Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your eyes are tired. Your vision is swimming. Is it really the best time to be reading your horoscope? What can you possibly get out of it—or anything—in this state? Go get some rest, then think about what needs to be done. Contemplating it now will just exhaust you needlessly, especially because it’ll cost you much needed, spiritually-replenishing sleep. Turn off your phone, television, and computer, and go lie down. I’m not suggesting you sleep this week away, by any means. You really do have too much to do to get away with that. But maybe you can spare an afternoon?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Aquarians are actually quite judgmental. Like your opposing sign, Leo, you never lack for an opinion on anything. Where you differ is in your flexibility. Not that those proud Lions can’t change their minds; it’s just that they can’t do so with the grace and ease that characterizes your entire attitude. You’re always ready to give someone a second chance, and often a third or fourth one, too. That someone will need it, this week, when it would be in your best interest to rethink your first impressions, as well as your second third, and fourth. If you can get over yourself long enough to figure out who they actually are, you’ll be glad you did.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Everything unraveled for me yesterday. Three long-standing plans I supposed were solid and nearly set in stone revealed themselves to be, one right after the other, completely untenable. Suddenly I had to rethink a whole host of things I’d put behind me as taken care of. Now I know what a Pisces’ daily life feels like, when everything is perpetually up in the air. How overwhelming! Luckily, I’m not the only one trying on someone else’s role this week—you can finally take a break from so much uncertainty as one sure thing after another unfolds in front of you. Don’t just enjoy all this stability and certitude, though. Run with it.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
When you’re asked to a BYOB party, every good Ram knows you bring as much as you want to drink, plus a bit extra. It’s just good form. If even those as supposedly selfish and insensitive as your tribe is reputed to be (I, for one, don’t believe it for a second) can keep basic courtesies in mind, it should be a snap for everyone else. Unfortunately, it’s not. Some are unaccustomed to really pulling their own weight, whether it comes to work or play. Your first instinct might be to pick up the slack, but please don’t. There’s a lesson to be learned here, and it’s not your call to keep them from it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You Bulls are familiar with the idea, “if you can’t fix it, get used to it.” When something you don’t like crosses your path, you now habitually do a quick triage: Can I change it? Avoid it? Or must I get used to it? This is a pretty healthy habit, actually, as it’s this kind of realism and self-appraisal that helps you be so efficient and effective. But there are those in your life who have perhaps never looked at anything in such stark, unyielding terms, let alone themselves. They dither and wring their hands and worry at problems because they can’t accept their harsh reality, or don’t know how. Your job this week is to help them out. This might require a bit of tough love, or saying shit they just don’t want to hear, which won’t make you popular. Nevertheless, you’re the right person for the job.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The reason you have such a wishy-washy reputation is because you’re vocal. In reality, Pisceans, for example, are far more indecisive than you. But they have this tricky way of never verbally committing to an opinion or a course of action. I know some who can tell you what they think about something for ten minutes without revealing a thing. They’re very good at it. You have no problem formulating and expressing your opinion—it just mutates often. And because you’re vocal, people know about your frequent changes of heart. So my tip for you this week is: shut up. Wait until you’re sure before you speak up—and even then, wait until you’re asked.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Sometimes your life is about doing the least objectionable thing on your to-do list. Instead of assessing your agenda in terms of your actual priorities, you’re all about avoidance, procrastination, and simply not facing up to the really hard or challenging shit you don’t want to do. Hey, I’m not condemning you; I’m a big-time lazy-ass procrastinator, too. But sometimes you’ve just got to grit your teeth and make it all happen, whether it fits your mood or not. This, my dear, is one of those weeks. Reorganize your head and look at the tasks ahead of you in terms of what’s most important, not least unpleasant.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
I was recently on a plane full of whiners. Everyone around me seemed to have something to complain about. What a drag: Babies crying uncontrollably, for hours, while nearby adults did the grown-up counterpart, for nearly as long. Some people complain habitually. They’ve forgotten how to simply be content. In the winter they complain it’s too cold. In the summer, naturally, it’s too hot, and there’s something not quite right about—well, everything. I hope that’s not you, Leo. Sometimes your sense of entitlement can get out of hand. Make sure that’s not so this week. Your life is actually pretty great. Please notice.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Don’t be square. You’ve done a good job, especially lately, of overcoming your natural prudishness and tendency to blindly follow rules. That’s good news for this week, because so many delicious opportunities lie just outside the box. The thing to keep in mind, Virgo, is that you really ought to be breaking rules—because you’re damn good at it. No one suspects you in the slightest, so you can get away with anything. I don’t expect you to go hog-wild here, Virgo. Not you. But it’d be a shame to not at least get away with something, wouldn’t it?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Some of my crazier friends have gotten so drunk or high that they’ve become lost in familiar environments. They were so out of their minds that they noticed completely different things than they did when they were sober. Because they were surrounded by landmarks and details that they’d honestly never seen before, they couldn’t figure out where they were. I don’t particularly recommend getting that messed up, but if you could so drastically and dramatically change the lenses and filters through which you view the world, that would not be a bad thing at all.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Reality is subject to our thoughts. Quantum physicists are discovering that when you get right down to it reality is made up of nothing. The only reason it seems so solid to us is because we view it that way. The truth is that we have tremendous influence over it simply with the power of our intentions and perceptions. Scorpios should be amazingly good at this, except for the fact that you’re constantly second-guessing yourselves. Give the universe a mixed message and what do you get back? A mess. If you could, though, just once, truly make up your mind about what you really wanted…well, anything could happen.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This is a week of unsolvable problems. These are the kinds of dilemmas whose solutions represent more trouble than they’re worth. I’m talking about when your neighbors start using power tools at inconvenient hours. There’s nothing you can really do about it, and trying will only earn you their animosity, and, possibly, more hassle and annoyance. Your primary option this week is to just grin and bear it, wait it out, and resist trying to do anything about it, because you can’t. If that’s too much for you to accept, consider this: There are, of course, always answers to your problems. They just might not be answers you like.
