretend to enjoy a sip or two would not only be a good move on many levels, it’s also quite likely to build character.

    Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

    When a fashion designer crafts a new outfit, they usually do a number of sketches and mock-ups (with more inexpensive fabric) first. These practice runs allow the dress to become more refined. Even though no one will ever use or even see these first few incarnations of the dress, they are vital steps in the process. Your confidence has gotten out of hand, this week. You think you can jump straight from the idea to the finished product, without the whole trial and error thing in between. Wrong. You think you know exactly where you’re headed, and I admire your vision. But not taking the time to make the journey there would be a mistake—because it’s that very journey that’s likely to change (and improve) your ultimate destination — and you.

    Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

    Remember when you used to catch bugs or frogs and put them in jars for study, when you were a kid? I’ve yet to meet a Sag who hasn’t at least once or twice been ruled by their curiosity in this way. Eventually, though, as you peered in at your victim, you couldn’t help identifying with them to some extent, and ultimately releasing them. I admire this about you; familiarity, for you, doesn’t breed contempt (although, occasionally you are subject to boredom) so much as affection. If you find yourself shying away from someone this week, for whatever reason, resist the urge. Move closer to them instead. Even if you’re never able to like them, you may, eventually, love them, just a little.

    Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

    One rule when you’re climbing or hiking is never put your hands or feet somewhere that you can’t see them. You never know what’s lurking just out of sight in the shadow of a rock or beneath a clump of long grass. Remember that this week as you venture into truly unexplored territory. There’s a lot of wild and dangerous shit out here, and it could really mess you up, if you’re not careful. I’m not too worried about you, though, my pretty Goats. If anyone has the patience and stamina to watch their step from start to finish, it’s certainly you.

    Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

    So now that you’re getting better at discerning when to put out fires, and when to let them burn, you can move on to the next thing: when to actually start them. It’s not fair for you to always be reactive, letting some of the more fiery signs do all the heavy lifting and motivating. Every once in a while it’s your turn to step up and light fires under the asses of those who sorely need your inspiration. You know who they are. By leaving them to their own devices, you’re actually letting them down. Even if it doesn’t come naturally to you, Water Bearer, please pull out those matches and get to work.

    Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

    Pisceans are champion cuddlers. Most Fish would rather have a snuggle than a screw, if they had to choose. That’s a powerful instinct, actually, and one that’s likely to be quite helpful this week, even if it comes off as a bit oversweet or lame to some people. You see, there are those who think they know what they need—whether it’s a lay, advice, or some retail therapy — but what’s actually going to do the trick is some simple, authentic, honest, down-to-earth affection. And guess who’s just the person to give it to them, whether they’re ready or not? You, of course.

    By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

    To contact Caeriel send mail to

    To contact Caeriel send mail to