By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

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    Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

    As much as you’d love to wipe the slate clean and start over, your repeated attempts to do so aren’t likely to succeed at the moment. They require time, and nothing else—no amount of herculean effort or passionate desire—will do. Everything changes, eventually. Sometimes you can influence how and how fast things transform, and sometimes you just have to wait for an opening. Be patient, my dear. It might not happen exactly when and how you wish it would, but it will, ultimately, all work out.

    Aries (March 21-April 19)

    A classic Aries mistake is to take on too much. You generate a magnificent game plan, and instead of breaking it up into manageable chunks, you attempt to make it all happen at once. Despite your tremendous vigor and determination, this almost always results in disaster, because the next time your energy wanes, you become overwhelmed by the enormity of what you’ve taken on. Your strategy for self-improvement is like a nine-course meal. You’ve got to pace yourself, and tackle it in bite-sized pieces. Chew and swallow one at a time. It may take you longer than you wished to get to dessert, but at least you’ll get there (without choking).

    Taurus (April 20-May 20)

    Bonsai trees are genetically no different than the full-size trees in the park. They’ve just been trimmed and trained to limit their growth so they develop into the attractively stunted form that’s their defining characteristic. Humans aren’t quite so malleable; nevertheless, there are those who’d limit your access to the things that will help you grow. These people have their own specific agendas, but generally the idea is to maintain the status quo. I find the idea of keeping you limited and safe repugnant. Break out of the tiny pot that’s keeping your roots short and shallow, and get out of the shade. It’s time to grow—whether those around you like it, or not.

    Gemini (May 21-June 20)

    Geminis are prone to caffeine addiction. Most of you hate to begin your day without a cup of joe. We know the story: at first it’s a performance enhancer, but eventually it’s simply a performance maintainer—you can’t function without it. Constantly running this kind of energy deficit isn’t healthy. Now, we both know asking you to give up your java, mate, tea, or cola is a ridiculous proposition. But changing your relationship to it isn’t so much to ask. Assess how often you consume the stuff because you “need’ it, and how often simply out of boredom or habit. I suspect you’ll find areas where you could (and probably should, admit it) significantly cut down. If you agree, heed me: this is a good week to try.

    Cancer (June 21-July 22)

    Now is not the time to indulge in one of your favorite activities: wallowing in nostalgia. But touching base with the sweeter moments of your past could be useful, as you have the chance to create a number of delicious, vivid memories this week (the kind you’d wallow in later in life). Try to remember the best times of your life, if only to recall why they were the best times. You can’t recreate your youth, and you shouldn’t try. But some (and only some) of the habits of those good times could be reinvented now, with amazing results. Don’t waste time thinking your best years are behind you. Consider it a challenge to somehow make this one (and every one) better than the last.

    Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

    It’s all about unbridled generosity, about lavishing those you love (and even some of those you don’t) with all the blessings you have it in your power to dispense. You have many faults, Leo; this you know. Unfortunately, some people have been noticing the crap sides of you much more than the sweet ones. Maybe you have been a bit selfish? Make up for it now by giving, without thought of what you’ll get back, without self-doubt, without investing it in meaning either way. Remember that giving to others is quite a nice thing to do—and the fewer strings attached to your offerings, the nicer it is.

    Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

    Sorry, darling. You’re fun to play jokes on. We don’t mean you to suffer, really, and if we thought our mischief would actually hurt you, we wouldn’t go there. Your reactions are so entertaining, your good sportsmanship exemplary; and your pragmatically forgiving nature ensures there won’t be long-term repercussions to a silly prank. Despite your sweetness I suspect the thought of revenge occasionally crosses your mind. I hope you don’t take this notion too seriously, but if you can deliver it as lightheartedly as the original offences (which were never especially mean-spirited) then this week is a good time to dispense your vengeance.

    Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

    Your sign’s symbol is a set of scales. The whole balance thing means that it’s hard for you to let go of a grudge. I’ve known Libras to carry baggage for years, waiting for a chance to get even. But please just consider how all that emotional luggage is screwing up your life, my dear. You certainly can’t move as far or as fast as you could if you were traveling more lightly. You want to keep evolving at a snail’s pace? Fine. Go ahead. But don’t expect all of us to wait for you. If I were you, I’d dump that shit, pronto, and start trying to catch up.

    Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

    Because you’ve had so much practice, you’re awfully good at living with regret. Woulda, coulda, shoulda—these words occur way too often in your personal soundtrack. Yeah, you’ve screwed up, at times, and because you’re a Scorpio, those mistakes have occasionally been huge. And even though you rationally accept that there’s nothing to be done but move on, it’s often awfully hard for you to do so. This week, however, you should get a good solid boost in that direction—if you choose to run with it, you could travel so far down the road away from your screw-up that you can’t even see it, let alone spend hours reliving it.

    Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

    Your personal PR isn’t inaccurate; it’s simply optimistic. It pertains to only the best parts of you—sort of the you that’d exist, full-time, if you’d never been hurt, damaged, or suffered self-doubt. You’re lucky; your best self makes frequent appearances. Inevitably, though, you eventually get bogged down. This is when you get into trouble. Because you initially put on your best face, some people feel betrayed when the less-than-perfect reality shows up. This week, try a new strategy: modesty. Downplay your greatness. That way, when reality doesn’t match your advertising, it won’t matter, because people will be surprised and impressed, not disappointed.

    Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

    Sweetheart, we just want an in. Sometimes the very thing we found attractive at first—your inscrutability, for instance—is exactly what keeps us from acting on that attraction; we just don’t know how. Help us out, Capricorn. Spill your guts. These are not the kinds of secrets that serve you well; indeed, it’s in your best interest that they become common knowledge—everyone will be happier that way. Give us some clues, too, if you please, regarding how to seduce one of you emotional weirdoes. Teaching us this skill is pure win.

    Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

    I wish I could be as cool as you. I don’t mean that facetiously; I’m often subject to embarrassing lapses when my emotionality gets the best of me; I’ve rarely, if ever, witnessed anything like that happening to you. If you ever allow your feelings to rage out of control, you must do it in private, where no one else can see. Although this has surely often been useful—it won’t be this week. See, some people are (desperately) looking for signs of emotion. Whether you feel the way they hope you do, or not, giving them that rare glimpse of your internal workings will not only avoid lots of trouble and needless drama—it’s likely to be an unexpected win-win.

    By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

    To contact Caeriel send mail to

    To contact Caeriel send mail to