By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

Sign language: What do the stars have in line for you?

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Actress Dakota Johnson poses for photographs during a premiere for "Black Mass" during the Toronto International Film Festival at the Elgin Theatre on Monday, Sept. 14, 2015, in Toronto. (Nathan Denette/The Canadian Press via AP)

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    Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

    Anyone who drives around blasting music at ridiculous decibel levels is an idiot. How presumptuous and obnoxious! It’s not like they’re trying to expose us to some fantastic music—it’s so loud it’s distorted; all you can hear is the bone-shaking bass. The good news: None of these losers is a Libra. The bad news: When you’re forced to deal with this kind of asshole this week, you won’t be able to slap some sense into him. Whether it’s your sister’s new boyfriend or your landlord’s kid, it’s just not going to be politic to give him a piece of your mind—so please don’t try.

    Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

    Do you ever stop to think about the many little miracles you take for granted? How amazing is it that you can use a little chunk of plastic in your hand and talk to and see, instantly, your buddy in New Zealand? Technological progress is one tangible thing we can point to that changes the repeating themes of human history from a circle to a spiral, both on a grand scale and a very personal one. Things you wouldn’t have conceived of as possible ten years ago—like a long-distance relationship, for one obvious example—are now much more of a reality. Don’t rule them out as a matter of course.

    Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

    I think the best human solutions are those that take into account the incredible diversity of human experience. Binary answers to complicated problems are just too plain simplistic (and let’s just say it: stupid) to really work. In the short-term, they might seem more dramatic or effective, but in the end they’re simply not viable. How do you make room, especially when you’re dealing with a group, for the more complex (and less “perfect” and appealing) solutions that are actually required? That’s the question that you’ve got to answer this week, and I’m useless; I don’t know, either. What I do know is this: If you don’t figure out a way, no one will, and we’ll all be stuck with the devastating end result.

    Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

    There it is, that dream you had, perfectly preserved in amber. Nothing about it’s changed; it hasn’t deteriorated one bit—but it hasn’t improved or evolved, either. It’s effectively dead. You can admire it, long for it, display it proudly or with shame, but you can’t resurrect it. That particular goal is forever beyond you now. This week, however, your life vaguely resembles Jurassic Park. You can salvage something from this extinct idea, a bit of mental DNA. Mix it with some of the new stuff you’ve been brewing and you might actually have something good, something viable. Something alive and ready to grow.

    Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

    You purport to prefer everything clean, categorized, and coordinated, but the truth is you’re obsessed with mystery. You organize the boring shit so you can devote more attention and energy to the fascinating people and things that don’t fit into any box—the ones you can actually learn something from. Unfortunately, your chaos-clearing impulses have gotten out of hand; the reason you’re bored is because mystery has moved out. It’s tricky to allow the unknown back into your life once you’ve swept it out. You can’t just clear out a closet and say, “Look, fly in here. I’ve made some space.” You’ve actually got to open all the windows and doors and then close your eyes. Let it happen. Smile. This’ll be fun.

    Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

    If I weren’t such a slob, I’d sweep my apartment every day; because of my eternally shedding hound, that’s how often it needs it. But I live with dog hair because I don’t give a shit. You get that, don’t you? After all, you live with loads of stuff that’s less than convenient, because it’s easier than eradicating it from your life. Your laidback attitude isn’t shared by everyone you meet, however. For instance, most neat-freaks wouldn’t want to live with me because I’m so lax about the dog hair. I don’t mind, but you might—since the person you want to step in the door is reluctant for similar reasons, you might want to actually consider cleaning up some of the mess.

    Aries (March 21-April 19)

    I’m a big fan of self-belief, just like you. The only way to achieve something grand—even absurdly, improbably grand—is to believe it to be possible. To decide that it’s unattainable is to give up before you’ve begun. I’m not preaching to you. I mean, you practically taught this to me. But your job’s not done. Someone else desperately needs to learn how to properly dream. They’re writing off their highest hopes as unachievable fantasy—which of course makes it so. You and I know it doesn’t need to be like that. Convince them of the same, would you?

