James Franco is my spirit animal

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First Posted: 12/29/2014

I have a lot of things.

I have Facebook friends. I have LEGO bricks. I have unpaid parking tickets.

I also have a spirit animal that is cooler than yours.

My spirit animal isn’t a shark. It’s not a duck. It’s not a unicorn that can masturbate and do the Macarena at the same time.

It’s better.

My spirit animal is a man named James.

James f — king Franco.

Sorry Mom and Dad, James Franco is my spirit animal — and he’s the ultimate spirit animal to have. Here are five of the infinite reasons why:

1. He’s a literary mastermind

My spirit animal is no Shakespeare. So he didn’t write a literary treasure like “A Catcher in the Rye”, “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn” or Tucker Max’s “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” — who cares?! He did, however, pen “Palo Alto: Stories,” a fiercely vivid collection of short stories about troubled California teens and misfits. That way, when haters give you a sandwich made of peanut butter and jealous, your spirit animal knows exactly how to tear them down — like the mother in “A Child Called ‘It’” by David Pelzer. Insensitive reference, sure, but on topic with literary masterpieces, nonetheless.

2. He’s an Ivy Leaguer

On my first day as an intern at “Jimmy Kimmel Live”, a producer asked the interns what college we went to. “I go to NYU,” said one. “I attend Brown,” said the next. “I go to California University of Pennsylvania,” I followed. The producer looked puzzled. “I don’t even know what that means,” he said, almost sounding offended. Sure state schools can be fun for basement parties and good for financial aid, but you want your spirit animal to have a better education than you. That’s cool and all that your spirit animal is a wolf, symbolizing sharp intelligence, an appetite for freedom and expression of strong instincts, but what college did he attend? James Franco has his master’s degree in creative writing from Columbia. Booyah!

3. He owns his truth. He owns his truth

How can you hate someone who owns their truth? When Franco met a 17-year old tourist from Scotland outside of his Broadway show “Of Mice and Men” earlier this year, and started hitting on her, screen shots of their conversation eventually went viral. Instead of denying that it happened, he went on “LIVE! with Kelly and Michael” where he admitted: “I used bad judgement and I learned my lesson.” He told the truth and people respected it. Maybe you should take a note, Bill Cosby.

4. He drove in a tank with Kim Jung-un while singing “Firework” by Katy Perry

Sure, it was in a movie, but that movie was “The Interview” — one of, if not the, most controversial movies of all time.

5. Spontaneous is his middle name

Actually, his middle name is Edward, but it might as well be Spontaneous. One minute he’s getting his degree, another minute he’s getting nominated for an Oscar and the next he’s hosting the Oscars. It’s not unusual for James Franco to just say, “Hey! I’m going to film a stint on a daytime soap opera” either, as noticed during his 2009 and 2010 guest appearances on “General Hospital.” You never know what he’s going to do next — but what more could you ask for from a spirit animal?