WILKES-BARRE — During the annual Thanksgiving feast season, Fantasy Football fanatics should give thanks that they did not choose any turkeys to grace their 2015 rosters.
But who among us is so lucky.
I chose Andrew Luck, perhaps the biggest turkey of all. As I waited to select at ninth on draft day in the Neighborhood Franchise Football League, I couldn’t wait to gobble up Luck. He was going to lead my team to the promised land of NFFL supremacy.
Instead, Luck has been anything but a points producer. He is so bad. I was ecstatic when I heard he might be out for the year. I jumped at Derek Carr of the Raiders, who has proceeded to play like a turkey since I selected him.
I’m still in the running in the NFFL, but it will take a miracle for me to win the title.
Speaking of turkeys, I have Eddie Lacy at running back. Lacy looks like he swallowed a 30-pound turkey. But he got 100 yards last week, even though he didn’t score.
LeSean McCoy is my other RB and has performed decently while battling injuries. I can’t call him a turkey, but he is not a stellar performer either.
At wide receiver I have Larry Fitzgerald and DeAndre Hopkins. Fitzgerald has caught many passes, but for few touchdowns. Hopkins, on the other hand, is remarkable. I can’t take much credit for this pick because I really didn’t know much about him. I am glad I noticed him and chose him. But I won’t brag.
Travis Kelce is my tight end. He’s had one good game. He is definitely a turkey. Off with his head!
Stephen Gostkowski is my kicker. He has been my kicker just about every year. I’ve never met him, but I would like to shake his hand. He has been an integral part of the Patriots’ success for years. I like him a lot. No turkey here.
Down in Plymouth in “The Colonel’s” league, I manage a team of turkeys. Matt Ryan and Philip Rivers at quarterback start the turkey parade. I got rid of Ryan. I picked up Tony Romo off the injured list. I hope Romo puts up some numbers because I also have Dez Bryant.
My running backs are Jeremy Hill and Justin Forsett. Forsett broke his arm — or was it a turkey wing? He’s out for the year. But I have to find a replacement from a free agent list of turkeys.
My receivers are Bryant, Emmanuel Sanders and Brandon Marshal. Sanders is like a turkey — he has wings, but can’t fly too far. Marshal has been magnificent.
At tight end I have Antonio Gates, who might just be the grand marshal of the Turkey Day Parade. He should have stayed on the suspended list. And now he and Rivers are feuding. It can’t get much worse for this team.
But it does. My kicker is Justin Tucker of Baltimore. He hasn’t performed well. Must be those turkey legs.
And in our newsroom league, I managed to remain tied for first place in my division. Thanks mostly to one Tom Brady. And a guy named Todd Gurley at running back. At wide receiver, I have Bryant and Calvin Johnson. On my roster I have Travis Benjamin, DeSean Jackson, Stevie Johnson, Brandon LaFell and Victor Cruz, speaking of turkeys.
At tight end I have, perhaps, the king of the turkey farm — Jimmy Graham. Talk about a zero year?
Gostkowski is my kicker, with Brandon McManus in reserve. My running back reserves are fresh off the turkey farm — Alfred Blue, Matt Jones and Isaiah Crowell.
So be thankful if you have managed to keep your rosters turkey-free. I have gathered an entire flock of turkeys for mine.
Guess that’s why I’m doing so bad.
But as bad as my teams and players have performed, the best turkeys around have been the franchise owners in all three leagues.
In each league, we have a collection of owners who enjoy Fantasy Football and who are as bad at it as everybody else. But they have fun. They don’t take it too seriously, well, except for a couple of guys.
So good luck down the stretch. May your rosters be stuffed with players who don’t consume too much turkey with all that tryptophan.
I sincerely hope you all had a Fantasy Football turkey-free Happy Thanksgiving!
Reach Bill O’Boyle at 570-991-6118 or on Twitter @TLBillOBoyle.