First Posted: 4/30/2013
When I was in college, Oprah had a film crew document a woman getting pampered for the day at the Red Lobster I waited tables at for beer money. I witnessed the effect of Oprah cause a s—t show as management made two waitresses cry for telling them they were too ugly for TV. As someone who frequently created havoc at Red Lobster, I had an “A-ha!” moment, realizing I can do whatever Oprah does! Why stop at causing trouble at chain restaurants? Maybe I could have my own television show. Maybe I could have my own television network! Maybe I could have my own retired basketball player bottom for me in bed. Actually, maybe Oprah can keep that victory!
In the spirit of doing whatever Oprah can, I proudly introduce my “Favorite Things.” Ready. Set. Blow:
DUDE WIPES
‘Dude Wipes’ are a tool for the modern day bro to stay fresh whenever, wherever. These compact, single-serving cleaner-uppers were created by five 24-year-old dudes living together post-college – raging, eating Mexican, and boozing five nights a week. With a lifestyle that caused enormous dumps, they created these wipes to have a level of sanitation and freshness beyond that of which dry, fibrous, easily-punctured cotton toilet paper is capable. ‘Dude Wipes’ gently slaughter odors and remove dirt, replacing them with a masculine scent and smooth surface! I swear by them! You’ll never want to use toilet paper again! Available at dudeproducts.com.
LIP-SYNCING
Some people sing in the shower – I lipsync! Watch my karaoke video, where I’m singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” dressed in a white fur coat and football helmet, and you’ll see why I will never be a pop star (type “Daddy Dimples” on YouTube). Film yourself lip-syncing, watch it back, and you’ll see why it’s one of my favorite things!
KICKS
You’re never ready for a night out without a fresh pair of kicks! They’re a guy’s number one accessory. It’s difficult to find a pair that’ll capture everyone’s attention. That’s why I always head to Radii Footwear (radiifootwear.com) when I’m looking for the freshest look on my feet. Radii Footwear, based in Southern Cali, offers futuristic designs that always keep your foot headed fashion forward. I just ordered my fourth pair in the past month!
VEGAS
Every time I go to Vegas, it’s a crazier experience than the last. No matter how hungover or broke my trip makes me, there’s one thing I’ll never leave without doing: visiting the thrill rides on top of the Stratosphere Tower. Located 1,149 feet above the Vegas Strip, you’ll find five heart-pounding thrill rides unlike anything you’ll ever experience! Book your stay at stratospherehotel.com” and thank me later!
MAURY
Sorry, Mom and Dad, but I used to schedule my classes around the airing of “Maury,” my favorite show! I recently interviewed him before the taping of his 2500th episode. Head to theweekender.com to watch the interview and the unveiling of all my favorite things!
