Cancer (June 21-July 22)
This week’s theme: Cancer control issues. Unfortunately for your clutching instinct, the big juicy fish you’re embracing needs to be held loosely. Squeeze it too tightly and it’ll freak out and wriggle free, back into the vast ocean, where you’ll never find again. The only way to keep this baby close is to barely hold it at all. Don’t give it anything to struggle against, or you’ll quickly discover just how slippery those shiny scales are. It’s a tough choice: Will you keep this love close, on his or her terms, forsaking all your own? Or will you decide it’s your way or no way, and force this one to escape forever?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Love and sex don’t always line up for you. It’s special and rare when they mesh well into some kind of cohesive whole. That’s why I want you to treasure this week, because your heart and your genitals are on the same page for once. If you have someone to celebrate this with, well hallelujah. If you don’t, you at least have the chance to actually figure out what kind of person is going to take care of both these parts of you—which will also give you the chance of finally finding them.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Virgos are generally kind, but your tongues have razor edges when you choose to wield them as weapons. The temptation to verbally flay those you despise, oppose, or merely look down upon will be virtually irresistible this week. You’ll be nearly as surprised as everyone else when the vitriol simply begins spewing from your mouth. Chances are, you won’t be able to stop this thing. Go ahead and give those guys the tongue-lashing they’ve evidently got coming to them. Just try not to say anything that’s going to completely burn bridges. Don’t exceed a light char and you’ll be doing just fine.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You’re likely to be presented with a myriad of temptations this week, all of which endanger your integrity; something much more important than you think, which you’d discover to your dismay once it became compromised. I’d rather you didn’t experience that dark and virtually irreversible revelation. Keep a tight rein on your activities and the things you agree to. Sleep on any big decisions, and if anyone pushes you to act faster than that, simply say no—regardless of what’s on offer.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
When your dog comes in reeking of whatever dead thing he was just rolling in, you don’t cast him out of your life forever. You give him a bath, then you forgive him and move on. He’s just being a dog, after all. Why, when an important human you know makes a similar “mistake,” do you consider leaving her by the wayside? Should she have known better? Absolutely. Will it happen again? Probably. Can you live with this? Actually, yes—provided you’re willing to let go of or alter some preconceptions you’ve held onto from day one. Do you want to lose some silly ideas, or a pretty great person (who’s just not perfect)?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Fine motor control is tricky for an ogre. And since this week the part of the violent, ham-handed giant is being played by you, be especially careful. What you intend as a gentle and friendly critique could easily turn into a full-on evisceration. A pat on the back is likely to crush those you want to congratulate. Turn down your intensity meter 90 percent. Everyone are all fragile butterflies at the moment, compared to you. You could accidentally destroy them with a breath, a touch, or a word. You can’t help being an ogre, perhaps—but you can at least be a patient, peace-loving one.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
The other night three strangers approached me to tell me I was a good dancer. They weren’t even hitting on me; as far as I could tell, they had no ulterior agenda besides exchanging a friendly word. This is the kind of thing you can expect (and accept) this week: sweet gestures from friends but also strangers, for no reason you can (or should bother to) discern. Maybe they’re just trying to improve their own karma, or earn a metaphysical boy scout badge by doing good deeds. My advice is simple, and easy to follow: when someone is nice to you this week, simply accept it. Sometimes face value is exactly what it’s worth.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The suspense (or lack thereof) is killing you. If your life were a novel, these chapters might bore the hell out of you, pertaining as they do to some sub-plot you have no interest in. However, even if you have the opportunity to skip ahead and read the end of the book this week, I beg you not to. You’d not only be missing out on a lot of good stuff in between, but you’d cheat yourself as well. Let me explain: The ending changes (or at least takes on a whole new meaning) when you have no idea what came before.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Illusions abound this week. We already know our country isn’t nearly as free as it pretends to be; kids are never as innocent or worldly as they present themselves; same goes for adults. There are layers of glamour all around you; and each one has its own origin and intention. Your job this week is to unravel these. Being a master of disguise and deception yourself, you’re more equipped than anyone else I know to pierce these veils and expose what’s behind them.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Adopting a puppy is a ton of work—but if you don’t put in the time that first year, you’re going to make even more work for yourself in the long run. On the other hand, adopting an older dog may be less work, but you’re more likely to be stuck with habits and baggage you don’t fully understand and can’t always help. There are pros and cons to both approaches, and even though you’re probably not actually welcoming a canine into your home this week, the parallels between that and your current situation shouldn’t be lost on you. Which would you rather do, build something from the ground up, or add on to someone else’s work?
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You don’t usually cope well with disappointment, although you may hide your dismay expertly. It’s gotten so you get anxious whenever anyone promises to do anything for you, because you’re worried they’ll let you down. Luckily, this week, you can let your concerns go. Yes, you’re surrounded by flakes, but every once in a while they actually get their shit together and come through. Relax. This is one of those golden times when people will actually do what they say they’re going to do, and well. Leave them to it.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
I’m particularly fond of genre-crossing media. Horror-comedy, western-sci-fi, fantasy-space opera. This kind of creative boundary-crossing and territory-mixing really gets me off, and works for a lot of other people, too. In other words, you’re in luck, because you’re the ultimate genre-mixer. You can’t help it; you’re in trouble whenever anyone asks you to be one thing. Thankfully, more people are realizing that being one thing is as dull as dishwater. All that care you’ve been taking to keep the chocolate out of the peanut butter? Screw it. It’s exactly that delicious combination we’re interested in.
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Harrison Ford: July 13, 1942
Connor McGregor: July 14, 1988
Taylor Kinney: July 15, 1981
Will Ferrell: July 16, 1967
Luke Bryan: July 17, 1976
Vin Diesel: July 18, 1967
Benedict Cumberbatch: July 19, 1976