Sign Language Your Weekly Constellation Prize

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First Posted: 10/6/2014

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I’m too bored to write you a proper horoscope this week. You’re just too damn normal. Your scales are so in sync that there’s nothing for people to latch onto. Where are the extremes, the flaws, the fascinating neuroses and idiosyncrasies? You know what I’m getting at, don’t you? You and I both know that you’re not perfect, despite the faultless veneer you’ve managed to throw up between the real you and the world. Guess what? It’s intimidating and off-putting rather than interesting and attractive, as you’d hoped. Show off your humanity this week, Libra. It’s your sexiest part.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Take up ballroom dancing, perhaps, or canoeing, or karaoke duets. Anything that requires that you fall into sync with another person would be quite a good exercise for you. You get too rigidly attached to your own way of doing things; strict adherence to a self-designed schedule, routine, or method means you get a lot done but don’t give yourself many openings for something new to enter. I’m not even talking about something that will make you more efficient. Life isn’t always about getting something done in the simplest, quickest way. It can also be about having fun. Make that this week’s prime objective.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

I love the sound of breaking glass. I confess that I sometimes take too little care when washing up after a meal in hopes that a glass might slip and break—I’m almost always pleased, not upset, when that happens. Still, I’m too poor to deliberately go around breaking my stuff, just for the split-second aural thrill. It’s really a bad habit of mine, and of yours—you take too many risks with things you can’t afford to replace. Even though breaking or losing them might feel exciting or good for a moment, the consequences would be far less pleasant. At least for this week, take pains to preserve what you have.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

This week you’re a gorgon; you can turn people to stone with a glance. Venomous words and actions would be overkill when just a look can be almost lethal. The problem: being so damn powerful is quite daunting to all but the bravest, stupidest, or most foolhardy folk—most of whom are as dumb as dough and not good company. What to do? Tone down your extreme nature? Hell no. Instead, encourage fascinating folk to approach with this calm assurance: “Yes, I’m poison, but I’m the antidote, too. When you recover from me, you’ll be stronger than you ever were.”

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

My ex-boyfriend has a thousand comic voices and a brain that stores and recalls funny moments, songs, and movie quotes with skillful, appropriate, and delightful ease. His bridge between memory and the present moment is a wide avenue along which many vehicles and creatures can pass simultaneously in both directions. Your memory, conversely, lies across a narrow rope bridge. In other words, most people have some idea that an immense kingdom of diverse recollections exists over there, but they’ve only rarely heard specifics. Your story-treasures languish, unspent. Sadly, these are riches that evaporate when you don’t often use them. Being present is good; informing the moment with your vast and fascinating past is better. Expand that rope bridge so it’s wide enough to accommodate a herd of elephants, then march them across.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You fanatically avoid competition; this is one reason you’re deeply reluctant to market yourself or venture into any kind of fast-paced or high-stakes business venture. You’re an old soul, and that game has quite simply lost all interest for you. Life for you is about many interesting things, but comparing people or their works and deciding which is “better” just seems lame and unimaginative. However, most of us aren’t that enlightened. Don’t spurn us because we’re not as spiritually experienced as you are, or you’ll be guilty of the kind of comparison/competition game you’re disdaining, and be slung back, in short order, to the beginning of the zodiac, for yet another spin around the wheel.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

I confess I’m not particularly fond of most of the people who are drawn to serve in the armed forces, or become police officers. While there are those noble few who do it for admirable, idealistic reasons, too many do it because they’re arrogant, hierarchically-minded assholes who like having authority and wielding power over other people—many like it so much that they abuse it. Aries are as susceptible to this trap as any other sign, but those who escape it, and opt for power-with rather than power-over scenarios, are put in a sweet position; Many people think they can only choose between being oppressor and oppressed. You clearly have a third choice: champion for the underdog. Don that mantle this week, if possible.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Money is a screwed up thing. Its acquisition is a game you understand quite early in life and almost always become quite good at; so much so that you often rope yourself into choices that make you wealthy in funds but impoverished in some aspects of human existence that convey true richness apart from the depth of your credit: love in all forms, intimacy, inspired human connection. There’s hope for you, though; being so responsible and ambitious has caused you to cultivate many personal qualities that people find attractive and desirable. What’s left is to apply them in a new direction. Try that this week.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Sorry, I have to kick your ass on occasion; whenever I see you beating yourself up, I try to beat you to the punch, quite literally, as I’ll always do a worse job of it than you would. In other words, when you’re so busy defending yourself from me, you forget all the shit you were going to inflict on your poor tender ego. Consequently, you end up better off than you would have if I’d just left you alone. You’re always much crueler to yourself than anyone could ever be to you. Try to think of it this way when someone causes you pain (deliberately or accidentally) this week: they’re actually sparing you the misery of the far more effective self-torture you might visit upon yourself, otherwise.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You know you’ve got a problem when it’s barely mid-October and you’re already, more or less, doing the deep winter hibernation thing. Resist your hermetic tendencies by forcing yourself to go out at least three times this week, regardless of your actual mood or energy levels. Try to have fun, but even if you’re having a sullen, lousy time, keep yourself from retreating to the solitude of your apartment. If you did that, I predict you’d be pretty much lost to the world, at least until springtime. Since there are important bits planned for you before then, I’d rather you got to experience them. Pick up the phone and get dressed. It’s time to go out.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Screw the spotlight. That’s your attitude this week. You’re sick of the relentless glow of all that attention. Sadly, your best efforts to reflect and deflect it only serves to attract more notice; it’s like wearing a flashy chrome suit. You can’t fly under the radar, especially looking like that. Instead you’ve got to absorb every last photon of the glare, so there’s nothing left to report your whereabouts to onlookers. In other words, when unwanted attention comes your way this week, don’t reject it. Instead, quietly and persistently soak it up. This kind of behavior is mostly boring, and will serve to relieve you of the burden of all that popularity almost instantly.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Good. You’re surprising me, and many of those around you. The new facets of your personality that you’re unveiling are hot shit. I have to confess that some of had begun to find you more or less predictable (those more tactful folk would call it “consistent”) over the past year. Now you’re shocking the shit out of us. Don’t worry, we’re pleased, not upset; it’s one of those win-win type scenarios. Why does it feel so absolutely right? Because even though what you’re up to seems totally “out of character,” it also suits you perfectly. Keep it up.