Scranton principal pays for student’s breast implants

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    On a 1989 episode of “Sally,” it was revealed that 94 percent of teenage girls will small breasts develop agoraphobia.

    Scranton High School’s interim principal Carol Giovanno has only been serving the area school district for six weeks, but students say she has already left her mark – on the chest of graduating senior Hillari Colton. A former dinner-theater actress and three-time widow, Giovanno says she offered to fund breast implants for Colton as an incentive for her to graduate.

    “She was getting picked on for having no tits,” Giovanno said. “She stopped showing up for school because her peers relentlessly taunted her. She’s a bright girl and it broke my heart to think that she’d jeopardize her chances at finishing school just because her hooters are smaller than Joe Biden’s brain. I figured gosh darnit, if some nice ‘Gerber servers’ will make her want to come to school, I’ll get ‘em for her.”

    The decision comes after a November 1989 taping of Sally Jessy Raphael’s talk show, “Sally,” revealed 94 percent of teenage girls with small breasts develop agoraphobia (the fear of leaving home).

    According to Colton’s ex-boyfriend/step-father Bradee Harrison, a list of terms and conditions for Giovanno to pay for the implants was signed in blood at Nay Aug Park, Scranton, and noted that the student must attend school every day through graduation, attend the graduation ceremony and give her first-born to a homosexual couple.

    “We’re very grateful for what Hillari’s principal is doing for her,” Harrison said. “This is going to change her life. With larger boobs, she’ll have a future now.”

    The procedure is said to cost $45 and will take place in Tijuana, Mexico, following a live sex show starring Juan Martinez-Fernandez IV and a goat.

    Dixie Normous has two children enrolled in the district. She says she is “outraged” that Giovanno would encourage plastic surgery to a student. “This is sending the wrong message to all of our children,” Nourmous said. “I have big jugs and that means nothing. I’d still be the same person with a flat chest. I’d still be allergic to seafood. I’d still have a bad relationship with my father. I’d still have HPV.”

    When we called Colton for a comment on the situation, she said: “I’d love to answer you, but I’m about to have sex with my Uber driver.”

    Kids these days — am I right?