SORRY MOM & DAD: Living, learning, and lip syncing

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First Posted: 4/22/2013

There I was, a grown man lying in bed wearing nothing but boxers and headphones, eyes closed, scratching my ass and lip syncing “Torn” by Natalie Imbruglia like I wrote the damn song, when my parents walked in my bedroom. I would have been less embarrassed if they caught me masturbating. I was a hot mess that morning, as my newest adventure of managing a dive bar was quickly steering from an endless party to ceaseless problems.

When I first became the manager of a faltering dive in Scranton last month, everyone hit me up on Facebook wanting to get in on the action. I figured if I worked with friends, it would help me create the laid-back atmosphere I was looking to establish; I would also know I was working with people I could trust.

“Let me clean the kitchen so you can start serving food!” asked my buddy Rocky.

The day he was scheduled to clean, he told me that he had a date with a hot girl he wanted to go on. He also mentioned that he didn’t have any money to take her. Never one to get in the way of a friend getting laid, I offered to loan him money to take his girl out if he cleaned the kitchen the next day and paid me back with the money he would earn.

The next day rolled by and he never showed. Later that night, I sent him a text asking what happened.

“I’m still on the date with her!” he replied. “I’m meeting her family right now, then she’s meeting mine!!!”

36 hours later and he was still on the date and meeting her family? It sounded more like the pilot episode of “Dharma & Greg” than a first date.

I realized he didn’t take the job seriously, figuring I would understand as his friend that he was getting it on.

“Let’s work together on having a model search at your bar!” suggested my friend LaToya Jackson, not to be confused with the Michael Jackson wannabe from “The Apprentice.” She was a photographer for a model agency, and we agreed working together on this event would help both of our businesses.

Whenever we would make plans to work together on organizing the event, LaToya Jackson would tell me that she was too busy working on something else. Once again, a friend was putting me on the back burner, figuring I would be more understanding than someone else, as I was their friend. It spiraled into the event never getting fully organized, her psycho boss getting pissed and canceling the event, and LaToya Jackson getting fired for it.

“This is all your fault!” she blamed after getting fired. “Never speak to me again!”

I learned the hard way, Mom and Dad, that it’s never a good idea to work with friends, as it is a recipe to ruin your friendship. I guess that’s why they say you live, you learn, you lip sync.