I created the ‘Scranton Sucks’ Facebook page

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First Posted: 3/30/2015

When I was in college, a girl dressed as a pregnant nun at my fraternity’s Halloween party told me Jesus turned water into wine. “Big deal,” I replied. “I once turned a whole student loan into Natty Lite.”

I’m not saying that I’m as powerful as Jesus, but I’ve always had a talent for doing things that people don’t believe really happened. And, like Jesus, my renegade conduct has always attracted a cult-like following mixed with advocates and adversaries.

For going on five years, I’ve shared my life with readers; laughing at the wild shit I’ve done, apologizing to my parents for the shameful shit I’ve done and noting insight from the lessons I’ve learned along the way. As unreserved as I have been, there’s one thing I have kept a secret from everyone. I don’t know what the backlash will be for coming forward with this confession, but I’m ready to come clean. People need to understand why I did what I did. Not everyone will understand and that’s okay. Let the haters hate. I know what I bring to the table, so trust me, I’m not afraid to eat alone.

I’m the creator and administrator of the Scranton Sucks Facebook page. Sorry, Mom and Dad.

After high school, I spent seven years away from Northeastern Pennsylvania. I went to college. I traveled. I got arrested. I got my stomach pumped. I chased my dreams. I was a VJ for mtvU. I interned for “E! News” and “Jimmy Kimmel Live.” I traveled to Tokyo, Japan, and competed on a prime time reality show. I met people who were different from me and who educated me on different cultures and points of view.

Then I moved back with my parents to save up some money. The only problem with that strategy was that I didn’t realize how much Scranton had turned to shit. It took me eight months to find a job at a Texas Roadhouse.

It didn’t take me long to realize that Scranton sucks harder than a virgin desperately trying to keep her boyfriend from dumping her.

The longer I stayed, the harder it sucked.

Dudes here beat each other up over flat-chested girls with no ass, and chicks are considered a catch if they only have one kid before they reach their 25th birthday.

In Scranton, “Fifty Shades of Grey” is more than just an erotic sex novel, it’s the color scheme of the unkempt roads; and driving a 20-year-old rusted Honda Civic that’s lowered to the ground makes you the coolest guy your weed dealer knows.

It’s pathetic.

I didn’t understand how a metropolis with colleges like The University of Scranton, Marywood and Penn State Worthington-Scranton, who pumped out highly educated, white-collar graduates every year, wouldn’t entice more businesses to stay or bring their work here. It’s no wonder they all leave and Scranton is left with an aging population on a fixed income. And what are our elected officials doing? Raising taxes and creating new ones, all while the people that we need here most flee the area in search of jobs and a better life elsewhere.

I knew something had to be done, so I created a social media page to blast the area, hoping a little public shame would inspire the city of Scranton to get its shit together.

Nothing changed.

It only got worse.

In a little over a year, more than 12,000 people liked the page and united to share their sentiments at how badly Scranton sucks. It showed me that there are great people in Scranton who are ashamed of the area and want it to be a better place. For them, I keep the page going.

Some may argue that the Scranton Sucks Facebook page only adds shame to the area, but I think I’ve done the most positive thing for Scranton in over a century. I brought the community of a miserable town together. Maybe I should be the freakin’ mayor of Scranton.