Snedeker blames Casey Highway’s excessive winds on ‘poltergeist’
Joe Snedeker’s outlandish delivery of the forecast has been the topic of many water-cooler conversations over the years. Once again, the one-time brunt of jokes on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” has residents of Northeastern Pennsylvania chattering away. But this time, they’re frightened as hell. The eccentric local television personality is claiming “poltergeist” are responsible for excessive winds on the Casey Highway.
Ruth Corbin-Browning of Olyphant called in to WNEP’s Talkback 16 segment to complain about the high-powered winds. “I travel the Casey every week to my massage therapist in Scranton to get my bunions rubbed. Every time I go to drive down there, it feels like an earthquake. I never know if my car is going to fly away with the wind like it’s Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Why the hell is it so windy?” she yelled. “I want some answers. And I want them now, you foolish monkey-faced frat boy.”
The concern was addressed following an abnormal week that resulted in eight fatal crashes caused by stiff winds.
Snedeker finally addressed the situation on-air on Tuesday, May 19.
“There is no scientific reasoning for the intense winds experienced on the Casey,” he said. “At first I thought the winds were caused by blow-hard local politicians, but then my research proved me wrong. The winds are caused by poltergeist. I know this may sound hard to believe but hear me out. When the Casey Highway was built to connect Route 6 with Interstate 81 in the ’90s, it was constructed on an old Indian burial ground that rests the bodies and souls of the Chickasaw tribe. They’re unable to rest easy now and they’re seeking revenge.”
Snedeker said his life coach, Noah Ritter, a.k.a. The Apparently Kid, inspired him to be honest with viewers — and rewarded him with a button-down shirt from the Gap he stole from Ellen DeGeneres’ dressing room for doing the right thing.
Since the news broke, sources have confirmed that the mayor of Scranton is having nightmares; and Noah Ritter is banned from “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” until her favorite shirt from the Gap is accounted for.
“Laugh all you want, but when you disrupt an Indian burial ground there’s hell to pay,” says Marcy Jones who never gives her dogs bones because she’s a jerk. “Snedeker may be a lot of things, but he’s not a liar. Actually, he’s kinda cute. I know he’s married, but I wonder if he’s happily married. Is he on Facebook? I’m going to check right now.”
Kyle Xavier DeMeyer, who caught his ex-boyfriend’s house on fire, is panicking. “This is a sign of the end of the world,” he said. “So I’m starting a movement. We’re all going to meet in a field and take a drink that will make us fall asleep. When we wake up, we’ll be reborn so to speak. Look me up on Facebook if you’d like to join the movement.”
Meanwhile, Trish McGish who never brings a dish to parties said Snedeker is a fool. “I don’t know why WNEP hasn’t fired him yet.”
The local chapter of LADG (Lesbians Against Drunk Golfing) are reportedly waiting for a rainy day to show up at Snedeker’s house, perform a citizen’s arrest and charge him with witchcraft and giving the mayor of Scranton nightmares.
According to Snedeker’s forecast, that rainy day will be on Monday, June 1 — unless the “poltergeist” chooses to express themselves via rain instead of winds.