SINGLE IN THE CITY: Douchettes decoded

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First Posted: 1/13/2014

I’ve encountered my share of douchettes over the years — young, attractive women who, through their look and attitude, transcend the normal world of decency, entering into a realm of nightmarish sexuality, oftentimes combining sexual attractiveness with a foul personality. Although a distinct species of stupid, douchettes remain a product of postmodernity and pair well with their male counterparts, douchebags.

Douchettes lack substance, decry intelligence, and embrace hedonism.

Usually aspiring models or actresses, douchettes display a false confidence, attracting impressionable horny men in by the thousands and can be found in their natural habitat: the nightclub. Survey through a douchette Facebook profile, for instance, and you will see photograph after photograph of drunken party pictures and poolside bikini shots, complimented with comments — “Hot,” “I want you,” and “Beautiful”—from lonesome, deprived men who have nothing better to do with their time.

Fake breasts and fake tans are two outward signs that you may be in the presence of a Type-1 Douchette. Worse, douchettes seem to live in a Hollywood-esque fantasy world, exploiting man’s primitive biological urge — sex — to bankroll their whole hedonistic lifestyle. Professional moochers, these women will stop at nothing to get what they want, which is usually an expensive dinner and a wardrobe that would make Imelda Marcos envious. Excessive materialism, then, helps to define the douchette.

Douchettes, moreover, remain intolerant of anything intellectual — much like douchebags — and take on some of the existential qualities of their aforementioned male counterparts; some will join the fandom of professional sports, while others will keep it strictly feminine, spending countless hours staring at themselves in front of a mirror, locked in a narcissistic gaze, sculpting themselves into a hypersexual Barbie doll. Because sex sells, these women stick to what they know best and will never deviate from it.

Finally, in order to sustain the illusion of sexual superiority, douchettes maintain as many “guy friend” faux friendships as possible, always appearing wanted, always appearing in control. I call these hordes of male friends “douchette harems.” With a phone full of male phone numbers (many of which obtained from once-off encounters at a bar), the douchette never has to spend an evening alone… and never will. She never has to stay single for very long either, as the douchette persists as a serial monogamous, usually bouncing from one relationship to another without any remorse.