SORRY MOM & DAD: Prom king redemption?

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First Posted: 4/16/2013 8:47:00 AM

There are a few events that never seem to live up to expectation for me: New Year’s Eve, birthdays, and fake 1980s proms. The latter was the most recent hot mess plight in my ridiculous life.

It all started last year when I decided to spend my 26th birthday at a fake ’80s prom party in New York City.

“I want to be prom king on my birthday!” I insisted.

Throughout the entire prom I rocked out with my left Rubik’s Cube out, engaging the crowd, asking for their vote and support to make my birthday wishes come true.

However, I made out like a popular kid upstaged by the nerd that showed up with an MTV’s “MADE” crew, getting beat out by the weird Asian exchange student.

Crestfallen, I immediately went to a back-alley psychic for reassurance that my life was headed in a better direction. Instead, she told me that I needed to lose 40 pounds and that my dead grandmother was worried I was becoming an alcoholic (which was not an easy judgment to argue, as I was wearing a pink neon windbreaker two sizes too small that wreaked of bottom shelf vodka).

As time passed, I never seemed to shake off the loss of prom king. I always said that one day I would get my redemption by becoming the King of that ’80s prom, but I was afraid that if I was seen leaving my house in the most obnoxious ’80s clothes again that my family would get me tested for premature Alzheimer’s disease. However, when I recently became the new general manager of a faltering dive bar in Scranton, I realized I had the ability to throw my own ’80s prom where I could rig the votes since I was in charge!

“I’ll win my own fake ’80s prom” I told myself as I was in CVS spraying Axe body spray that I didn’t want to pay for all over my alcohol-drenched neon clothes from last year’s prom.

Later that night at the prom, I instructed my DJ to announce me as the winner, regardless of what the votes said. However, he got too tipsy to adhere to my directions.

He was so enamored with the Ted stuffed animal that my bouncer brought as his date to the prom that he announced Ted as the f—king winner!

When he saw my jaw drop, he quickly announced, “And Justin! It’s a tie!”

I couldn’t even win prom king at my own fake ’80s prom without being upstaged by a stuffed animal. WTF?! I ask for so little in life.

Even though I was tied with a stuffed animal, I finally became king of a fake ’80s prom, all because I never gave up. Thank God for that, because everyone knows if there’s one thing I hate, it’s quitters…and spitters.