By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

I was rewatching “Six Feet Under” and a character said something that made me think of you: “If you think life’s a vending machine where you put in virtue and you get out happiness, then you’re probably gonna be disappointed.” Many Virgos suffer under this kind of delusion. It’s easy to believe that life is a simple equation: you work hard, do good things, help people, and you’ll be happy and fulfilled. The equation’s often true—but not always. The trick is believing in and practicing it, even after some exception has blown it off the page.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

What happens this week is huge, only you may not notice it. A vastly important decision will be made, but with so little fanfare it’s likely to be eclipsed by something tiny and petty. It won’t even dawn on you that this huge step’s actually been taken until you start experiencing one of its many significant consequences. It’s nice that this one’s an easy one, and there’s no point in making a big deal about it, or getting in the way. Appreciate, admire, and relish the moment as it happens, instead of having to do so in retrospect.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

What do you do when you need a haircut but just don’t have time or money to get one? Nowadays, you wear a hat (or head scarf, or wig, or gallon of product). You have the same attitude toward emotional baggage. It’s no big deal to cover something up as a temporary measure, but some people take it too far, amassing huge hat collections to hide their guilty secrets. Go ahead and keep yours under a hat—for now. But if it’s still there in three weeks, you’re in deep shit.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Let’s pretend we’re robots. Some of our parts are hard-wired, and others are simply software. The former: things we just can’t change, no matter how hard we try or how much we want to. Adding new programming can mitigate or modify them, but they’ll never go away. There’s a limit to how much transformation is possible, and how permanent it is. Recognize this and figure out if the problems you’re having with someone you love are software conflicts—which can be resolved, with patience and time—or irreconcilable hardware incompatibility.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Capricorns have a way of dissolving into the background when they want to. This is one of those times. It doesn’t mean shit’s not happening, or that you’re not going through anything; it just means that no one notices unless you specifically call their attention to it. So if you’re perfectly happy working through (or playing with) whatever’s going on for you by yourself, by all means, keep at it. But if you want companionship on this leg of the journey don’t suffer (or celebrate) in silence.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Here it is again, your perpetual dilemma: practical considerations duking it out against impractical dreams. What’s it going to be? Buckets of money, doing something that isn’t especially bad or soul-killing, but also isn’t all that inspiring? Or the leap of faith that may amount to nothing and cost you everything (or possibly be the coolest thing you’ve ever done)? It might be exactly the right decision for you to keep on the path you’ve been on and wait for a better time. You’ll be happier walking that path once you’ve rigorously questioned it.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You have trouble focusing. Sometimes all you can see is the big picture, without any details. And other times you view everything through such a tiny filter that your whole life seems just one way. You’re as perpetually unlucky and miserable as Lemony Snicket’s Baudelaire orphans, or as chronically upbeat and happy as Big Bird. This is why you occasionally need the perspectives of those around you, to keep things in balance. This week, notice who the people are who do this for you—and figure out what you can do for them.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You rarely do things halfway; when you discover something new you’re into, you barely do anything else until you’ve exhausted your interest in it. Then you move on to the next thing. A tiny fraction of these exploratory ventures become part of your semi-permanent repertoire; most of them fall by the wayside and are rarely or never picked up again. You occasionally do this with people, but people can come back to haunt you. Beware this kind of haunting.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

There are some skills and assets you possess that you just can’t easily and tastefully reveal in mixed company. For instance, how do you let someone know they should date you because you’re fantastic at oral sex, without being so crass you put them off? This is why you should also develop a vast array of front-line credentials, things people can be impressed by during casual small-talk. You’re already the shit once people get to know you. Work on improving your first impression.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Three is your magic number. Nothing in pairs is likely to work; if you choose to hang out with just your lover, or one parent, or anyone one-on-one, you’re not likely to have a good time. Stick to threes and you’ll have a surprising amount of fun. This might mean consideration of some unusual companions—in fact, your best new friend might be someone you’ve usually considered a third wheel, not a happy third of a ménage á trois.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You may claim to like surprises, but you secretly despise them. When you’re startled, you’re likely to clam up and retreat into your shell, and like any shy hermit crab, it takes you quite a while to come out again. Stay alert but not on edge. You’re likely to be caught off-guard at least three times this week. Happily, not a single one of these shocks will turn out to be anything but good news and good times.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’re like weather; everyone around you is affected by whatever you’re up to. You tend to be surrounded by flexible, spontaneous, good-hearted people; those who aren’t up to being battered by your moods keep a good distance, if they can. However, every so often one of these more delicate individuals washes up next to you, and for whatever reason, can’t escape. Don’t take it personally when they find everything you do abrasive, offensive, or annoying. It’s them, not you. Instead of being hurt, be compassionate.

By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

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To contact Caeriel send mail to