Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
It’s supposed to be good luck to fold 1000 origami cranes in a year. I’m giving it a try. Someone gave me a stack of fancy paper and whenever I have a minute I fold it into a crane. It’s very meditative, actually, and it occurred to me that this kind of activity might suit you, because of its low time commitment (it only takes a minute). Like I said last week, you need to generate bits of downtime; because finding or making a spare half hour on a regular basis is beyond you, I thought I’d suggest something like this, that you can squeeze into all the chinks in your schedule. I’m not kidding about this. If you don’t find some way to truly chill out during the gaps in your routine, it’ll be all gaps before you know it.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Libras love bloopers. Admit it: you like to see other people mess up. It’s not like you’re a malicious asshole; it’s just funny. Remember that, when others have a chuckle at your expense this week. You’re not immune to mistakes, after all. Why begrudge someone else their enjoyment of them? Yeah, it’s different when the shoe’s on the other foot, especially because you go out of your way to avoid situations you’ll mess up in. But developing a sense of humor about your own flaws and screw-ups is never a bad thing, so don’t get all puffed-up and defensive when that embarrassing moment comes. Just let all that pride go and laugh along.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
There are at least 73 good reasons why you shouldn’t smoke, drink, or otherwise screw yourself over, but you’re not likely to heed them. Scorpios have a built-in self-destruct that no one can override; the only one who can convince you to turn your shit around before you drive full-speed off a cliff is you. There’s good news to go along with all this depressing crap, though: you’re more likely to be able to quit your bad habit cold turkey and never look back than any other sign. Guess what else? This week’s the best week to do just that; you won’t get a better chance until sometime next year.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Someday, they may be able to manufacture tiny robot mites that can crawl right into our brains and broadcast what we think to the whole world. While it might be interesting to have your dreams available for daytime playback, I doubt most of us could sanely withstand such a fundamental violation of our inner sanctums. You Sagittarians, who bristle when someone is too curious about your feelings, might especially have trouble. Hopefully, the day when our brains our invaded by nano-bots is still far off. However, you should prepare for some lesser invasions of your privacy this week, because they’re unavoidable. Just remember: it could be worse.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
It’s a good week to ponder imponderables. All those questions without answers usually drive you nuts, but as you’re more likely to be able to accept or laugh at them than usual, you could win yourself a little peace of mind while strengthening your sense of humor. Anything that reduces the amount of worry in your life has got to be a good thing. Cool, now that you can stop freaking out about what happens when we die, or why someone doesn’t love you, you can focus on tackling problems that actually have solutions.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You don’t respond well to authority figures, unless they’re backing you up. When they tell you not to do something you really want to do, your usual response is a hearty laugh and a “Go screw yourself,” then it’s all on. Hey, rebellion turns me on. In this case, however, more than one of your friends have independently approached you with the same emphatic suggestion. Maybe it’s best if you listen. This isn’t just your ass on the line; you’re risking a pair of friendships as well. These guys are just not going to be around to help you nurse wounds you acquired by ignoring their advice. How much would your life suck then?
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You don’t go nuts during the Full Moon like some other signs. Hell, it’s not like you need an excuse to go crazy. You’re half-mad at the best of times and that’s just fine, and you seem to operate according to your own unique cycle, anyway. For example, this week, you’re more likely to get more out of your particular brand of insanity than usual. Whether that translates to intuitive insights with practical applications, telepathic sex with your lover, or a flash of inspiration that leads to some brilliant new invention that finally makes you your million, I can’t say, exactly. But I’m willing to bet you’ll enjoy it.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Equality is overrated, according to you Rams. I’m not talking civil rights here—you’re usually up for a level playing field. But beyond that, it’s all on. You play the cards you’re dealt. That means some people are smarter, or faster, or prettier, or healthier, or just plain better than other people. You don’t give a shit about bullshit political correctness. Let people be offended by the fact that life’s not necessarily fair. Resist other people’s lameass strategies to reduce the amount of competitiveness in your life. They don’t want to compete because they can’t win. Tough shit. If they don’t like the way the game is played, they don’t get to change the game. All they get to do is not play.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Here’s the kind of situation you can expect this week: You’re about to enter some big meeting or pick up a hot date when you notice your deodorant just kicked out. On the one hand, it’s just B.O. But on the other, these stupid details matter, sometimes. Don’t spend the entire time freaking, when one little thing (for example, ten seconds with a stick of deodorant) could change your whole outlook and experience. It might be slightly embarrassing to ask to borrow someone’s deodorant, but so the hell what? Just do it anyway. It’s far less stress in the long run.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Some say that Geminis are in love with the sound of their own voices. It’s not really vanity, though; you’re inflamed with ideas, not ego. However, that distinction is lost on the one who most often has to hear your endless patter. I’ll be blunt: they’re over it. Don’t flip your shit, though. They might not say it exactly this way, but they don’t want you to actually talk less so much as listen more. The distinction is an important one, and makes all the difference. You can say everything you want (and need) to say—just take breaks so other folks can speak their piece, too.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Last time I went to one of those huge drug culture parties in a massive warehouse, they were blasting bone-vibrating noisy electronic music that only robots and people out of their minds can appreciate. Needless to say, I was a bit bored. But I didn’t get all bitter and down like you did last time you found yourself someplace that just wasn’t your scene. Maybe I’m being a bit hard on you, but only because as you get older you’re becoming so conservative; sticking steadfastly to the tried and true. To stay vital and truly alive, you’ve got to keep exploring new places and situations, which means—yes—you’ll be bored or annoyed sometimes. Luckily, you’re liable to occasionally be delighted and excited, too.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Perhaps someday you’ll be able to simply download yourself into a new body when this one wears out, but not soon. See where I’m going here? You’ve got to take care of the gravity vehicle you’re riding around in now. You haven’t exactly been doing that—admit it. You’ve been eating like shit, not sleeping enough, and doing too many things that are just plain unhealthy. I’m not asking you to become a vegan Buddhist gym nut, or anything. I’m just saying: tone it down and clean it up, just a little. You know what I’m talking about. Get to it.
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