Sign Language Your Weekly Constellation Prize

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First Posted: 12/5/2014

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

There’ll be no deus ex machina here. You won’t find a magic talisman that’ll save your ass. Nor will anyone swoop in to rescue you; in fact, those around you who might be in a position to help are more likely to kick you while you’re down. You’ve got many distant well-wishers at the moment, but no proximate helping hands. You’re on your own. Luckily, you’ve been in (and escaped from) worse scrapes than this. The only thing keeping you from pulling yourself out is the forlorn hope that someone might help you do it. Now that I’ve shattered that useless wish, you should be able to pick yourself up and move on, no problem.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You’re a magician who sucks at misdirection. You’re trying to enchant your audience by pulling colorful silk scarves from your mouth, but everyone’s too busy thinking: “Um, that person’s not wearing any pants.” You’ve actually got quite a few tricks stashed up your sleeves, but no one cares because you’ve made what’s missing all too obvious. Yeah, you’re flawed, just like everybody else. The difference is, you pay too much attention to what’s “wrong” with you. Consequently, we can’t help but do the same. Perform a bit of prestidigitation on our collective perception this week. Focus on what’s right. We will too.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You claim to always choose truth over deception. What happens when the lies are beautiful—perhaps even harmless—and the truth is slightly less enchanting? Do you encourage kids to believe in Santa Claus, for example? How does that impair your credibility later, when they figure out the deceit? This week, you’ll be faced with a choice like this: standing behind a lie that everyone wants to believe, and would, if you lent it your endorsement, or revealing the bald reality under the toupee, the man behind the curtain, the smoke and mirrors. Sadly, your options are less-than appealing: incurring anger (and respect) by shattering people’s cherished illusions, or accepting love for something that’s simply not real. Tough one; good luck.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

We inhabit the places we live in with more than just our bodies. The spaces we’re surrounded by influence our thoughts. What effects do flat surfaces, straight lines, and right angles wreak on our minds? How would we be different if everything around us was wavy, bumpy, or round? Pisces, especially, would benefit, since you are more restrained by harsh linearity than most. This week, see what you can do to make your environment less restrictive and square. Give yourself room to expand and flow. Transforming where you live and work might require extreme creativity. Luckily, that’s part of the exercise.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

There are things I like about the Christmas season: twinkling lights, the smell of pine sap, and excited children. Too bad there’s a lot of crap that comes with that I’d just as soon do without. Unfortunately, it’s all as unavoidable as the things I’ve already mentioned. You have similarly mixed feelings about someone who’s recently assumed (or offered to assume) a greater role in your life, or potentially changing circumstances. You’ve been wasting time wistfully wishing you could edit and select certain parts, and avoid others. Too bad this is a package deal; bad with the good. Take it or leave it—it’s your choice.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

A dancer was selected to manifest the glacial slowness of stone in an experimental group performance in which everyone attempted to embody different natural elements. For two months he practiced moving as slowly as he could, from a curled fetal position on the ground to simply standing, until it took him 45 minutes to complete the action. It was phenomenally difficult. You may discover something similar this week: sprinting two hundred miles in any direction (mentally, anyway) is easier than carefully and deliberately shifting your attitude two inches. In other words, it’s simpler to practically become a completely different person than to create a minor but permanent change in who you are. You don’t need an overhaul, though—just a tune-up. Take your time and do it right.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Don’t mistake comic rhetoric for accurate information. Whether you get your fake news from FOX or Jon Stewart, please realize: infotainment is no substitute for really knowing your shit. The truth is out there—these days you just have to dig a little to find it. It’s just not going to be handed to you on a silver platter. Luckily, you don’t have to shovel that deep—most of what you require can be found in your alterno-weekly and the Internet. Too many people would prefer you remain uninformed. This week, get the facts. You’ll need them.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Don’t throw dogmatism a bone. You’re way past that chapter in your life; there’s no need to welcome it back in. Those recent converts to vegetarianism, communism or Fundamentalist Christianity might need to loudly trumpet their uncompromising viewpoints while they’re still trying them on for size, but you don’t need to listen to that shit. You’ve heard it all before. Forgive them (especially if they’re too young to know better (I’m talking 15, not 35)), but don’t accommodate them. Nor is it your job to teach them about multiplicity and diversity. Eventually these enthusiasts will figure out (or they won’t) that theirs isn’t the only way. If they manage to get past judging you for being different, you can celebrate by taking them to a porn shop to spend lots of money on some hot leather underwear.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

A woman auctioned her father’s ghost on eBay. Her son was afraid to be alone in any part of the house; he claimed his recently-dead grandfather (who was mean) haunted him. Instead of trying to disprove the shade’s existence or shame her kid, she simply sold the ghost (along with her father’s cane) to the highest online bidder, who sent her son a letter, reassuring him that the ghost lived with them now, and everyone was getting along fine. Take inspiration from her example. You’re likely to discover that someone’s reality is dramatically different from yours. Instead of forcing them to conform to what you think you know, figure out a way to honor their truth—and have fun with it, too.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

A few years back I watched a Berlin-based drag king brass band performing covers of old-school reggae hits, and I had to laugh. That’s good shit; watching a bunch of white German lesbians wearing fake mustaches and singing Bob Marley’s best with goodhearted glee. They’d made a surprising choice, just as I wish you would. You could do what everyone expects you to do. You might even get paid for it. But would it really satisfy you (or anyone)? Probably not. Don’t be predictable. Don’t let people sum you up with: “She’s so reliable.” Make it, instead: “I can always rely on her to keep me guessing—and laughing.”

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You’re an injured soccer goalie trying to block the potentially winning shot delivered by the opposing team’s best player, in the final seconds of the game. The pressure’s on. Don’t freak, though. Just try your best. However, face the facts—you’re simply not likely to be able to save this one, unless you’re incredibly lucky. That’s just the way shit happens sometimes. Don’t spend the next few weeks kicking yourself (or letting anyone kick you) because you weren’t able to do the impossible. Just shrug it off and get on with life. It’s just a game, after all.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Easy come, easy go. Take a look at how people have come into your life; they’re likely to leave the same way. Oh, there are exceptions; plenty of chance encounters and love-at-first-sight testimonies prove that. But a friendship that’s built slowly over time is more likely to last than one that’s formed overnight. And if your girlfriend cheated on her last boyfriend to hook up with you, it’s pretty likely you’ll get the same treatment, sooner or later. There’s no need for suspicion—just caution. I don’t mean to say people don’t change. They do, all the time. Just don’t count on it. Or, at least, don’t count on it this week.