    Taurus (April 20-May 20)

    By now every smart Taurus has learned the lesson of backing up your data in at least two or three different places. Otherwise, all it takes is one hard drive crash and you’re screwed. Naturally, life isn’t so simple. If you crash a relationship, you can’t take it back to the last stable spot and reboot it from there, avoiding the mistakes the second time around which caused the crash during the first run. You get one shot; second chances aren’t the same as a fresh start—they’re too colored by the screw-ups that came before. Keep that in mind—before you make a mistake you can’t take back.

    Gemini (May 21-June 20)

    What is identity? I look on my former selves like my 5 year-old self or my 19 year-old self, and they seem like different people to who I am now. I’m more similar to people I meet than I am to those former incarnations, with whom I share only memories, not taste in music, attitudes, or aspirations. You’ve changed even more than I have; you’re one of the most dynamic people I know. So why let yourself feel so limited because of who you were? Yeah, your teenage self might not have been up to what you’re dreaming of. Even the person you were yesterday might not be capable of it. But the person you are today is capable—if you don’t get stuck on all the yous that weren’t.

    Cancer (June 21-July 22)

    Old-school alchemists pursued the elixir of life (which could extend human lifespans indefinitely) because they believed it possible. They simply didn’t know how much they didn’t know. Please don’t be offended if I suggest you’re in a similar position. At least one of your aspirations is as absurd as creating a potion of eternal youth, even if it doesn’t look that way from where you’re standing. You’ll see. I mention it not so you stop pursuing it, but so you won’t be so disappointed when it’s proven impossible that you fail to notice all the cool shit you discovered and accomplished along the way.

    Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

    You loathe having your loyalty questioned. You’d do anything for those you love which is why it’s so irksome when someone asks you to prove it. If someone were drowning in icy water you’d jump in to save them. But this theoretical posturing—where you’d have to prove you’d jump in, without actually being in that situation—is almost impossible to deal with. You’ve been torturing yourself over it, haven’t you? It’s just not worth it, my dear. Either they have faith in you or they don’t. Go ahead and save them when they need it. But until then, don’t bother trying to convince them you would.

    Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

    There’s no need to reinvent the wheel here. You’re trying to riff on something that’s been done a million times; don’t waste your time starting from scratch and making unnecessary mistakes that have already been resolved. In the past this approach has occasionally taught you something new that no one’s noticed before—thanks to your unique way of looking at the world—but this time that’s just plain unlikely. There’s something to be achieved here, but only by building on the work that’s already been done, not redoing it yourself. You’re the gorgeous delicious cherry on top of the cake; jump right to that, and don’t waste time grinding the flour.

    CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS

    T-Pain

    Sept. 30, 1985

    Julie Andrews

    Oct. 1, 1935

    Sting

    Oct. 2, 1951

    Gwen Stefani

    Oct. 3, 1969

    Dakota Johnson

    Oct. 4, 1989

    Kate Winslet

    Oct. 5, 1975

    Amy Jo Johnson

    Oct. 6, 1970

    To contact Caeriel send mail to sign.language.astrology@gmail.com.

    By Caeriel Crestin | For Weekender

    Actress Dakota Johnson poses for photographs during a premiere for "Black Mass" during the Toronto International Film Festival at the Elgin Theatre on Monday, Sept. 14, 2015, in Toronto. (Nathan Denette/The Canadian Press via AP)
    http://www.theweekender.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/web1_dakota.jpgActress Dakota Johnson poses for photographs during a premiere for "Black Mass" during the Toronto International Film Festival at the Elgin Theatre on Monday, Sept. 14, 2015, in Toronto. (Nathan Denette/The Canadian Press via AP)

    To contact Caeriel send mail to sign.language.astrology@gmail.com.

    CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS

    T-Pain

    Sept. 30, 1985

    Julie Andrews

    Oct. 1, 1935

    Sting

    Oct. 2, 1951

    Gwen Stefani

    Oct. 3, 1969

    Dakota Johnson

    Oct. 4, 1989

    Kate Winslet

    Oct. 5, 1975

    Amy Jo Johnson

    Oct. 6, 1970