Jack Bauer may have dealt with his share of bombs on “24,” but where do Irish car bombs rank on his scale of difficulty? Could he handle these delicious drinks, no matter how many came his way, over a period of 48 hours?
That’s the challenge those in the vicinity of NEPA this week will face, as the back-to-back parades are nigh, bringing with them two days worth of drinking, music, and partying from Scranton to Wilkes-Barre and everywhere in between. Unlike Jack, you don’t have to take on this assignment alone, but you can still act like a loose cannon to get the job done.
Your mission, fair Irishmen and women (or those pretending to be) is to make it the full 48 hours, merrily celebrating all the way. We’ve laid the groundwork for you – do you think you’re up to the task?
Editor’s note: No, we don’t actually expect anyone to do everything listed on this timeline, as only Jack Bauer’s patriotic liver could probably handle such abuse, so bring a designated driver and please drink responsibly!
FRIDAY, MARCH 14
So maybe this one is a tad early, but who says you can’t kick things off the night before the parade weekend commences? If you’re a really brave soul, you can begin the celebration on Friday at the Weekender Beer Lovers Night Out, hosted by our “Girl Talk” columnist Melissa Hughes at Breaker Brewing Company (787 E. Northampton St., Wilkes-Barre Township) on March 14 from 6 to 9 p.m.
From there, you still have time to catch Beyond Fallen, ViceGrip, and Threatpoint at the V-Spot (906 Providence Road, Scranton) and start parade day the metal way with headbanging long into the night.
SATURDAY, MARCH 15
It’s always cool when you can take a day of frivolity and turn it into a way to raise funds for a good cause. The Gentleman’s League of Extraordinary Mustaches (or GLEM) holds its annual St. Patty’s Day Stache Bash fundraiser at POSH at the Scranton Club (404 N. Washington Ave., Scranton) from 9:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. All proceeds benefit the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.
It’s a Parade Day tradition in Scranton, set in one of the most beautiful buildings in the city. Many kick off Saturday morning with mass at St. Peter’s Cathedral (315 Wyoming Ave, Scranton).
If you’re feeling ambitious, you may want to run the Brian P. Kelly Memorial, a two-mile footrace. Registration on the day of the race will be from 9 a.m. to 10:30 a.m. at the Lackawanna College Student Union Center (600 Jefferson Ave., Scranton).
The moment everyone waits for – the Scranton St. Patrick’s Day Parade starts rolling through town just before noon.
So maybe you’re an hour behind the party, but who doesn’t like being fashionably late? The Scranton Cultural Center (420 N. Washington Ave., Scranton) holds its St. Patrick’s Parade Day Party with Old Friends Celtic Band from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m., with free admission. A cash bar and light fare will be available for purchase.
Not enough music? Fine, then go check out Indigo Moon Brass Band playing at The Bog (341 Adams Ave., Scranton) until 2 p.m.
Nowhere Slow is at the Trax Platform Lounge (700 Lackawanna Ave., Scranton) all day during the 8th Annual ShamRockFest starting now. VIP passes with all kinds of benefits are available for $50.
It’s only $5 to get into The V-Spot (906 Providence Road, Scranton), and DJ Huff will be there spinning to keep you going throughout the entire day.
Check out Graces Downfall at Mulligan’s Sports and Spirits (591 Linden St., Scranton), where they will play again at 6 p.m. There’s a $10 cover charge to get in.
Now is the time to hit up a street vendor and buy $50 worth of tacky Irish-themed hats, sunglasses, balloons, etc. Then, in two hours and who knows how many beers, you can sit and wonder where that $50 went.
Flaxy Morgan hits the stage at Kildare’s Irish Pub (119 Jefferson Ave., Scranton) until 10 p.m. If you’re up to braving the cold, Jigsaw Johnny will play outside at Kildare’s from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m.
Did you eat dinner yet? You should. We don’t care how sick you might feel. Take advantage of some of Scranton’s great food trucks.
Stop at the Mall at Steamtown. Buy anything to help keep them in business.
If you’ve found yourself back down Wilkes-Barre way (or have someone sober and capable of driving you down Interstate 81), you can take in a Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins hockey game, as they play the Norfolk Admirals.
