SINGLE IN SCRANTON: Putting the ‘D’ in ‘D-bag’

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First Posted: 7/7/2013

Let’s face it: like it or not, douchebags (“d-bags” for short) rule the dating world.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve witnessed the proverbial hot chick with one or another species of d-bag. Oftentimes, it happens when I’m shopping—at the mall or grocery store—minding my own business, and I see it: a gorgeous, 20-something young woman will wander into my sight. All of a sudden, time stops, and I forget who I am and what I am doing. She is so attractive that her hotness will melt your face. Then, like a hammer fist to the ribs, he appears from behind: her man, the d-bag.
“How can this be?” I wonder. “How can he get with someone like her?”
The d-bag is an affront to nature, a contradiction to common sense, a virus to the health of modern society. Nevertheless, in the masculine war over who gets the girl, in the battle between the d-bag and the gentleman, the latter is losing… and losing badly.
I’ve spent years pondering this subject, and I’ve realized that the d-bag ethos is comprised of metaphysical qualities (attitude) and physical manifestations (appearance).
I want to deconstruct the douchebag, attempting to figure out what puts the “d” in “d-bag.” And, from what I can gather, the d-bag essence is made of five things.
If you want to spot a d-bag, here’s what to look for:
1. D-Bag Attire: The tilted hat. The bling. The popped collar. The most outward manifestation of douchebags, the d-bag attire is the quickest way to ID a d-bag in the wild.
2. D-Bag Hobbies: Most d-bags, while lacking any innate intelligence, tend to spend their leisure time fixing cars, drinking Guinness and watching organized sports, most notably the NFL. D-bags recoil at any sign of high culture, such as film, art and literature.
3. D-Bag Attitude: Displaying a false confidence, the d-bag relies on this faux brand of distorted masculinity to attract girls, often succeeding, despite my disbelief. The d-bag’s indifference makes him look cool, so not caring is a primary tool in the toolbag’s toolkit.
4. D-Bag Vocabulary: Words like “Bro” and “Boss” are signs that you’re in the presence of a douchebag. D-bags also use non-verbal signals—a type of d-bag sign language, if you will—relying on expressions like kissy lips and sexually-laced hand signals to spread their douchitude.
5. D-Bag Habitat: Dance clubs, car shows and sports bars are among some of the environments where the douchebag feels most at home. Free to interact with his fellow douches, the d-bag lurks in these locations, waiting to prey upon any unsuspecting hotties who may enter. If you’re a woman, be warned: enter these habitats at your own risk, for it’s the d-bag’s native territorial hunting grounds.
Douchebags, their vocabulary and habitats, attitudes and attire, are not limited to this list. So, ladies, the next time you’re enjoying your Malibu Bay Breeze at the bar, be on the lookout for d-bags, their lame pick-up lines and their insidious motives.