Two weeks ago, one of my best friends from college got married. Thanks to an open bar, the night ended with me sneaking into the hotel’s kitchen where I ate cold chopped bacon and huffed three bottles of whipped cream. All in all, it was a weekend of good, clean fun with some of my favorite people from my glory days. The only drama associated with the wedding was when I went to buy something to wear to it.
Fully intending to dress to impress, I ventured off to the mall to find the perfect shirt and tie for the special occasion.
After more than an hour of mixing and matching everything the store had, I finally found a winner. Then, right as I was pulling down my pants to change and leave, someone pounded on the fitting room door.
“Excuse me, sir!” they shouted. “I need you to open this door immediately! I don’t care if you’re dressed or not.”
I opened the door, petrified and stunned, hunched over with my pants to my knees, to find the sales associate standing there with a mall cop! The bitch was accusing me of trying to shoplift because I was taking too long in the dressing room. That’s what dressing rooms are for, though, to try on clothes!
How embarrassing! I would never shoplift … unless you consider lying about being a mall employee for a discount on your Auntie’s Anne’s pretzel shoplifting.
Since the sales associate was as fat as Ricki Lake was before she lost all that weight so she could get a talk show, you would think she would have sympathy for someone having difficulty in a dressing room. What was her hurry for me to leave anyway? Was I delaying her from going home and eating her way into a diabetic coma?
After I left, I walked past the store twice, flipping off the sales associate with thumb and all. Her jaw dropped, probably for the first time without a Snickers entering it.
Sorry, Mom and Dad, for flipping off the girl who called a mall cop on me, even though I’m 25. But hey, my student-loan debt collector told me 25 is the new 21, so I’m just going to roll with that …
TV Guide wasn’t kidding when it called Justin Brown a real-life Van Wilder for skipping school to be on a reality show in Japan. He now shares his wildest adventures and life lessons while saying “Sorry, Mom & Dad…”
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