It isn’t until you are out of a relationship that you realize how much of an impact it had on changing who you are as a person. Today, I was sitting at my desk sipping on an overpriced coffee and reading old editions of my column. It has really been a wild two years, and so much has changed in my life since its inception. I was known as the girl with the train wreck love life. I had hook-ups from hell, dates that would make my mother blush, and even had a guy pee my bed. I would like to say I have grown from this girl into the woman I am today, but have I?
I find myself single again after a long, pseudo-happy relationship. I am turning 30 and already feel like my dating life is over. My 20s were, for lack of a better word, ridiculous. I traveled, I partied, I dated, I danced, and I hung out with Maury Povich. I also fell in love, built a home out of a midsized downtown apartment, had a baby (who is turning 7 this year!), and settled into an awesome career. I suppose my 20s have been a decade of discovery. Should I be happy with this or unsettled by the fact that things are so uncertain now?
So here I am, on the cusp of 30, single and living alone with a kid and a cat. How did I get here? Unlike my previous single days, I don’t have the desire to throw on a trashy outfit and get white girl wasted. Apparently, I have standards these days – when did that happen? Am I just over the dating scene? Instead of my nights being filled with smoky bars and twerking, they are now filled with home repairs and coaching my daughter’s softball team.
What has happened to me?
OK, enough with the soul-searching questions. Here is the skinny: I grew up. I am starting over again in life and I am terrified. I used to put myself out there. Lately, I find myself approaching guys with fear and trepidation. I miss parts of my previous single girl self (but certainly not all of her). That girl had a personality that was larger than life. The world was my night club, and I loved to dance on the stage. These days, I am more likely to be found cleaning up the empty cups and mopping up the spills before the floor gets sticky.
The world expects you to have yourself together by the time 30 comes around. I am at an age where I should know who I am, what qualities I need in a mate, and how to keep the backseat of my car from looking like I live in it. Unfortunately for me, my car looks lived in, my roommate is a cat, and I have no clue where to go from here.
How do I get my groove back? Maybe the world is no longer my night club, but I know in my heart that I am not ready for it to be the Home Depot either.