By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

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New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning (10) passes the gall against the San Francisco 49ers during the first quarter of an NFL football game, Sunday, Oct. 11, 2015, in East Rutherford, N.J. (AP Photo/Seth Wenig)

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    Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

    If you’ve experienced real bliss—drug-induced or otherwise—you know that it would be an intolerable condition if it persisted for too long, just like agony. Most people prefer, overall, more subdued emotions, such as contentment, serenity, or satisfaction, just as irritation, mild soreness, or a low-level sting would be preferable to outright misery. Keep that in mind this week; in your hunt for more extreme states, you might get them—and realize they weren’t quite what you had in mind. Letting yourself be quietly serene isn’t settling for less—it’s getting what you actually wanted most, only didn’t know it.

    Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

    Cue up the spotlights and the soundtrack. Places, everybody! We’ve got one take on this and that’s it. We either get it or we don’t. No pressure, though. I just don’t want you to take the upcoming performance too casually, because if you don’t give it your all—plus some you didn’t know you had—you’re not going to get anyone to suspend their disbelief. The consequences of such a disaster would be worse than a bad review or two. You’d practically be black-listed from your scene-making scene. No one’s going to buy a ticket to your show for ages. So get it right, or get out of the business (whichever business you’re in).

    Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

    You’re marvelously impractical—something that earns you barrels of criticism and pique. You’re used to receiving mostly negativity from your fellow humans, especially if they must cooperate with you on some task. Be it simple or complicated, from making dinner together to starting a business, you’re bound to frustrate folk, because you simply don’t do things the expected way, or even using methods that others can recognize or employ themselves. This week, however, your weird and wonderful ways should attract more positive attention than negative; those nearby will be more fascinated than critical by the circuitous routes your mind takes on its way anywhere.

    Aries (March 21-April 19)

    Why is it your sorry recent fate to end up in circumstances that require frequent pride-swallowing and, in some cases, absolute surrender? Because there are lessons to be learned here, and until you get them—deep in your bones—they’ll be repeated ad infinitum. Can you say you’ve mastered the ability to differentiate between situations that would merit from some guidance and control, and those that simply can’t (or shouldn’t) be steered in any direction? In case you haven’t yet figured it out, that’s the lesson you need to master. Until you do, expect to deep throat your ego at least a few more times.

    Taurus (April 20-May 20)

    When you eventually settle back into your work routine, it’s with relief. Most Taureans find the holidays—and their requisite family obligations—both exhilarating and exhausting. It’s great to see the folks again, but also great to see them go. Try to keep things in perspective, however. Your co-workers, in contrast to the family you’re tired of, might seem as immediately desirable as a steaming croissant, fresh from the oven. However, keep in mind that they’re the same highly imperfect folk you were nigh unto strangling a couple weeks ago, before you make promises to them you won’t want to keep in a couple more.

    Gemini (May 21-June 20)

    Four out of five Americans, at some point in their lives, suffer from spiritual constipation. These cases vary in seriousness, sometimes lasting only days, but occasionally persisting for years, or even decades. If you should be experiencing a bout of this dread ailment, fear not. It’s nothing to be ashamed of; in fact, shame can lengthen and exacerbate the condition, because shame-based cases often go unaddressed for twice as long as they would be otherwise. People from all different faiths and belief systems get “stuck” sometimes, discovering that their emotional shit no longer moves, but just hangs around weighing them down. Luckily, you already know someone who can get things moving again. This week, call them Prune Juice and ask them to administer your cure.

    Cancer (June 21-July 22)

    Always a rough couple of weeks for you Cancers, the last two were exceptionally grueling and upsetting. At last, however, the mess is resolving itself; if not shifting towards a state of neatness, at least settling into entropic lassitude that promises not to explode again any time soon. With this week’s New Year’s celebrations and the resolutions that sometimes come with, you’ve got a chance to reorganize certain parts of your emotional and belief systems, hopefully in such a way that they’re unlikely to ever get quite this muddled again; here’s hoping future clutter remains more manageable.

    Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

    You’re loyal, not intransigent. That’s something less dynamic characters frequently misunderstand. When you commit to someone, it’s an emotional obligation you take seriously; however, its exact form can (and must) change over time. The strongest bonds are resilient; they can stretch and grow in response to the forces exerted on or against them. Relationships and roles that are rigidly defined usually crumble when reality’s torque grows too intense. Try explaining this to those who don’t understand why you’re “not the same person” you were a year ago. Point out that this is a good thing—demonstrating the strength of your connection, not its weakness. They still may not be able to understand your reasoning; however, they have a better chance of doing so this week than any other.

    Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

    Rules to abide by this week: 1. No whining. 2. No cursing fate. 3. No feeling sorry for yourself. It may seem like I’m steering you towards some kind of insincere stoicism (or worse, martyrdom), but I’m not. I just want you to realize that even though some of the things that happen to you this week are nothing like what you wanted—in fact, many of them just plain suck—they are nevertheless precisely what you needed. There are many possible analogies, all of them too dramatic (you’re being forged, compressed into diamond, etc…), but you get what I’m talking about. A little pain serves you better than pleasure could, so try to suffer serenely, if possible.

    Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

    I hope you make a New Year’s resolution more profound than: “I will never, ever, drink egg nog again.” While this arbitrary ritual of making improvements to your life on January 1st (and at no other time) is pretty lame, it’s better than nothing. Therefore, I hope you gave it some in-depth consideration regarding issues beyond your most recent hangover. Here’s a juicy hint as to which evolutionary direction is likely to benefit you the most: 2016 is likely to be the year you figure out the love and romance thing, or you don’t (for at least five more years to come).

    Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

    Scorpios are stereotypically prone to meaningless infidelities. They’re also notorious for convincing themselves that once they get rid of the evidence, no harm’s been done. Unfortunately, this is not simply a case of burning a semen-spotted dress. Trust has been violated, and it’s actually a painless, invisible (but nevertheless serious) wound until it’s exposed, later—at that point, it becomes obvious that it’s been festering so long that it might even be enough to kill the whole creature—namely, your relationship. Sooner is always, always better than later to reveal these things. If you’ve got a secret, know this: there will be NO good time to come clean; now’s better than any other.

    Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

    Any perception that the cards are stacked against you is incorrect, and finds its source in pure defeatism. There is a part of you that wants to see you fail, to suffer, to die horribly. Everybody has some tiny piece of outrageous pessimism that wants to see itself proved right. Resistance to it, however, is not futile. It’s necessary. It’s more powerful than you think. Letting it decide that you’re in for nothing but shit will likely cause exactly that to happen. However, your innate optimism is more than enough to defeat or surmount any bad luck you might suffer—if you let it. Please do.

    Celebrity Birthdays

    Ross Lynch: Dec. 29, 1995

    LeBron James: Dec. 30, 1984

    Anthony Hopkins: Dec. 31, 1937

    Colin Morgan: Jan. 1, 1986

    Cuba Gooding Jr.: Jan. 2, 1968

    Eli Manning: Jan. 3, 1981

    Coco Jones: Jan. 4, 1998

    To contact Caeriel send mail to sign.language.astrology@gmail.com.

    By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

    New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning (10) passes the gall against the San Francisco 49ers during the first quarter of an NFL football game, Sunday, Oct. 11, 2015, in East Rutherford, N.J. (AP Photo/Seth Wenig)
    http://theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/web1_eli1B.jpgNew York Giants quarterback Eli Manning (10) passes the gall against the San Francisco 49ers during the first quarter of an NFL football game, Sunday, Oct. 11, 2015, in East Rutherford, N.J. (AP Photo/Seth Wenig)

    To contact Caeriel send mail to sign.language.astrology@gmail.com.

    Celebrity Birthdays

    Ross Lynch: Dec. 29, 1995

    LeBron James: Dec. 30, 1984

    Anthony Hopkins: Dec. 31, 1937

    Colin Morgan: Jan. 1, 1986

    Cuba Gooding Jr.: Jan. 2, 1968

    Eli Manning: Jan. 3, 1981

    Coco Jones: Jan. 4, 1998