SORRY MOM & DAD: Should I wish that Facebook friend a happy birthday? Here are the dos and don’ts

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    Stressed out over whether you know that Facebook friend well enough to wish them a happy birthday online? Don’t be! Justin has your dos and don’ts on the unclear social media etiquette that nobody seems to know.

    It’s difficult balancing a full-time job, trying to lose weight for the summer and catfishing someone at the same time, am I right?

    Maybe that’s just my life — Sorry, Mom and Dad.

    Regardless, life can be overwhelming at times; making it difficult to keep up with shit like washing your car, remembering to buy lube at Walmart or wishing someone a happy birthday. Thank God for Mark Zuckerberg dicking over the Winklevoss twins — allegedly — to bring us the ultimate social media tool to say things we can’t always make time to say. Of course I’m talking about Facebook.

    I recently celebrated my 29th birthday and most of the warm sentiments sent my way were via Facebook — 287 to be exact. I didn’t even meet some of them; which had me thinking, “How does one know if they know their Facebook friend well enough to wish them a happy birthday?” Think about it, today we become friends with people for all sorts of different reasons: We add people on Facebook because we met them at a party once; because we want to have sex with them; and because they work with us so it would be rude to delete their friend request.

    You don’t want to look weird by writing on their wall if you don’t know them well enough and you don’t want to make them pissed if you don’t say anything at all. The social etiquette for this is puzzling, right? Thankfully, I’m here to save the day. No, I don’t have pot for you — I have a list of do’s and don’ts when it comes to wishing your Facebook friend the happiest b-day ever. Exclamation mark.

    DO: If they’re someone you text off and on.

    DON’T: If you don’t even have their most recent cell phone number.

    DO: If you work with them.

    DON’T: If you used to work with them but haven’t seen them since you left that job.

    DO: If they send you snaps on SnapChat.

    DON’T: If they don’t even view your SnapChat story.

    DO: If you had sex with them and it’s been less than six months. You don’t want to look like a heartless ass.

    DON’T: If you had sex with them and it’s been longer than six months. You don’t want them to think you’re hung-up on them.

    DO: If you want to have sex with them.

    DON’T: If they want to have sex with you and you don’t want to have sex with them. They’ll take the message the wrong way and start shaving certain places in anticipation.

    DO: If you ever saw them cry.

    DON’T: If you made them cry.

    DO: If you’ve known them since college.

    DON’T: If you’ve known them since college but they didn’t invite you to their wedding.

    DO: If you hate them but want them to see how great you look now.

    DON’T: If you got fat since the last time you saw them in person.

    DO: If they recently did a favor for you.

    DON’T: If they owe you money. They owe you. You don’t owe them dick — not even a birthday wish.

    DO: If you never met them in real life and you want to have sex with them.

    DON’T: If you never met them in real life and you don’t want to get naked with them.

    DO: If you’re related to them.

    DON’T: If they’re a registered sex offender.