1987 gave us many things. The world was rocking to the new sound of something called Guns N’ Roses, greed was deemed good (how’d that work out for all of you?) and we learned that a woman scorned is nothing to snicker about. Glenn Close gave legions of jilted women a visual account of their darkest fantasies, as she reminded Michael Douglas that you should pick your sexual endeavors more carefully. And if you’re married, you should not be “picking” them at all. This week’s journey is the latest interpretation of that plot line, and it is called “Obsessed.”
What do you get when you put a successful, charming, handsome assets broker named Derek, portrayed by Idris Elba, in the same office with an efficient, witty, attractive temp named Lisa, portrayed by Ali Larter? You get the foundation of “Obsessed.” Of course, you have to throw in Derek’s wife Sharon, portrayed by Beyonce Knowles, to finalize this mathematical plot formula. Sharon, of course, is confident, attractive, and just happens to be Derek’s ex-secretary. Add this all together, divide by the $8 ticket price, carry the one, and you are left with easily one of the worst films I have ever had the terrible misfortune to sit through.
From the opening credits, the film plays like a poor Lifetime movie. Director Steve Shill has been behind the lens for seemingly every television series ever created. He has directed episodes of everything from “Law and Order” to “The Sopranos.” Yet despite this impressively lengthy resume on television, he must have aspired to dabble on the larger screen. I can respect a person for that. You want to test your boundaries and see how your skills match up. Now Mr. Shill, you have taken your chance, and I would like to implore you to return quietly to TV, but only if you promise us you won’t make this mistake ever again. The film’s dialogue seemed to pay homage to every poorly written screenplay that ever existed. If the film’s goal was to say “kudos” to every sophomoric attempt at storytelling, we could say “congratulations.” But alas, this film was taking itself seriously, and that only served to send it spiraling ever further into the bottomless chasm that is horrible film.
Rounding out this triple threat was a cast conceived of in a fever stricken dream — a horrible, never-ending dream. Elba does his absolute best to give some credence to the flick. Unfortunately, I feel the only reason he appears marginally passable as an actor is due to the fact that he is surrounded by such ineptitude that several of the potted plants, and even the film’s infant actor, surpass his costars’ ham-handed attempts. Larter brings what she knows to the table. Those of you that have caught her abilities in “Heroes” will easily recognize her playing both of her roles at the same time. Suffice to say that she lacks any real ability to branch out. Then, there is the Beyonce variable.
Again, I applaud anyone’s attempt to test their limits. But you only get a pass once! Jamie Foxx can sing, dance, tell jokes, weld your cast iron stove, crochet, act and bake bread. Beyonce can sing. That’s it. I know that the industry really wants to run with these crossover stars (used oh so loosely), but enough is enough already. The girl is painful to watch on screen. She couldn’t be more obvious if she stared into the camera (we learned nothing from Austin Power’s “Goldmember”). I would like to draft a memo to these entertainers and their respective agents. Beyonce, Dane Cook, Billy Bob Thornton and Paris Hilton: Stick with your true talent (singer, comedian, actor and harlot). Actually, Cook should just stop all together. Go home, dude, consider it a freebie.
Without beating this particular pony to a furry pulp, the flick is laughable. I would not even give it a straight-to-DVD release; sometime around 3 a.m. on Lifetime fits. Now I realize it opened at No. 1, but that does not diminish the fact that you really, really should see anything rather than this flick.
Rating: 1/2
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