Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Bring a book. You’re experiencing a week-long lull before the storm; the universe is gathering juju for impending excitement. It’s like the flat calm of the ocean while it sucks back its substance to build up and unleash an enormous tsunami. Be patient while waiting out all these dull moments, and don’t rely on your situation to keep you entertained. Next week will stir shit up, big time, so all you need to do is hang tight until then. It can’t all be drama and exhilaration, and by the time you’re done with next week’s commotions you’ll be glad of that.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You’re a shitty-mood-magnet. You may find yourself foully shadowed by numerous black clouds as the week progresses. Push through them, though, with patience and self-forgiveness, or you could finish the week with a new scowl line on your face, or a habitually dirtier mouth. These little puffs of nastiness are ephemeral; they’ll blow over in moments if you let them. If you feed them instead, however, with self-fulfilling prophecies of disaster and recurring negativity, you could be doomed to a whole week of ugly dark emotional thunderheads, instead of the forecast I’d rather give you: mostly sunshine with a few scattered showers.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You can’t please everyone, so keep tabs on your innate desire to be adored by everyone. I’m just worried that, due to the unfamiliar newness of your situation, you’ll allow your detractors to force you to compromise your behavior, just to try to make them happy. There’s virtue in flexibility, but please don’t bend over backwards. It isn’t worth it, especially because doing so makes more people hate you than like you, ironically. Just stick to your own stellar standards, moral compass, and charming insanity. You’ll piss some people off, bore others, but still end up with a decent-sized fan-base (and soul intact) nevertheless.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Your brain needs an extreme makeover. Your thoughts have sunk into a repetitive pattern that’s getting you nowhere fast. The remedy: learn a new language, or make use of another one you already know. Generally, we think in words; therefore, simply by using a different set of words to express similar thoughts will require a subtle but profound shift deep down below your conscious thought. Within that shift lies the key to your progress forward. Switch to your secondary or tertiary language as much as possible this week, even if it’s inconvenient, difficult or annoying. I guarantee you’ll wind up with at least one new insight into yourself or your situation that you’d never have discovered in three years speaking and thinking in English alone.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You adapt too readily to compromised circumstances. Whether it’s that nagging cough you’ve just learned to live with, because you’re too busy to actually take care of it, or the high-maintenance roommate who demands that you conform your schedule to fit her needs, you’ve lately taken to simply adjusting, as if these situations were immutable barriers. They’re not. Yes, they may involve hassles that you’d rather not deal with, and delays to your chosen projects that you feel like you can’t afford, but that’s life. This week, take care of the business that actually needs to be done, even if it keeps you from doing the shit you wish you could be doing instead.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Now that you Scorps are more or less considered “the good guys” by those in the know, you don’t have to work so hard at repairing the damage done to your character by those lameass astrologers who aren’t admirers of yours, like I am. If you wish, you now have cosmic sanction to stop checking your most wicked urges at the door, and indulge them, as long as you agree to at least try to maintain the rep for good deeds you’ve worked so hard to establish. See how it works? Your reward for being good is permission to be as bad as you want.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Sagittarian kids generally leave home the first chance they get and never return, except for a whirlwind visit every now and again. Parents of a member of your tribe might be selfishly bummed that you’re so independent, courageous, and lusty for experience, but they can take comfort in the prospect of a relaxing retirement and vicarious adventures through their wandering child’s tales. I don’t think it’s a bad deal, and I’m sure your folks are more proud and happy about you than not, by far. But still, since they probably miss you more than you miss them, a surprise call or drop-by from you this week would be greatly appreciated by them—and the karma police.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
To get in the mood for this week, go rent both versions of Freaky Friday, because role reversals are absolutely the way things are going to go. Those companions who are usually the most flighty and whimsical (and, yes, flaky) will be, perversely, the ones you can count on the most, while those solid and responsible folks you habitually lean on (including your very own sturdy self) are off on wild gambling trips to Vegas, three-day drunken benders at home, or spontaneous second honeymoons in Prague. Even if the personality-switches aren’t this dramatic, they should still be fun and entertaining, so the only advice I can give you is: enjoy them instead of resisting them.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The usual conduits to your heart and mind may be a bit clogged this week (though whether from overuse or underuse I couldn’t say). Therefore, make sure you’re paying attention to the less-used paths connecting your inner and outer worlds, so you’ll be sure to receive the messages you’re supposed to be getting, even though they’re coming through back channels with many intermediaries. While the highways of your soul are under construction, have fun with the horse-drawn carriages and dune buggies (and their eccentric cargo) that are suited to navigate the back roads. With an appropriately lighthearted attitude, you’ll find this more of a pleasant change of pace than a miserable drag.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
As an astrologer, it’s very difficult not to simply tell you what you want to hear, predictions full of sparkling promise and tempting opportunities. No one wants to hear about self-sacrifice or boredom, but that’s just too damn bad. Sometimes in life we have to give shit up, or endure a bit of tedium now and again—like this week for you. It’s not going to be awful, necessarily—but nor will it be easy or uncomplicated. Having delivered my warning, I’ll add to it this advice: Keep things as light and airy as possible, and avoid becoming attached to any particular outcome this week. A flexible attitude will keep you from getting too stuck, annoyed, or miserable.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Ironically, the sign that’s most capable of impersonating an Aries isn’t either of your Fire-sign brethren, Leo or Sagittarius. It’s Pisces. Their ability to capture your impetuosity, your flair for the dramatic, your boldness, and your ability to play is unmatched—but they’re coming at it from a totally different place then you. I suggest keeping close tabs on those chameleons, because emulating their perplexing and complicated paths through life could teach you a lot about yourself, as well as help you navigate the thorny barriers that have lately proven impervious to your usual method (plowing straight through).
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Guilty fun is the name of the game this week, so enjoy it. It’s not often that you can get such illicit-seeming thrills from what might otherwise be considered relatively tame activities, if it weren’t for your current situation. Simply laughing out loud can be a naughty pleasure out of all proportion to what you’d normally expect, when you’re in a situation where it’s not exactly appropriate, like church, or a wake. Whether the activity you’re not supposed to be doing is sex, playing hooky from work, or just giggling uncontrollably, let it happen, full-on. Who gives a crap if it makes a few prudish sphincters tighten? Resistance is useless, and what’s the point, anyway, when indulging is so much more fun?