SORRY MOM AND DAD: The 250th column

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Justin loves the “fans” who have reached out over the past 250 columns — and he’s letting them know.


    One of the most polite things a person can do is send a thank you note. Now that I’ve published 250 columns, I realized it’s time to reach out to my fans and thank them for following my journey of growing up while apologizing to my parents in the process.

    Over the years, many have reached out to me, but I haven’t always found the time to respond to them. After taking the time to write to me, the least I could do is acknowledge them by sending a thank you note for reading. So here’s some thank you notes to my fans.

    Posted by Concerned on in October 2010

    “Justin is probably a pedophile.”

    Dear Concerned,

    Please let me start out by apologizing for my delayed response. The reason it has taken me almost five years to respond to you is because I’ve been busy kicking ass at life — and getting paid to write about it for the past 250 weeks.

    Now that I finally have a moment to chat, may I ask you a personal question? Where have you been my entire life? Had I known you figured out my psychological problems in 2010, I could have saved a lot of money on therapy. But then I probably wouldn’t have had anything wild to write about — so maybe it’s best we didn’t meet.

    I don’t think I’m a pedophile, though. I can’t even look at someone at a bar under 25 without secretly taking a video of them on SnapChat and leaving a caption that says: #ICantEvenDealWithThis.

    Does that make me a bad person? You should know. I mean, you’re clearly a psychologist, right?

    Let me know.



    Posted by Michael on Facebook in May 2015

    “This dude sucks at reporting”

    Yo Michael,

    Maybe you have a point. Perhaps I should find a new job. But what job should I choose? Maybe we can meet at Northern Lights to talk about it?

    In the meantime, let me brainstorm some options right now. I always wanted to be a dancer, but I’d probably suck at that, too, because I only dance when I’m drunk.

    Maybe I should start taking dick pics. I could probably be good at that, because I have a big penis. I’m assuming your penis isn’t big, because you’re busy analyzing my journalistic ability instead of having sex. Don’t be sad, I saw some guy standing next to a hot girl in an infomercial say that ExtenZe helps your penis grow. Just don’t try the male enhancement drug before we have the opportunity to meet. I really want your opinions on what my new career could be. Don’t forget about me.

    Thanks for changing my life!

    – Justin

    Posted by Ian on Facebook in April 2015

    “There is no one in this area I despise more than that Justin Adam Brown who write (sic) for the weekender. All he does is trash Scranton and it’s (sic) citizens (I don’t live in Scranton) and act like he is at a different standard.

    Meanwhile he throws “benefits” but pockets the cash and robs the familirs (sic), plans crap events and blames the venue for no attendance and does 40 other random stunts for attention. I wouldnt (sic) feel an ounce of remorse if the kid got hit by a truck.”

    Hi Ian,

    You sound frustrated and that makes me very sad. Perhaps you should masturbate and release that tension all over your sheets. Pump it dry, too, because sperm with the DNA to get that angry over someone they don’t even know is better off if it doesn’t procreate. If you still have a problem with me after you masturbate, then call me. If you don’t have my number then you don’t know me well enough to have a problem.

    Thanks for being you. There are enough nice people in the world.

    – Justin Adam Brown

    Posted by Britney on Facebook in June 2015

    “It sucks that this area is representing our areas (sic) “young market” for entertainment in journalism. Honest. A”

    – Britney

    Hello Brit,

    I’m sorry you think it sucks that I represent the area for entertainment journalism.

    Want to know what I think sucks? Stage 4 cancer. My dad has it. I watch him throw up from chemo treatments and hear him moaning in pain all night.

    Thanks for making me feel like I have my shit together.

    – Justin

    Posted by John on Facebook in July 2015

    “Justin you are a Retard …&I Hope you Have Grown the F— up ..”

    – John

    Dear John,

    I have a question for you. Have you seen my baseball?

    Let me know? Thanks!

    – J

    Justin writes back to fans after 250 columns

    Justin loves the “fans” who have reached out over the past 250 columns — and he’s letting them know. loves the “fans” who have reached out over the past 250 columns — and he’s letting them know. Instagram