Usually the involvement of Dennis Quaid and Paul Bettany as cast members of a film would stir up a fair amount of initial interest. If you throw in Charles S. Dutton and Tyrese Gibson, you have to feel that chances are you will at least be entertained. We can all assume this was the line of thinking used by the honchos responsible while they were busy with the casting process for “Legion.” At least we can hope it was.
The Archangel Michael (Paul Bettany) has been given an order by God. Confused, the general of heaven’s armies opts to go against his master’s wishes by trying to save that which has been earmarked for destruction: mankind. So after fleeing heaven, Michael raids a conveniently located Los Angeles weapons cache and heads off to save mankind.
“Legion” has many convenient plot twists throughout. It also proudly displays editing commiserate with the skills of the average sixth grader utilizing software available on his home computer.
Michael heads off into the desert and the desolate truck stop owned by Bob Hanson (Quaid). It is in this wasteland that a hardnosed waitress named Charlie (Adrianne Palicki) is expecting a child, and an unsuspecting group of diner employees and customers are about to have their world turned upside down. Charlie’s child is mankind’s only hope for survival. The child must live, and Michael is going to see that this happens. So after arming the assortment of customers and staff from his trunk brimming with automatic weaponry, Michael and his comrades face wave after wave of possessed humans all seeking to terminate Charlie and her child.
At no point during the onslaught is there a moment of genuine suspense. It is Action 101 at its finest. Even the arrival of the angel Gabriel (Kevin Durand) only serves to further muddy the waters. We are supposed to see this as a special conflict for Michael, but the plot’s tank-sized holes will not allow it. Why is Gabriel susceptible to gunfire? Why don’t the possessed masses rush the diner? Why isn’t the entire army of heaven sent to decimate the diner and its occupants? And perhaps most important of all, how does one go about obtaining a refund after paying to watch a film this pathetic?
It is obvious from the onset that the stars of this disaster either were promised work on projects dear to their hearts, owed someone a favor or were the victims of blackmail involving photos of the actor and livestock in compromising positions. One cannot be sure why, but perhaps if we look from the right perspective there is a silver lining to this particularly fragrant cloud. For centuries, man has committed countless atrocities, wars and purges all in the name of their particular god or belief. Perhaps “Legion” is the answer to all of this needless suffering. For you see, this film can be a useful tool in solving the religious dilemma. Finally there is a common shared point for the beginning of an honest conversation between belief systems. That shared common ground being the simplest and most obvious of all: There can be no caring God in a world that would allow a film like this to exist. So, hey “Legion,” thanks for that!
Rating: W
