‘Twas the night before Christmas Eve, when all through the bar,
Not a creature was sober, not even the designated driver operating the car.
The beers were ice cold, mixers served with a heavy pour,
When along came a vampire chick, who turned out to be quite the whore.
I didn’t even want to go out that night, I wanted to stay in,
But I left my phone charger at a friend’s house, so I was off to Scranton.
Coaxed into hitting up a bar on this calm night for a quick drink,
It turned out to be wilder than I ever could think.
A group of us sat at a table playing a drinking game,
I wasn’t in the mood for playing, but not participating would be lame.
I was sitting with friends, and friends of friends, and a girl my friend used to hump all through the night,
When suddenly next to me sat a pale-skinned girl who looked like she belonged in “Twilight.”
“Buy me a shot,” she demanded, with a devilish glance,
I was afraid if I said “no” she’d put a spell on me, but I was willing to take the chance.
“Please,” she begged, and then hissed like a cat,
“If you make out with me,” I said, because I thought it would make for a good Snapchat.
As my friends took my phone to film her tongue entering my mouth’s hole,
I started to panic, wondering if this “Twilight”-looking b—h now owned my soul.
After the bartender announced last call in an effervescent mood,
We decided to go head to Chick’s Diner to sober up and grab food.
The diner was more crowded than I have ever seen,
So I decided to be helpful, and started to clean.
I found a vacuum in the corner next to a cobweb and a moth,
And learned if you vacuum a table, you’ll put a hole in the tablecloth.
“Where’s that vampire chick?” someone asked when they noticed she wasn’t in sight.
“She probably had to leave,” I said, “because in here it’s too bright.”
Next thing you know, she exits the kitchen with our waitress to deliver our bacon,
Turns out she randomly walked in the back to help the chef get it movin’ and shakin’.
She must have used her vampire powers to let them not kick her out of the back,
But judging by her A cup, you’d think she’d use her powers to give herself a nice rack.
“That vampire girl just blew my whistle in the back seat,” my friend said at the end of the night,
As we stood in the snow on Christmas Eve watching a vampire that we’ll never forget drive out of sight…