OPEN. YOUR. EYES.
Head on over to Thirst T’s Bar & Grill (120 Lincoln St., Olyphant) to check out Jigsaw Johnny, Jackson Vee, and Wiggy or visit the Market Street Bar & Grill (223 W. Market St., Scranton) to see Mike Baresse of Destination West.
Congrats! If you started at the beginning of this timeline, you are now 12 hours into celebrating. Continue to do so at Rox 52 Bar and Grill (52 E. Main St., Plymouth) for the St. Patrick’s Bash with the Diamond City Trio.
Forego the Irish music for a bit of country with the Tommy Guns Band at the Honky Tonk (763 E. Drinker St., Dunmore) or rock out with Ashley’s Attik at the New Penny (1827 N. Main Ave., Scranton).
The party’s not stopping with some of the area’s best DJs until 2 a.m. with Sektor One’s “Got Luck?” dance party, held at The Other Side (119 S. Main St., Wilkes-Barre).
SUNDAY, MARCH 16
MiZ will be in full swing playing Bob Dylan’s “Blood on the Tracks” at the River Street Jazz Cafe (667 N. River St., Plains Township), so you might want to close out your night with that.
Dude, staring at the Domino’s Tracker is not going to make your pizza come any faster.
Trust us when we say that if you’re still awake, you should chug water, down some Tylenol, or even use Pedialyte. We know it sounds silly, but many have said that the child dehydration medicine works wonders on hangovers.
Go to bed.
If you’ve managed to stumble out of bed and are feeling great, go run The Renal Race 3, which kicks off in the Square. All proceeds from the race go to the Kidney Cancer Association. Registration begins at 7 a.m.
If you haven’t already, get out of bed. You’re disappointing us. The Factory: Underground (105 N. Main St., Wilkes-Barre) has music running all day, with no cover until 2 p.m.
Pop on over to Rodano’s (53 Public Square, Wilkes-Barre) pre-parade for some good grub to start the day.
There’s no cooler feeling than having your eardrums blasted by the sounds of a legit pipe and drum band, and the Wyoming Valley Pipe and Drum Band will be on hand at Joe K’s Brewhouse (41 S. Main St., Wilkes-Barre) to do just that.
Ostrich Hat is ready to pack the house at Bottlenecks (3 S. Main St., Wilkes-Barre).
Look! Another parade! Go try to catch some candy along the Wilkes-Barre St. Patrick’s Parade route, which starts moving now.
Food break! If you’re milling about the Public Square area, you should stop and get a gyro at King of Kings to fuel the next bout of drinking.
Buy another $50 worth of tacky Irish-themed junk, then recall immediately after that you bought the same items yesterday from the same guy.
Clean your act up and head to the Frederick Stegmaier Mansion (304 S. Franklin St., Wilkes-Barre), where they’re serving up an old-fashioned corned beef and cabbage supper.
Stop at R/C Wilkes-Barre Movies 14 (24 E. Northampton St., Wilkes-Barre) to see “Need For Speed” and use that time to sleep because you’ve already seen every “Fast & Furious” movie.
The Wyoming Valley Pipe and Drum Band are playing again, this time at CrisNics Irish Pub (189 Barney St., Wilkes-Barre).
The Woodlands (1073 Hwy. 315, Wilkes-Barre) has your drinking needs covered with the 90 Proof Happy Hour in Crescenzo’s, with no cover. There are specials on mixed drinks, pony bottles, Long Island Iced Teas, and even food to get your through.
Celebrate the fact that you’re doing really well by hitting up Senunas’ Bar and Grill (133 N. Main St., Wilkes-Barre), a place that’s sure to have a raucous crowd.
Craft beer lover? Beer lover in general? You can’t beat the selection at Beer Boys (176 N. Washington St., Wilkes-Barre).
Take this last hour to enjoy more libations at Avanti’s (111 N. Main St., Wilkes-Barre), a great stopping point amidst all the Irish downtown action.
LOOK AT YOU. You aren’t going into work tomorrow, are you? It’s OK, champ. Now shut your eyes and get some rest.
MONDAY, MARCH 17
Open your eyes and revel in the fact that, 48 hours later, you’re still kickin’. Immediately start planning for next year.