Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
I would say you’re one of the most compelling, wise, and intense people in the zodiac, but you’re also one of the least practical, realistic, or cautious. Believe me, I’m not a big fan of boring, safe people; that’s why I love you Scorpios. But I find you so much more interesting when one of your adventures actually grants you some powerful degree of success. This one isn’t liable to pan out—in fact, it’s quite likely to keep you from taking advantage of another opportunity that’s even more exciting and viable. Drop it and move on, swiftly, to something that works.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
My friends and I keep our eyes on Crazy Girl. She’s just this chick we see everywhere around town, always talking to herself about nonsense and doing ridiculous things. We like her. She makes us redefine “crazy,” or at least the values associated with it. She usually looks like she’s having a blast, and she somehow keeps herself fed and reasonably clean, despite operating in what to all appearances looks like a different reality from the one we share. Please consider following her example; your reality could use a re-write, in the interest of granting you more fun, efficiency, insight, or all three. Go for it, no matter how nuts it makes you look.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Beware of gloaters. You’re very likely to hear one of the following phrases this week: “I told you so;” “I’m doing so much better now that we’re not together anymore;” or “I made my first million! And you said it couldn’t be done;” or even possibly “They were just using you to get to me.” Don’t let it get you down. Everyone suffers these little setbacks. Really, it reflects more on the speaker than on you, even if it feels like hell. Do your best to move on with dignity, grace, and high speed. Don’t, don’t, don’t sink to their level and respond the way they’re hoping you will. It won’t get you anywhere, internally or externally. Just glide right by, and into the more welcoming environs of your next chapter.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Cymothoa Exigua is a parasite which attaches itself to a fish’s tongue, drinking its blood. Eventually the tongue is reduced to a stub, but by then the little crustacean is big enough to take over the tongue’s duties. It just latches on and helps the fish eat—helping itself to the food as well. Horrifying, yes, but there are worse forms of parasitism; you could even say this one veers towards symbiosis, even if it falls far short. Like the fish, there’s not much you can do about the parasites feeding off you at the moment—but you can make them at least do some of your work for you while they’re there.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Pisceans are well known for their prophetic dreams, flashes of deep personal insight, and psychic anticipation of another’s thoughts or words. I don’t know if I even believe in that, yet I can’t deny I’ve seen it in action. The problem is, I think, that you don’t always know whether what you’re guessing at is some extrasensory clue or just a plain old flight of fancy, so occasionally your credibility becomes unavoidably tarnished. Then, when you get a hunch you know is unassailable, you sometimes have trouble convincing people that it’s not another false alarm. Nevertheless, difficult as it may be, that’s your task this week.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
What you’ll learn this week: You know less than you think you know. Ironically, it’s a big dose of new information that’ll finally clue you in. For example, when scientists acquired footage, for the first time only a decade ago, of a living giant squid. More knowledge of the massive creature—which can range from 25-45 feet long—is of course a fascinating and good thing. But it doesn’t inspire confidence that we know that much about our oceans; it eluded us for so long. There are probably millions of smaller creatures that we don’t even have an inkling of. Get it? It’s weird, but, after this week, you’ll know a lot more, but humbly feel like you know a lot less.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
As the least practical earth sign—you’re much more into convenience and aesthetics than mundane concerns—you don’t always give good advice. No, that’s not right; your advice is fantastic—for someone seeking to do things the way you’d do them or have the kind of experience you’d enjoy. But that’s not always the case. It’d be mighty useful if you could take off your filters and try to see the world as this week’s wisdom-seeker does. Your experience could still be valuable to her; wouldn’t you rather be helpful than fashionable but useless?
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Jet Blue Flight 292’s passengers were stuck watching a live DirecTV feed of themselves while their plane circled for 3 hours burning off fuel before it attempted to make an emergency landing without properly-functioning landing gear. It actually freaked them out more to see their life-and-death drama unfolding on the televisions in front of them. Too much information can be a bad thing, especially when you’re helpless to act on it—this may come as a surprise to you ever-curious Geminis, but I urge you to consider it this week. Ignorance for its own sake is stupid—but ignorance for your sake—in other words, when it spares you feelings of helplessness and hopelessness—might not be so bad.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You need a home. Not just a place to crash, but a real nest in which to feel safe and comfortable, surrounded by your favorite people and things. I know, because the abundant Cancer in my chart conflicts powerfully with my tremendous wanderlust and cravings for adventure and change. I had to forge a compromise; one which might suit you as well—I decided to treat everywhere I moved to as a long-term home, even if I knew I’d only be there 6 months; I’d paint the walls, decorate, grow plants, acquire belongings, and so on. I don’t know what compromise will suit you and your life’s necessities and choices, exactly, but I do know you need to find one, pronto.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
A Leo in full command of her imperial vibe is an impressive thing. Look at Jennifer Lawrence or Madonna; these are classic lionesses who rarely falter or suffer crises of indecision. They may experience defeats, setbacks, and disappointments, but they don’t lack drive. Like it or not, you’ve got to embrace at least part of this regal heritage. You’re the ruler of your own life, even if you don’t control a media empire. Don’t pretend subservience or bafflement to please anyone else—it’ll just backfire. Sure, accepting and flaunting your self-assurance will earn you enemies or at least detractors—but it’s also the only way to acquire admirers, and, even more importantly, to move forward towards the things you really want, and want to do.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
It’s hard to leave that rented apartment after you spent so much time and money remodeling it. It’ll be sad to leave those refinished hardwood floors, the built-in shelving, the marble countertops. But you knew this could happen—investing so much in something that you couldn’t be certain would stay in your hands was always a risk—one you were probably reluctant to accept in the first place. Don’t be bitter, though. Whether it’s an apartment, job, or relationship you’re forced to leave behind, it sucks. But you could (and should) look at it as practice for the one you’ll eventually get to keep.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Despite the mitigating factor of globalization, travel is still a broadening influence. Even subtle differences—toilet construction, eating etiquette, sexual mores—of human existence give you new perspective on old life. A one-week trip to Tokyo, Paris, or Rio might not change you much—but it will change you, enabling you to appreciate or differently regard your usual habits and routines. Besides, sometimes it’s the only thing that can shake you out of a rut. Since some aspects of this week are all rut and sucking mud—the kind of thing that could keep you immobile for just ages if you’re not careful—avoid them by simply going somewhere you’ve never been.
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Caitlyn Jenner (pictured): Oct. 28, 1949
Tove Lo: Oct. 29, 1987
Marcus Mariota: Oct. 30, 1993
Willow Smith: Oct. 31, 2000
Paige Hyland: Nov. 1, 2000
Nelly: Nov. 2, 1974
Kendall Jenner: Nov. 3, 1995