A freshman girl dressed as a pregnant nun at my fraternity’s Halloween party once told me that Jesus turned water into wine.
“Big deal,” I replied. “I once turned an entire student loan into a trip to Vegas, 12 bucks, and a hangover.”
We’ve all seen that person who starts to believe that they actually are who they dress up as for Halloween. What is it about the trick-or-treating season that brings out the crazy in all of us? There’s always that guy who dresses up as a woman to be “funny,” when in reality it’s how he wishes he could dress up for a night out at Rodano’s in Wilkes-Barre.
There’s always that girl who dresses as slutty as possible because it’s the only night her boyfriend won’t judge and suspect she’s really been banging his entire college lacrosse team.
Then there’s me, that person who nonsensically plays around with the paranormal, hoping for a heart-racing scare. I usually end up disappointed, with the exception of the year I played the Ouija board.
One of the bars I worked at in college was the California Young Men’s Club. Despite the name, the bar was a private club inhabited by old men who chain smoked, drank whiskey like it was ice cream on the last day of summer, and wanted a place to get away from their wives. When the one guy’s wife came in with him, I understood why.
“I needed to get out of the house,” she explained. “I was a little freaked out.”
“From what?” I asked.
She proceeded to tell me that she was cleaning her closet earlier in the day, and found the Ouija board she threw out a week ago.
“That board freaks me out!” she went on. “I bought it in the early 70s and used it once.”
“Oh, here we go!” her husband interrupted. He further explained that when they used it years ago, she started speaking in a deep voice, and relayed a message from her husband’s childhood best friend that was killed before he ever met her. Every time they throw it away, it finds its way back to their closet.
I obviously figured they were trying to get me riled up, but was more intrigued by the fact they had an original Ouija board.
“The old school Ouija boards are supposed to be the most legit. I’m jealous,” I told them.
“You want it?” asked the old man’s wife. “Next time I come in, I’ll bring it for you.”
She followed through with her word, warning me to beware of getting possessed.
After work, the other bartender and I decided to play around with it. Nothing happened.
When I went home, I found my roommates having a party. I went in the refrigerator to get my Four Loko and join the party. When I found out it was missing, I went off in a rage. Completely sober, I threw everything out of the refrigerator, all over the kitchen. I next kicked everyone out, and told my roommate in front of his entire football team that I think he has sex with his mom.
The next day, I couldn’t believe what I did.
“It must have been the Ouija board!” I thought.
Just in case, I burned it. One month later, the old man’s wife came to the bar, handing me a burned Ouija board she found in her closet. #WTF