I came. I saw. I roasted.

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First Posted: 12/1/2014

Most parents want to hear news of an upcoming wedding or job promotion from their 28-year old son over the Thanksgiving holiday. Instead, my mom heard dirty jokes at the expense of a wounded warrior, a state representative and a recovering drug addict on probation. Sorry, Mom and Dad.

It was the day after Thanksgiving and I was preparing to host a charity comedy roast that was raising money for the Lou Ruspi, Jr. Foundation, a non-profit organization that brings suicide prevention and mental health awareness to schools through educational presentations. I agreed to participate in the event because I am an advocate for stripping the stigma that engenders fear within people to seek help and encouraging people to speak openly about anything considered taboo. Prior to the appearance, I was warned by the roast’s organizer, Alexis Johnson, to expect a night of raunchy, adult humor.

“How about this for my opening line,” I asked my mother. “Welcome to the first ever ‘Roastin’ For A Cause’. My name is Justin Adam Brown and I am here for the same reason every other guy in this room is here… because Alexis swallows,” I continued.

“Oh my God!” my mother said.

“Hold on, there’s more,” I said. “…I’m not saying Alexis is a slut, but she does get screwed so often and so hard that my ribs hurt just thinking about it,” I added.

“Oh, boy. I couldn’t get up in front of a crowd and say that. I don’t know if you should be so dirty,” my mother suggested.

To be honest, I didn’t want to go in front of a crowd and say that, either. I didn’t want to go at all. It was the day after Thanksgiving for crying out loud. I just wanted to lay around the house in dirty underwear and mismatched socks while stuffing my face with leftovers.

I realized it would be a really dick move to be a no-show at a suicide prevention fundraiser, so I did what I always do when I need to wake up my softer side. I watched the clip of every “Dancing with the Stars” winner find out they won the mirror ball trophy on YouTube. Their excitement to have a career again always gets me a little teary-eyed.

Thanks to watching Carlton from “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” cry, I was motivated to attend and offend. I went through with calling Alexis a slut all night, as did every other person roasting that night.

“I’m sorry, I never heard of you before,” I said to state representative Marty Flynn on stage. “They tell me you’re a politician though, which probably explains this weird deja vu I am feeling that you once screwed me before. Don’t worry, I promise to remember your name. As soon as you win an important election,” I said.

Then it was time to roast a wounded warrior.

“Whose sick, twisted idea was it to roast you? I mean what can you say to a wounded warrior who lost his leg while serving his country, other than thank you — and, did you know that Alexis could probably swallow your stump whole without gagging?” I said.

The audience roared with laughter at all of my jokes and thousands of dollars were raised for a good cause.

Maybe next Thanksgiving I’ll have have a surprise announcement of an upcoming wedding or new career advancement, Mom & Dad. Until then, dirty jokes will just have to get us by.