Let me start out by saying that I religiously read In Touch magazine — it’s a guilty pleasure, and I will not apologize for it, so kindly move on to the rest of the blog, please and thank you.

I’ve never had a problem making a gift wish list for the holidays. Hell, I revel in it. On this year’s wish list, I would like certain “celebrities” to cease and desist.

(Note: You will not find Tyra Banks or Heidi and Spencer Pratt on this list because I think the entire world would like them to fade into oblivion.)

Jon, Kate and their entire 8

Need I say more?

Lindsay Lohan

While I certainly do not wish ill on anyone ever, Lindsay needs to either overdose or move to a trailer park. You decide, LiLo. And stop wearing leggings.

Katy Perry

Her voice is horrid, but she gets mad props for her ’50s-era style.

Dave Mustaine

Dear Dave, You left Metallica in 1983 and went on to have reasonable success with Megadeth. While I pretty much dislike Metallica (mostly thanks to a hatred of drummer Lars Ulrich), you seriously need to stop talking/bitching/whining about how you were fired from Metallica — in 1983. It’s time to move on. Really, it is. Have a lovely day! Sincerely, your friend in metal, Nikki.

Anvil, and the stupid story of

I think there’s a reason no one cared about this band from 1973-2008: It stinks. It stinks the way garbage stinks on a hot day. Just look at this photo. Further discussion is not needed.

Bret Michaels

Oh, Bret. I’m so disappointed. There you were looking for “love” on a reality show like a common skank while I’ve been here the whole time madly in love with you since I was 10. Now, 22 years later, I’m over you. I will always love Poison and your blue eyes, but I wouldn’t touch you with a 39-and-a-half foot pole. Here’s to what might have been, guess every rose does have a thorn.

Suri, Tom and maybe Katie depending on my mood

I’ve always despised Tom Cruise, but now I’ve added Suri to the list. Katie Holmes I’m still on the fence about because I feel bad for her, with her sad, sunken eyes whenever she’s in her crazy-as-a-loon husband’s presence. But she made her million dollar bed, so I guess she should lie in it. Oh Joey, what have you become?

AnnaLynn McCord

Every once in a while, someone comes along whose face just makes me itch. Past recipients of this title include Ashlee Simpson, Beverley Mitchell and the entire cast of “The View.” AnnaLynn takes the cake, though. She looks like pure evil, like she’s not even human. She should be on “V” or something, instead of “90210.” Just sayin’.

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. It always makes my fangs tingle something fierce, so in honor of Saturday, I present you with this creepy classic.

Hope your All Hallow’s Eve is a graveyard smash!


 

This is just about one of the most ridiculous things I have ever seen, and I have no one but Weekender Editor Mike Lello to thank, as usual, when it comes to nonsensical YouTube content.

Without further ado, heeeere’s Jackson Browne and Clarence Clemons from the E Street Band — with a dash of Daryl Hannah thrown in for an extra dose of lameness.


 

One of the best things about my recent vacation wasn’t just a full week without work and responsibility. While that was lovely, as was the copious amounts of food and beverage I consumed, one thing I was most appreciative of was the fact that I did not have to drive.

For seven days, my brother drove me around like I was Miss Daisy, and I reveled in it. I fully believe I belong with a chauffer.

It’s not that I’m not a good driver or that I’m afraid of driving. I adore driving around in the Bitch Pod (the nickname of my hatchback). I’m a very good driver, or rather, I’m a very good aggressive driver. I’m impatient behind the wheel. Is it so wrong that I just want to get from Point A to Point B in as timely a fashion as I can?

I absolutely loathe driving on Interstate 81, even before all the construction garbage began. I’ve driven quite a bit of it and think the stretch of the interstate from Hazleton to past Scranton is full of the most ridiculous, incompetent drivers in America.

Let me give you just one example of the thousands I have. Yesterday, I drove to Scranton to do a story, and as I made my way down the on-ramp, a slow-moving jalopy was in front of me. Before I could slide over into the passing lane, said jalopy got into the lane and stayed in front of me all the way to the Moosic exit.

Going about 45 mph.

In the passing lane.

On Interstate 81.

Unacceptable.

What is wrong with people? The passing lane is for just that: Passing. Meaning, you get in the lane to pass slow-moving vehicles and then get back over into the right lane. It’s not there for you to do 45 mph and piss off everyone behind you.

Even if I stay in the passing lane for most of my journey, I’m always aware of people behind me. If they are coming up on me super fast, I am getting out of their way. Just be a courteous driver, friends.

And kindly get the hell out of the way.

P.S. I am accepting applications for chauffer duties. It doesn’t pay, but I’m a very good backseat driver.



 

I’ve always hated the term “Christmas in July.” I don’t know why, I just do.

Maybe it’s because I don’t want to think about Christmas while we are in July.

I don’t want to remember the snow that usually comes that time of year, which in turn makes me think of my astronomical heating bill.

I don’t want to think about the Christmas music local radio stations will probably begin playing in August this year

And so on.

Another thing I don’t like is the comic strip “Peanuts,” for reasons I explain here.

But here I am with this bitchin’ Video of the Week that marries Christmas (in July) and Charlie Brown and his pals. It’s seamless and I offer it to you as an early Christmas gift.

Ho. Ho. Ho.


 

About the Author

Nikki M. Mascali interned at the Weekender in 2005 and is proud to have been the paper’s oldest intern. She became the staff writer/designer in 2006 while still obtaining her journalism degree from Luzerne County Community College, which she received in 2007.

Nikki has written about a variety of topics, from a local dominatrix to Larry the Cable to Soulja Boy, Slash and Shinedown — and everything in between. She represents the “she” view for the “He Said/She Said” with Eric Petersen of Froggy 101.3 in the paper and on air at 5 p.m. every other Wednesday. She also attends the monthly KRZ Spotlight Lounge for photographs and exclusive interviews with artists like Plain White T’s, Matt Nathanson and Hinder. See her every Monday on the Weekender homepage in the Weekly Dose video with Editor Michael Lello.

Nikki has a never-ending love for Twitter (follow her at www.twitter.com/nikkimm33), Steve McQueen and Gerard Butler movies, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” and eating, hence the reason she’s our food writer. She thanks you for reading her blog because she’s that kind of girl.

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