Mall at Steamtown to reinvent itself as sperm bank

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First Posted: 3/27/2015

SCRANTON — The Mall at Steamtown is about to go from “the place where families shop” to the place where families are made.

The once-vibrant mall is reinventing itself by becoming a sperm bank.

In a news release issued by The Mall at Steamtown’s new marketing company, Empire Innovations Inc., mall officials said: “After careful consideration, we have decided to transition our brand and cater to a demographic that is largely underrepresented. It has come to our attention that sperm doesn’t grow on trees, so we decided to help supply it for members of the community with fertility issues. Serving Northeastern Pennsylvania remains our top priority. Moving forward, we are excited to serve the community in a different way.”

It’s no secret that The Mall at Steamtown has had more newspaper headlines than shoppers lately. The faltering shopping center seems to be a revisited topic of discussion — and so are rumors of its fate. Last month, news broke that The Mall at Steamtown could become an open-air market atmosphere similar to the popular Reading Terminal Market in Philadelphia.

Now that the future of the mall has been revealed, residents of the region are speaking out.

“As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values that I hold sacred,” said Esther Vester of Scranton. “It is in that spirit that I will choose to move to the slums of Carbondale if Scranton starts selling sperm like it’s candy. That’s disgusting.”

The statement projects the shift in gears from retail to sperm-pushing will introduce upwards of 100 jobs to the area, including receptionists, laboratory specialists, nurses and live strippers to help donors release their donations.

One fertile man looking forward to the new direction for the mall is Mike Hunt of Dunmore. “I can’t find a job for nothin’,” Hunt said. “I mean, I have my GED and I picked up on some Spanish when I was locked up — but still nothin’. Nothin’, nada, no bueno. Hopefully my little swimmers will make me mad cash so I can buy a quad and take my girl to the Chipotle.”

The statement said that the new business model has been embraced by the mall’s two remaining leaseholders and that the sperm-focused future for the mall is on track for later this year.