My friend Xavier had finally gotten off probation, so we wanted to celebrate outside of the Pennsylvania border. We decided to get crazy for one night in Brooklyn. What was supposed to be a night of getting turnt up at a hipster bar, just like Max and Caroline would on “2 Broke Girls,” turned into partying in the same clothes for the entire weekend. Sorry, Mom and Dad.
We left on a Friday. I came home from work, hopped in the shower and started to get ready for the adventure. It’s always an adventure with Xavier. We met two years ago when he would come to the bar I managed. He looks like an innocent Mama’s boy straight out of a J.Crew catalogue, but has a devilish side to him that most people can’t predict or handle. Needless to say, we hit it off.
We’ll often go to cities we’ve never been, pretend to be people we never were and plan on staying with people we never met yet. Last year, in Philly, we pretended to be two teachers from Maine who made a stop for the night while on a road trip to Miami during a teacher’s strike. “F — the union,” we screamed. “We’re not picketing. We’re going to the beach.” Since drunk people in the city of Brotherly Love seemed to love teachers, we didn’t have to pay for one drink that night. We woke up in a car garage the next morning and laughed about it the entire drive home. Most people can’t hang like that. It’s insane. But it’s harmless fun.
So, when Xavier said his friend, Miss Cute in Scranton but Underwhelming in the Real World, wanted to come to Brooklyn with us, I wasn’t too thrilled. I didn’t think she’d be able to handle it.
“She’ll be fun,” Xavier promised.
I highly doubted him. I always got bad vibes from Miss Cute in Scranton but Underwhelming in the Real World. She lives a Sherman Hills lifestyle at Glenmaura. I didn’t want her to come, but I didn’t want her to ruin my night, either. I was about to get crazy in Brooklyn and nobody was going to ruin that for me — or so I thought.
“Did you hear about Miley Cryus’ VMA after party?” asked my mom as I was rushing out the door. “Maria Menounos told all about it on E! News. People at the party were bobbing for penis dildo’s. She’s crazy,” she said.
“Penis dildo’s?” I asked. What other kind of dildo’s are there?”
Then I ran out the door, while recording a memo in my phone. “Note to self,” the memo said. “One day, pitch a TV show where older people deliver entertainment news. It’s funny.” Then I realized Lara Spencer already does that on “Good Morning America” and deleted the memo.
I arrived to Xavier’s house, where he was waiting for me in Miss Cute in Scranton but Underwhelming in the Real World’s car. “She’ll drive,” he said.
We went to Brooklyn and partied harder than someone who died at a music festival.
Xavier woke up in Manhattan. I woke up in the Bronx. And Miss Hot in Scranton but Underwhelming in the Real World woke up and left our asses in New York.
“That was definitely a party fowl on her part,” Xavier said when we met up in Times Square late Saturday morning.
“Party fowl? She left us in another state for no reason. My wallet is in her purse. My phone charger is in her car. She’s a dirtbag,” I said.
The bus ride home cost $51 and I only had 20 bucks on hand. Xavier wouldn’t even front me the money so I could get home. He left without me. I was stranded in New York City with a phone that was about to die and 20 bucks on me.
Thanks to a nurse I met on Tinder, I found company, a phone charger and a kind heart who bought me drinks. Thanks to a Facebook status I posted, a friend, Adam Beers, drove to New York City to pick me. He didn’t get there until 2:30 a.m. Thankfully the bars were open until 4 a.m. there. Me and Adam Beers spent the rest of the night at an Irish Pub in Hell’s Kitchen where the entire bar sang Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” in unison.
At 9 a.m. on Sunday, me and Adam Beers woke up in his car in a parking garage in Times Square. It was insane. But it was harmless fun.
“Am I suppose to take something away from this weekend, other than the fact that Acqua di Gio cologne is responsible for me not smelling right now?” I asked.
“You’re a survivor,” Adam Beers said. “Who else could survive a weekend in New York City without a change of clothes or a wallet — and manage to make friends?”
Then we laughed, because every time you are able to find some humor in a difficult situation, you win.
Reach Justin Adam Brown at 570-991-6652 and follow him on Instagram @justinadambrown