Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Get out of your head, get into your body. Get out of your head, get into your body. Get out of your head, get into your body. Stop reading this already! This is head bullshit, and it’s no good for you. Go squeeze out a shit, go screw someone, go just play with your hands in the dirt. Sweat, grunt, fart, and pig out. Eat your meals without utensils. Do whatever you can to be an animal and not a big over-brained human being this week. Your head is toxic and prone to explosions, so give it a break by just living inside your skin. Do not, do not, do not ever talk about shit when you could be doing it instead. I can’t believe you’ve read this far, but since you did, I’ll say it one more time: get out of your head, get into your body.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Imagination, the creative expression of our minds, means we don’t have to wait millennia for a change, we can simply evolve. If you can see the place you want to be now, it means you already contain the ability to move there at your will. The only thing that keeps you in your old patterns is habit, and habits can get tired, too. Screw incremental sea changes of the soul. They’re for loser Republicans and delusional Fundamentalists. Now is a great time for you to make your own self-governed quantum leap. Put down the blueprints, close your eyes, and jump.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Are you a pussycat or a lion? Do you feel like roaring and smashing everything to pieces until your furious will is served? Or would you rather be cute and cuddly and bat your doe-eyes at those who might deliver what you want? Instead of telling you which will work better, I’d rather help you escape this kind of dangerous inner dichotomy. Think of a new modus operandi or two this week, as the old ways will cease to be useful quite soon. In other words, both roaring and mewling will fall on deaf ears, so you’d better be prepared to either do shit yourself (without resentment) or let it go completely.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
No one’s going to believe this self-defeating bullshit you weave about not being great. People see straight through it as an I’ll-beat-you-to-the-punch strategy, so don’t even try it this week. You know you’re great, we think you’re great, so shut the hell up already and just be great. Modesty is crap, especially when it’s so damn false. You know it, we know it. The difference is, we’re prepared to do something about it. This is personal evolution at gunpoint; There’s an astrological coalition prepared to enforce the following edict this week, so watch out: Be proud of yourself, without any ridiculous self-deprecation, or we’ll kick your ass.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Be the lizard that loses the tip of its tail in order to escape predators who grab onto it, or better yet, be the butterfly whose huge decoy eyespots deter potential threats before they even get close. This week you could be getting the kind of close-up scrutiny or pursuit usually only experienced by tiny animal prey moments before they’re eaten. However, you needn’t feel threatened; now that you know to keep alert, you’re more than capable of evading, if not avoiding, your hunters, thus rendering what might be a hostile situation into one that’s more exciting, or even amusing.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You are King Midas of the golden touch this week. Everything you come into contact with will seem (at first) to become shiny, cool, and excitingly valuable. However, just like that poor schmuck, you’re liable to realize quite quickly that the golden version of your friends and possessions isn’t the least bit fun or desirable. Who needs gleaming bedroom slippers that weigh ten pounds apiece, or a best buddy who knows he’s worth his poundage in precious metals? The trouble is, everyone thinks those things would be fantastic, so you’ll be in great demand this week. If I were you, however, I’d think twice before accommodating any of their demands. You’d almost certainly regret it.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
There’s glass in your food. There are also holes in your condoms, and poisonous subliminal messages in every bit of media around you, but you’re not even breaking a sweat. You eat risk for breakfast. You fart danger. I’m not going to parade caution around as an enticing lover. You know better. Caution is boring. Prudence leaves fear-induced shit-stains on all your furniture. I’m here to validate your crazy recklessness. It’s totally the way to go. Life is for living, as you know all too well. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise, or keep you from living it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Why does your lover always have to make the first move? (Especially when you both know that you’re generally the hornier one.) You’re the most motivated person you know, when it comes to heady shit you understand, like business, or sarcasm. But when you encounter stuff that actually gets your heart and soul aflutter and astir, you’re miserably passive and contained. Enough, already. You’ve had more than two and half years of training at not only expressing emotion openly, but initiating emotional interactions. If you haven’t actually been practicing, this week would be a good time to start.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Drunken shenanigans are all well and good, but most of the time the alcohol is just an excuse to do something we secretly wanted to do all along (even if we’d later regret it). This week practice skipping the booze and jumping right to the exciting, dangerous, or taboo scenarios you were using it to get to. Let yourself just go there sober. Ironically, they will become even more exciting and dangerous and taboo, since you’re entering into them with a clear head. And instead of feeling fuzzy-headed and regretful the next day, you’re more likely to feel proud and empowered. Seems like a win to me.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
I dreamt about a new brand of ice cream that marketed excitingly innovative flavors, like Electric, and Pink. These were taste sensations created specifically for consumption as ice cream, instead of merely being ice cream designed to emulate things you’d tasted elsewhere. You’re in a better position this week to come up with something truly original (and marketable), or at least an original combination of old ideas than you have been in a long, long time. Pay attention to the semi-secret, even nonsensical, workings of your monkey mind. Amongst all the silly compost of your thoughts will be a gem or three.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
A good laugh session would do you good. I’m talking a minimum of five full-on minutes of hearty guffawing. This could take a while to build up to, like bringing a pot of water to a boil. Feel free to cheat and just listen to or watch something you find truly funny, then just take that hilarity to a healthy, toxin-reducing extreme. I prefer to just start laughing out of nowhere, fully accepting and integrating any ideas about self-as-crazy, and let it feed on itself until I’m rolling around being ridiculous. Belly laughter, in enough quantity, has the power to heal most of what ails you. I don’t know what’s stopping you; it’s better than any cure (for anything) I’ve ever heard of.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Don’t waste time this week watching crap movies just because they make you feel smart, by contrast. Nor are you astrologically permitted to visit your hometown so you can see your sad-sack high school classmates managing the local Taco Bell and feel smugly superior. If you can’t feel good about yourself and your achievements on their own merits, without holding up other people’s miserable failings to provide a flattering comparison, you’ve got a problem. Address that this week. You’ve fallen short of your wildest dreams, like every other human being on the planet. Meanwhile, you’ve done some good shit. Be proud, my dear. Be proud.