Aries (March 21-April 19)
You crave greatness, accomplishment, and recognition. In some ways, you were born into a more challenging era than any before. You wish there was new territory to explore, but at this point in the world’s history, there’s almost no place on land that someone hasn’t beaten you to. It’s daunting, my dear Rams, I know. You may have to give up some of your dreams of world renown, international recognition, and adoring public appreciation, but I hope you won’t. Instead, accept that they’ll probably never happen (at least not in the ways you think), but never stop trying anyway.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Absence makes the heart grow fonder than presence ever could. Your romanticized memories are taking center stage this week. However, if you actually were experiencing the person or situation you’re thinking of so fondly, you’d be just as annoyed now as you were then, and then some. So wallow in the sweetness of nostalgia, but do nothing—no matter the temptation—to try to resurrect your past into your present, lest you repeat the same mistakes (or heartaches) you’ve already suffered through.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
When you were a kid, you got your little fingers into everything. You were the child who smeared the computer keyboard with peanut butter, burnt her thumb on the stove, and picked your friends’ boogers. Now, as an adult (of sorts, you silly freaks never fully grow up), you’re the same way (if a little less gross). You just can’t keep from involving yourself in whatever situations you’re privy to, often to self-detrimental effect. (One Gemini I know smashed a car window to protect his neighborhood from the tyrannical oppression of an overzealous and relentless car alarm). Go ahead and stick your fingers into whatever circumstance you feel you need to this week, but be prepared—you may have to pay for it later (my friend replaced the car window).
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
No still means no. But the other signals you’re getting this week are phenomenally mixed. It would take an encryption expert to decode what’s really expected of you. People around you know what they don’t want, that’s for sure. But they’re not quite clear on what they do want. You might actually know better than they do what they need, even if they’re not ready to accept or admit it, yet. Should you deliver it anyway, despite their doubts? I guess that depends: how much of a god complex do you have? You’ve got the power, but not necessarily the right. Consider waiting (no matter how frustrating) until they’ve figured it out for themselves before you give it to them.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’re unpushable. Anyone who’s tried has learned that all you need to do is stubbornly sink your long claws into the turf and you’re immovable. What’s more, they’re likely to get a painful bite (or at least a pants-shitting roar) for their trouble. However, a wily few have learned that you must decide to act on your own, rather than be coerced. They’ve mastered the sly art of seduction, to trick or entice you into action, sometimes without you even noticing they’ve done it. Beware of these scoundrels and vixens, because they may just tempt you into some shitty self-destruction. Devouring them once they’re found out will be scant consolation, because by then the damage will have already been done.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
It’s like you’re shopping on Easter Sunday. In other words, your timing is so way off; most of the stores are closed. It’s just the wrong time to do what you want (and need) to be doing. Quit wasting your time, already. Get with what’s actually happening, instead of clinging to some idea of what you want to be happening. If it was Easter, you might go hunt Easter eggs, make Jesus jokes, or attend church for once. So do what’s appropriate for now, regardless of your long-term goals. When the time comes to act on those, it’ll be obvious.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
I received my favorite reader email ever, from an irate Libra who reproached me for setting the bar too high for your tribe. “I don’t own a pair of pink gloves,” she wrote. “I’m not a good lay, not particularly attractive, and not at all repentive [sic] for having a bad day.” She claimed that having to live up to my version of a Libra was an awful burden. Maybe it is. Maybe it’s easier to just give up, admit you’re ugly, imperfect, and lousy in bed. But I hope you won’t. You are, my dear, exactly what you make yourself. So aspire to be fair-minded, generous, diplomatic, and unjustly beautiful. If you fall short of those ideals, so what?
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You’re plunging towards the ground at maximum velocity from twenty-thousand feet up. It’s terrifying. You’ve already pulled both ripcords, with no result. Shit. You’re screwed, right? Maybe, but please don’t give up hope. If these are your last moments before your emotional core shatters against the frozen ground like a sheet of glass, make them good ones. Spread your arms, catch some air, and soar. Turn terror to exhilaration. Fill your last seventeen seconds with grace, joy, even fun. Then it won’t be such a crazy shock when, eleven seconds after you’d totally given up, your parachute bursts open into a rainbow of lifesaving color.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Sometimes you feel so bloody powerful you could lift both fists above your head and roar into the sky like a jet-powered deity. Other times you struggle just to get out of bed, or put one foot in front of the other. If you were a Pisces, you might settle, ultimately, for swinging between extremes like these. But since you’re a much more ambitious Sagittarian, you’ll be relieved, when this week, you find the key to a more balanced existence, in which you may not be able to fly but at least you can always, always run.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
The pharmaceutical industry makes a fortune by giving consumers a straight-up price quote for happiness (or at least less unhappiness), sex, or extended youth. These are expensive illusions that people are willing to shell out millions for. I hope you’re not one of them. It’s true; ruled by the strictest astrological taskmaster, Saturn, you’ve got to work harder for your happiness than most (but once you get, it’s more stable and long-lasting). But you’ve never lacked for horniness, and your sign has the notable quality of being able to age backwards. So screw paying for these things in pill form, okay? You deserve (and have full access to) a much better way.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Money can be an illness. Avoid infection by not worrying about it. “I don’t have that luxury,” you may sputter, indignantly. Yes, you do. Listen, the number of people around who think they have enough money could be tallied on your fingers and toes. Regardless, your anxiety’s not going to make what you have more valuable, or bring in more dough. You may not have a choice about what you have to do to make ends meet. But you can stop freaking out while you do it. That is your choice. The struggle ceases as soon as you let it. You’ll be fine. (If you can believe that, you will be.)
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Avoid those who crave predictability. You’re such a chameleon that you’ll inevitably, just by being, disappoint them. Look for characters who adore changeability, dynamism, rollicking adventure. Those are the ones who are going to get off on you (and with you). However, once you’ve found those folk, you may need to curb your enthusiasms (only ever-so-slightly) in order to keep them around, because you, ironically, crave stability and consistency. Don’t worry, it won’t take much: Just declare that one thing about you won’t change: swear you’ll love them forever and ever (and mean it). They’ll return the favor.