Gemini (May 21-June 20)
If there wasn’t a grain of truth in what you’ve been accused of or called out on, it wouldn’t bother you in the slightest. It’d just roll off your back. It’s that speck of verity that’s sticking in your craw and keeping you up nights. Still, a grain of truth is easily buried—whether under a mountain of bullshit rationalizations or under the fertile sod of personal growth is up to you. Finding enough of the latter to live with this tiny planetoid of shame could be a great challenge. I hope you opt for it anyway; the horseshit may be a quick fix, but it’ll wash away in the next big flood and you’ll be right back where you started.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You’re going to lose things this week. Not big things, like a parent, or a lover—just little shit (that you need), like your phone, your car keys, your glasses. If you want to be able to keep track of this stuff at the moment, you’ll need to superglue it to your skin. I wouldn’t mention it except the time-loss promises to be hours, cumulatively, spent hunting your mundane necessities. So don’t bother with that stuff. Let things slide for a week. This is simply not the week to get all the nitpicky shit crossed off your to-do list. Just go have fun, and if your glasses get misplaced for a few days, don’t worry about it. They’ll turn up, and it gives you an excuse to just go goof off in the meantime.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Not that you’ve ever been huge on one-night stands, but resist the temptation to indulge in any this week. You’ll regret it later, when the stinginess of the moment inflicts itself upon you, after your hormonal compulsions wear off. It’s a mistake to succumb to the tremendous pressure to misbehave—and you know I’m usually quite an advocate of mischievous misconduct. But sometimes it pays to just be a good boy or girl—like now. Save the naughtiness for when it’ll actually do you and others some good, not presently, when it’ll just make everyone feel bad and not actually be much fun.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’re usually more afraid of screwing something up than of it simply going wrong on its own. Instead of remembering that shit just happens, you start getting paranoid about how you’re going to make it happen, inadvertently. Please refrain from worrying about it, since that’s the single most likely way that you’ll manifest it. One solution: Look in the mirror and say your worst fear out loud. Say, “Yep. That’s exactly what’s going to happen. We’re all simply going to die (or whatever).” Shrug, accept it, and laugh in spite of it. Then go enjoy yourself, because the worst has already happened in your head; what’s left to worry about?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Your lover’s liable to abscond to Europe this week, with the dog. Or your Mom could elope with a boyfriend half her age, without telling you. It’s not that you resent your peeps their adventures so much—it’s that they failed to include you! Please don’t take it personally, though. Sometimes things move fast, and are sufficiently compelling that even a VIP like you can get temporarily overlooked. Have a hissy fit, and all you’ll get is a sorrowful, guilty apology. Play it cool, and you’re likely to get an apology anyway—along with invitations to future fun.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Get thee to bed. There’s enough going on in your world to give you conniptions if you think about it too much. The only place that makes sense is between your sheets (especially if you have someone to play with there), so why stray far from their comfort when you don’t have to? It’s off to work next week, confusion or no, so enjoy every delicious sleepy moment available to you. There’s time to muddle through, and times to avoid it all, and one of your chief recurrent mistakes is getting confused between them, opting for avoidance when you should be dealing, and struggling when it’s better to wait and let things blow over a little. So trust me, and go to bed.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
While your Capricornian neighbors wrestle with the dilemma of being mirrors for their parents, you’re more concerned this week with being parents, or otherwise setting an example for those under your influence. Those impressionable minds, be they children, your parents, lovers, or admirers, are a huge responsibility, and you’re daunted by it. Don’t be. You’re imperfect, just like the rest of us, and that’s more than okay. It makes you accessible, relatable. What I’m trying to get across: Don’t sweat it, and especially, don’t bother trying to present some perfected version of yourself. You’re the perfect example, just as you are.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You are your parents. That’s the depressing truth, or it seems to be—often at your worst moments. Although you’re likely to notice a few uninspiring traits you inherited from Mom or Pop this week, don’t let it get you down. The more you can see what you’ve unwillingly absorbed, the more you’re able to transcend it, to consciously decide to act differently. So don’t freak; now that you can see how things are, the power is in your hands. You may be your parents (in certain ways) right now, but if you don’t like that, by this time next year you can have eradicated nearly every trace.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Face value is overrated this week, so don’t build your whole life, or even engage in any major decisions, based on appearances. They’re misleading. In fact, the most positive thing to occur in the next seven days will turn out, upon further reflection, to be basically crappy (or at best neutral). On a more inspiring note, however, the two most negative events that happen will, as early as next week, wind up being some of the best stuff to come your way all year, even though they suck in the moment. It’s one of those things—you learn a million times more from your failures than your successes—as long as you let yourself.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Blood is thicker than water, and the stuff that pumps through your oversized heart is no exception. Sometimes it moves faster than electricity, and you can process emotions with superhuman velocity. Other times, it gets thick and sluggish and sticky, and you’re stuck dealing with heavy soul-goop for days after you wish you were over it. Unfortunately, you may suffer more of the latter experience this week. Please don’t beat yourself up over it; sometimes the only way to be done with something is to mentally hash it over until you’re utterly bored with it. Luckily, you’ll reach that point soon, and you’ll be able to move on to something a bit more interesting, and enlightening.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
This week, you’ve got plenty of leverage when negotiating for what you want. People know they might as well make deals with you, since if they don’t, you’re perfectly capable of simply seizing what you want by force. Don’t be too greedy or bossy when exercising this little bit of pull. The best deals, as you know, are always win-win. Since you’re the one calling the shots when brokering, please angle for mutual benefit, not pure self-advancement. They’ll remember it—and so will you—when the tables are turned, a bit further down the line.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Discovery of your creative aptitude happened almost completely by accident. But what a happy accident! The artistic talents you wield (even if you’re publicly bashful or modest about them) are among your most prized assets. This is a good week to take them one step further. No need to quit your day job to write the great American novel, or to even advertise what you’re up to. But because it feeds you (and there’s no better reason), truly commit to your art in a way that makes sense in your life and which, most importantly, generates an opening—no matter how tiny—for an even greater flow of creative juices.