Other than Mama June, the woman whose womb is responsible for developing the creature known as Honey Boo Boo to full term, there's only one woman I would never want to date: Mother Nature.
First of all, she's unpredictable, and not in the good wake-you-up-with-a-blow-job kind of way. Second, she's bipolar, and not in the fun Britney Spears-faking-an-accent-and-believing-it kind of way.
Finally, she ruined my reality television show debut.
It was the summer of 2009. The reality show I skipped two months of school to film was about to premiere on ABC primetime, and I wanted to celebrate in style. I found a waterfront bar near my college to host the occasion, agreeing to open during the week especially for me if I brought people who were ready to drink a lot and make them money.
To ensure the party was a success, I hired a DJ and a band.
The party got off to a great start as over 100 of my closest friends and Facebook friends came to celebrate my debut on primetime television.
What was destined to be the best party ever quickly turned into the premiere party from hell!
We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you this breaking news, the local Pittsburgh meteorologist said just moments before I Survived A Japanese Game Show was set to air. A severe flash flood and tornado will be hitting the surrounding areas.
To my dismay, the dude didn't end on that note. Instead, he and all of the other local stations decided it was severe enough to need continuous coverage.
Why can't you just put something across the screen like every other time there's a flash flood you a--hole! I screamed over the phone to the news station in between the tequila shots I was downing to make me feel better about my show not being seen.
They hung up.
I then realized I had a band, a DJ, and a bar open just for me and decided to make the best of it. Even though I didn't get to see the premiere of my show, I did throw the biggest party anyone ever had for a tornado.
As for Mother Nature, she eventually went away. But like every whore, they always come back for disruption, like Hurricane Sandy. And what's the best way to piss off a temperamental woman? Throw a party and act like she doesn't exist.
So don't let the hurricane get you down, unless it's down on a tap for a keg stand!