By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

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    Aries (March 21-April 19)

    Being the center of the universe sucks, doesn’t it? If someone nearby is in a bad mood, it’s obviously because you’ve done something wrong. If the people around you have problems, it’s clearly your job to solve them. Even if you can logically dismiss these irrational and self-hindering illusions, emotionally it’s not so easy. Nevertheless, you must try. You can’t solve the world’s problems, at least not this week. Assume you have nothing to do with anything happening around you unless someone points out the correlation. Even then, don’t necessarily take their convictions at face value—ask them to prove it.

    Taurus (April 20-May 20)

    Tell the voice of reason to go screw itself. I know that’s weird advice to give a Taurus, of all people, but this week it’s necessary. Sometimes you just have to embrace illogic or attempt the seemingly impossible. Your willingness to venture into realms where common sense and reason dare not enter is what separates you from the androids. That’s the only place art, music, love, and inspired creativity can occur. It’s certainly not safe, painless, risk-free, or a guarantee of success. That’s part of what makes it so great. This week the unknown is definitely calling. The question is: will you answer?

    Gemini (May 21-June 20)

    Backpedaling isn’t usually your thing. You despise having to eat your words or apologize for your actions, but every once in a while, it’s simply warranted. If you want to move forward with a clear conscience and without some big regret or mistake dragging you down, you know what you’ve got to do. There’s no point in waiting; continuing on as you have will only mean you’ve got more terrain to cover when retracing your steps. Do what you’ve got to do, and better now than five minutes, five days, or five years from now.

    Cancer (June 21-July 22)

    I have yet to meet a Cancer who doesn’t like dancing, secretly. Many of you are reluctant to shake your booty outside the privacy of your own bedroom, but that doesn’t mean you never get your groove on. Once I discovered this endearing secret, I wondered what other fantastic mysteries you’d been hiding, and also wondered why you’d keep them from us, who would only love you more for them. Shatter the silence, darling. It’s about time. Tell us your secret habits. Don’t be shy. Trust me, they can only add to your appeal.

    Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

    Sometimes leadership is all about delegation. Let’s face it, as wonderful and talented as you are, there are just some people you rub the wrong way. In this particular circumstance, you might not be the best person to take your team towards its goal(s). That means you might have to swallow your pride and step aside so someone else can deliver the goods, just this once. That’s insanely hard to do, I know, but if it’s really a choice between stubbornly maintaining the status quo, and failing, or letting someone else shine, and being part of a successful team, which would you really prefer?

    Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

    You haven’t been laughing at much, lately. Don’t tell me it’s because the world is a miserable place. Although there’s a lot of pain and sadness floating around, there’s also loads of funny. I suspect you’re just not seeing them because you’re too busy; only the most dire and urgent news penetrates your little bubble. You need to laugh more, darling. It’s as simple as that. Make time and space for things that are lighthearted, inspiring, beautiful, or just genuinely funny. All your other important shit has got to shove over to make room for you to laugh in—because that’s important, too.

    Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

    On the one hand, you’ve got the siren song of friends, pleasure, and pure hedonism. On the other, you’ve got the pressures of responsibility and duty, and the lure of a kind of a notoriety, wealth, or fame. You may have deluded yourself that you can follow both paths, but I’m here to disabuse you of that notion. You can’t—at least not this week. Trying would mean you’d only give each one half the energy it needs to be successful or enjoyable. It’s time to decide which way you’ll go. This isn’t a long-term decision; just how you’ll spend the next three months. Which will you be: the person everyone can always count on for a laugh, or the responsible one that everyone can always count on?

    Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

    My apartment, the last few months, has been cycling through Scorpionic extremes. My laziness or busy-ness contribute to a steady acquisition of clutter until I can stand it no longer, and I spend a few intense hours cleaning and tidying everything. Then the cycle begins again. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Although in your case, the housekeeping (or lack of) refers to your soul, not your house. I’m not about to suggest some anal, Virgo-inspired schedule which requires you to tidy periodically and avoid such chaos entirely. All I’m recommending is that you do your periodic cleaning-out a bit early this time around. Get your house in order this week. You’ll need lots of internal space and clarity for what’s coming up.

    Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

    This week you’re liable to get lots of positive reinforcement for your bad habits. Here’s hoping you can let it roll off your back. It’d be a shame to take that one step closer to full-blown alcoholism just because people really enjoy you when you’re drunk. It’s a shame not just because being a full-time lush would suck in and of itself; people are avid advocates of your naughtiest sides only because they’re suitably rare. If they were to become the main faces you showed the world, they’d get old right quick. Enjoy the attention you get for being “bad,” but don’t let it take you off the well-chosen path you’re already on.

    Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

    There’s no magic formula to being funny. You also can’t conduct a love affair according to some self-help guide, raise kids with a standardized rulebook, or make accolade-worthy art from a kit. Life’s most important and valuable events only work well when you’re truly present in the moment, and reacting to them in a fresh way every time. It’s one thing to draw upon your experience, and quite another to try to duplicate it. Beware exactly that temptation this week, when a seemingly familiar situation presents itself. Reacting the same way you did last time would be a bad idea. This time, please, please try something new.

    Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

    You’re treading water, a little. The good news is you’re doing fine; you certainly haven’t lost any ground. Neither, though, have you gained any. This pattern has every sign of continuing for a long time, unless you find a radical way to break out of it. Never fear, I I’ve already figured out one possible solution for you: Just for one week, get up an hour earlier. Go to bed a little earlier if necessary, but make it happen, every day, for seven days. Craft a strong intention of what you’ll do with these seven extra hours this week, then just do it. It’s a ridiculously simple plan, I know. But it also just so happens to be one that’ll work.

    Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

    Taking a stand isn’t really one of your most developed talents. Your position tends to slide out from under you, sucked out to sea like fine sand. Suddenly the whole idea seems pointless, or the side you’re purporting to oppose has begun to make sense. So what do you do when someone (like your lover) or something (like your job) requires you to be a consistent advocate of something you only believe in part-time? You could, naturally, reject the idea outright (and possibly lose job or lover). Or you could try to make them feel guilty for forcing you into a role that doesn’t come naturally. Or you could actually go for it, full-on, and see how far you can stretch to hang on to something you love. Your choice.


    By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

    To contact Caeriel send mail to

    To contact Caeriel send mail to