2,012 (or so) reasons this sucks

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Regardless of what people may say about him, director Roland Emmerich provides an important role in our society. Without him we would have to imagine what Steven Spielberg’s films would be like if he slipped on a patch of ice and smashed his head on a curb. But thanks to Emmerich’s existence, we don’t have to imagine. All we have to do is pay $10 and watch him drape the silver screen with excessive CGI, blithe idiocy and a searing contempt for national landmarks (seriously, what’s the deal with “2012”? Is it a sci-fi thriller or a porn film for Islamic terrorists?). Like all of Emmerich’s previous epics, “2012” is a very stupid film. Not “Transformers 2” robot-heaven stupid, but John Cusack-outrunning-the-apocalypse in a limo stupid, and that’s stupid enough.

Three years from now, the world as we know it will come to an end. The causes will be a combination of Mayan prophecy, solar flares, earthquakes and, oh, let’s say, killer bees and C.H.U.D.s. Much like the movie “2012,” there is not a single thing we can do to stop this. We can only sit back and gawk numbly at the digital explosions. Luckily, a select few brave citizens have snapped out their stupor long enough to fight back. Such as President Danny Glover, who always looks as if he was violently roused from a nap three seconds before he was pushed in front of a camera, corrupt and faintly evil politico Oliver Platt, whose eventual fate is so obvious they should’ve cut the pretense and had a vulture circle him every time he appears on screen, a Russian guy who always sounds like he’s trying to talk through a yawn and, of course, failed author Cusack, who not only must reconcile with his perpetually dewy-eyed wife (Amanda Peet) but also protect his estranged family from the solar Mayan calendar flares or whatever. Who cares?

Who elected the Mayans as the presidents of science anyway? What exactly makes these people the experts in end-of-the-world prophecy (or anyone else, for that matter)? Didn’t they used to play soccer with severed heads? Of course, you might say, “Why can’t you suspend your disbelief”? One can try, but you can only suspend your disbelief for so long before it slips from your fingers and tumbles into bullshit canyon. It’s not that it’s hard to believe that Cusack could outrun the apocalypse in a limo, it’s just that it’s hard to believe that as he’s outrunning the apocalypse there’s only one other car on the road. During rush hour. In L.A.

Surprisingly, this isn’t even the most ridiculous moment of “2012.” That honor is shared by the scene where a number of giraffes and elephants are shown dangling from an army of helicopters and the cameo appearance from one of the least convincing Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonators ever to appear on film (yes, even less convincing than the nude Schwarz imposter found in “Terminator: Salvation”). “2012” is an overblown, poorly edited mess, and with a running time of nearly three hours, you get the feeling that the actual apocalypse would take less time and wouldn’t be as boring or predictable.

Rating: W