Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
It might take you a few tries to hit the right note, but don’t give up. Your audience has a remarkable degree of patience for you right now. They want to see you succeed and shine, so they’re willing to give you the chance to start over several times, until you figure your shit out. Don’t consider giving up on yourself before they do, no matter how much you’re tempted, because you won’t just be disappointing yourself, but your legions of fans. They’ll forgive heaps of failure, ruinous errors, and dreadful performances—but forfeit? Never.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
When most people mourn, they enter recognizable stages of mourning, including denial, anger, and plain old grief—but not necessarily you Sags. Plenty of you do follow the usual patterns, plenty of the time. But you also have a disturbing (at least to others) tendency to have more unconventional responses to tragic circumstances. It’s unnerving to some when you laugh at funerals, or feel sadder about people’s shitty lives than about their miserable deaths. But it’s also genuine. This is not the time to concern yourself with what people expect, or what’s “normal.” Just be you—even if it’s really, really weird. Some people may not like it, but they’ll deal.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
There’s nothing like a tragedy or otherwise catastrophic event to put things in perspective. Put your apartment underwater, then keep you from going back there to see how little you have left; suddenly concerns and irritations you obsessed about the day before seem petty and trifling. Luckily, you’re probably not suffering from this kind of disaster; however, I hope it wouldn’t take something so dramatic to cast your current reality in a new light. Isn’t everything a bit skewed at the moment? The things you’re making such a big deal about aren’t really worthy of that kind of fuss. Take it down a notch, and save the drama for truly dramatic situations.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You’ve been so lame about keeping in touch with certain old friends. If I were them, I’d be pissed—it’s easier now to maintain a connection to your long-lost buddies than it’s ever been. It’s easy to blame them, but not particularly nice or generous of you. Give them the benefit of the doubt and assume you’ve overlooked overtures or that they’ve been truly too busy. Dig them up and make their week by reconnecting with them. Reach out—doesn’t matter how: email, Facebook, phone… and do the catching up you should’ve done ages ago.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
It’s time to stop driving in reverse. You’ve done an admirable job of steering your little ship using mirrors and over the shoulder glances—but that kind of guess-work and semi-reckless trusting to fortune is no longer necessary; you can now take a degree of control that’s been denied to you for quite a while. Don’t be fearful of turning yourself around and changing your methods completely. Just because you got good at the backwards thing doesn’t mean you won’t be able to do it the “right” way, too. In fact, chances are—despite your doubts—you’ll be able to do it better.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You can’t save the day every day. As much as you want to be everyone’s hero, opportunities don’t come that often. I want to be funny and clever and patient and kind a lot more often than I actually manage to be any of those things. That’s why I relish the moments when I really pull any of them off. You, too, should treasure the chances this week will present for you to be the rescuer, helper, or savior to those you’ve wanted to aid or impress for ages now. The coolest thing is—the more you display heartfelt appreciation for these opportunities to help others—the more opportunities will come your way.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This week is full of Taurus shine! But what to do with all this lovely familiar energy, that makes everyone more likely to want to do things your way—often without you even suggesting it? Enjoy it, of course, but just sitting back and letting the chance to really advance your private agenda pass you by would be a real mistake. I’m not talking becoming some shady manipulative fucker, but making those common sense changes you’ve been considering for ages (for the benefit of all those around you, as well as yourself)—that simply has to be a good thing.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’re used to being the inconstant one, the one who changes their mind frequently. You’re the very definition of flexibility, aren’t you? Aren’t you? Then why are you balking at the indecisiveness demonstrated by your friends? Because it’s not coming from you? Other people have a right to self-contradiction too, you know. Okay, in this case, their worrying inconsistency directly affects you, since you now have to decide whether to heed the advice they dished out last month, or the new words of wisdom spilling now. What’s changed? The situation, or the person helping you evaluate it? Actually that question’s too simple, since the truth is both have altered since then. Here’s one that’s both more simple and complex, but will help you resolve the issue once and for all: is your friend more or less screwed up now than he was before?
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Find a Taurus this week! You need some of that earthy influence. You and Taurus are quite similar in certain important ways—you’re both comfort-loving, loyal homebodies who care passionately about the things you’re involved in (even though you express that enthusiasm in different ways). Finding someone to share that stuff with will make it so you don’t have to struggle too much to swim counter to this week’s current. In other words, you can just be you this week—and really get somewhere, for once, fast.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’re about as impervious as a screen door. The barriers you’re presenting to the world at the moment are more or less a formality—almost anyone can penetrate them with a minimum of effort. If you really want to keep people and ideas out of your personal domain—and I’m not convinced you do—you’ll want to add a few feet of steel and something more secure than a hook-and-eye lock. And if you put the screen door there on purpose—so people could see and get inside without having to work too hard—stop acting like they’re committing a crime when they do.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’re a rational creature, right? You let logic rule you, don’t you? Then why are you experiencing such a conflict between your gut and the dictates of the world around you? Why is it so hard to follow the advice, recommendations, or demands of your lover just because they go against your instinctive urges (probably vestiges of your monkey past)? This is a really tough one. I’m a big fan of trusting my intuition; letting someone else override what it’s telling me would be a huge gesture of trust. Consider doing it on that basis alone. After all, you can deal with the consequences if they’re wrong a lot better than the ones that’ll occur if you are.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You’d be surprised at how much time is devoted to discussion of you when you’re not around. People are intrigued, concerned, irritated, fascinated—even obsessed—with the things you do. I don’t mention it so you can start giving a shit about what they’re talking about—it’s irrelevant, at least in terms of substance. But you ought to know that they’re doing it. Since your friends are likely to jump to conclusions or make surreal group decisions about you this week, I’d rather you not be too surprised when they announce them. If you’re prepared, you’ll be able to handle whatever ridiculousness with grace and dignity, instead of the flip-out they’re probably expecting.
To contact Caeriel send mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
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Snookie: Nov. 23, 1987