Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re good at lots of things, but gardening’s generally a no-no. Most Rams simply don’t have green thumbs. It’s not that you don’t like taking care of others; it’s just that it works best if they actively remind you when they need some of your TLC. Plants are quite simply not loud enough. Nor, probably, is the newest candidate applying for a lion’s share of your attention and affection. Keep that in mind before you promise it to them. Will you really be able to keep this one thriving without the kind of cues you’re used to? If you’re not sure, please consider which is kinder: giving them a taste, then letting them slowly starve, or simply depriving them altogether and walking away.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Read between the lines. There are holes there, chinks in the armor of those who oppose you. Perhaps their secret inclinations are more in line with yours, or they have qualms about the methods being used to forward their agendas. In any case, there’s something there you can use to get what you want; it’s just a matter of being clever and observant and patient while you figure out what it is. Bide your time, Taurus. What looks like an impossibly impenetrable impediment is actually quite vulnerable — wait for your opening to present itself. Then don’t hesitate. Just dive through.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The first time I met one of my best friends in high school, he was wearing a giant strawberry costume, with more glee than self-consciousness. It was, honestly, ridiculous as well as incredibly crush-inducing, the way he bounced around in green tights grinning ear-to-ear. I’m quite sure he volunteered for this potentially embarrassing scenario, while you weren’t exactly clamoring to take part in the one you face this week. But you could try the same tact he employed: having as much fun with it as possible. You may find, if you enjoy yourself enough, that you’re much more likely to attract admiration than scorn.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Go ahead. Devour great slabs of chocolate cake for breakfast this week. Pause the hunt for that great deep love and just have dirty, hot sex. Indulge your most extreme desires, as this week’s astrological influences are goading you to do anyway, because resisting them is virtually pointless; it certainly won’t get you what you want, in the short or long term. Sometimes you just have to let yourself go there and explore those hedonistic extremes, even if they don’t seem to fit in with your ultimate master plan. Don’t dig in your heels, Cancer. What’s the big deal, anyway? Indulging your most carnal and riotous desires isn’t torture. It’s fun.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Watch out for those strawberry daiquiris. Margarita? Say no thanks. Stay away from the stuff you can drink without exactly cringing, because if it’s too easy to get shit-faced this week, you’ll simply be drunk a bit too often. You’ll end up saying and doing things you’ll regret, and while that’s not exactly the end of the world, it certainly doesn’t set you up all that well for the kind of productive period you’ve been hoping to have the next few months. Stick to something else that tastes horrible when getting your drink on at the moment. You’ll have slightly less fun, but a million fewer regrets.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You can’t avoid your own life forever, no matter how busy you make yourself. Eventually you’ll have to face the problems or people you don’t have answers for. The excuse, “I’ve been too busy to even think about it,” while honest, won’t cut it for long. I don’t like to see you driven to these extremes by avoidance. Instead let lust, ambition, purpose, and zeal drive you; that means shaking this particular unresolved monkey off your back. I want you to stop and have a think and figure out an answer — any answer — so you can quit running from your quandary and get back to your inhuman schedule because you love it, not because you have “no choice.”
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Some guys have wanted into their crappy-ass college fraternity so bad that they’ve died trying. Naturally, these were accidents, but if the hazing rituals they had to endure weren’t so extremely harrowing, they’d never have been at risk in the first place. Where will your desire lead you, and is it proportionate to the danger or hardship you’ll face in its pursuit? Or is the end result as lame as getting to wear some Greek letters and do the same shit to the next generation of pledges when they want in? This week, make sure your goals are worthy of you and not out of proportion to the misery and risk you’ll have to endure to achieve them.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The problem with being so passionate is that you can get carried away. “But isn’t that the whole point?” you ask. Well, yes and no. Sometimes it’s good to let your feelings go over the top, but at other times — like right now — that’s actually keeping you from having the best experience you could. Don’t let this week’s little frustrations make you all inflamed and ridiculous, because when viewed with the least bit of perspective they’ll look incredibly tiny and petty, and you’ll look like the biggest drama queen around. Keep your passions in check. When it’s appropriate to let them loose and burn the city down, you’ll know, without a shadow of a doubt.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
If you accidentally show up for a costume party a day early, don’t wither away in embarrassment. Own it. Make it a happy accident. Find somewhere else to wear your costume to, and use the experience as a dress rehearsal — thus a chance to step up your game when the real thing comes around. Naturally, I’m not really talking about anything as prosaic as an actual costume party; adapt the idea to something really happening in your life. Make the accidental trial run more fun than the actual event would have been, then make the real thing even better. You can, so why the hell not?
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
If I could write your horoscope in white ink, I’d consider it this week, since it would reflect exactly how invisible you’re feeling at the moment. It’s hard not to feel overlooked when your friends go out together without you, or your coworkers get recognition you deserve, or cute strangers blank you instead of flirting with you. What are you doing wrong? Nothing, really — mostly this is the universe’s way of asking you to step up your game. What’s that mean, exactly? Be more proactive. Make yourself unignorable. Don’t have the cojones? Fine, fade into the wallpaper. We’ll see you when we see you, then.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Aquarians have powerful and useful imaginations, but they rarely get out of control. Some of us spend our childhoods fleeing from monsters under the bed, and live our adult lives in the shadow of creatures just as illusory. But these are things you’ve rarely, if ever, done. You can let your imagination vault tremendous distances, but only with your rational intellect holding the reins. What would you say, though, if I told you that a vast territory of possibility lies outside of what you’ve so far seen? Terrors lurk there — but so do wonders. You’ll only get there if you let your imagination run wild and out of control. Curiosity piqued? Good.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Sometimes your passion doesn’t show. I think this is because of your general tendency to see both sides of every situation; what’s actually open-minded (and intense) curiosity can come off as total apathy. It’s not that you can’t muster an opinion; it’s that you have too many, and they’re not necessarily all in sync with each other. Over the years, you’ve learned to keep these contradictions to yourself, since they tend to freak many people out. This week, however, I say let them spill. They may confuse or confound a few, but they’ll let the important ones know that you’re not without care — you’re actually more involved than they could ever imagine. They may not fully grasp the distinction, but it’ll make a difference to them, nonetheless.
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