Sign Language Your Weekly Constellation Prize

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First Posted: 3/9/2015

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

I guess you’re lucky you haven’t yet figured out how to exactly manifest your latest whimsical dream job, or you’d be stuck in a position as an Advanced Pillow Tester and Inspector, in which you’d scrutinize cushions for plumpness, throwing heft, bite-resistance, and tumble-braking. In other words, the kind of job that’d be fun for about a day; once the novelty wore off, it’d be about as tedious as it gets. Along with an increased ability to make all your wishes happen comes responsibility; until your fantasies are really in line with what you want and need in the long-term and not just the moment, you won’t consistently be able to make them come true.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Stop begging at the dinner table like the family dog. Sitting and staring longingly at what you want so badly won’t get it for you; table scraps are strictly forbidden in the house you live in. However, that doesn’t mean that what you desire is absolutely out of reach; it just requires more resourcefulness, patience, and persistence than you’ve so far demonstrated. How much do you want it? Only the greatest degree of creativity and ingenuity will yield it to you. Now that you know what’s necessary to get what you desire, all that’s left is to either commit, full-on, to getting it, or just give up and go lie down.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You’re a golden bull this week. People will feel inclined to worship you on pedestals constructed from their own self-sacrificial intentions. Please bear in mind: as flattering as all this attention must be, it’s not healthy—for you or them. Climb down from the pedestal, and make your hapless admirers realize that you all belong on the same level (whether it’s down here or up there). This may be harder than you think, but persist anyway; the relief you feel when you’re no longer bearing the burden and responsibility of people’s faith and devotion will more than outweigh the ego massage of taking it on.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Frivolity is your main agenda, according to some. You are liable to take it to extremes, enrolling in classes like Astral Projection and Cloud Sculpting 101, wherein you devote the bulk of your time to pursuits which, if you asked those naysayers, couldn’t possibly be worthwhile. Listen to them if you wish, but consider this first: Isn’t enjoyment of life at least as important as some intangible benefit you might reap in the future? If you can’t ignore your detractors outright, at least ask them what they think you ought to be doing instead of what you really want to do. When you lay your options side by side, I think your choice will be clearer than ever: go play, already.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Your heart, lately, is like one of those beat-up old jalopies that nobody drives anymore, the kind that won’t start until you get it rolling in neutral and then kick it into gear. You need to ask a few friends to start throwing their backs into it, shoving it until it’s moving fast enough to stay running on its own. It would be a shame to let the beautiful thing sit in the backyard and rust when it could be cruising open roads and taking gorgeous people for the rides of their lives, with a little help from you and those who love you already.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Right now the distances you’re covering are so vast that being halfway to your destination still feels like you haven’t started. But don’t worry, the desert you’re crossing isn’t as limitless as it feels; in truth, you only have to cover as much ground as you’ve already managed. Just because the green oasis of your destination still lies beyond the wavy heat trails drifting across your sight doesn’t mean it’s still as unreachable as it was a couple months ago. Persist, sweet Leo, in spite of the obstacles and distances that seem to be ahead. You’re more than strong enough to make it, even if you don’t feel that way right now, and the lush paradise beyond these shifting sands is worth the sweat and tears.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

No revolution would ever stand a chance without Virgos. You’re rarely in the front lines; it’s what happens after a successful coup (whether that overthrow happens inside a relationship, job, or nation) that determines whether or not it’ll be successful, or worse than the regime it displaced. In other words, without the organizational savvy of your tribe, gun-toting rebels would soon fall apart, leaving nothing as their legacy except destruction. When you’re privy to the seeds of a revolution this week, let those in charge know whether you’re behind it or not; believe it or not, you’re in a position to make it or break it.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

When a possum crawled into his wall to die a few years ago, my friend Chris was haunted for months by what became known as The Smell. The lingering scent of death and rot refused to be suppressed, ignored, or banished, and the offending corpse lay completely out of reach of any human intervention, leaving him no choice but to just live with it until eventually it faded. This is something like what you’ve endured the past few months; a tremendous burden that you couldn’t help feeling a little sorry for at times, even while you resented it. It was so omnipresent that you occasionally almost forgot to notice it, so at first this may seem like one of those moments—until you take a deep breath and realize that this time, it’s actually, finally, gone.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Resist looking under the rug where all your life’s grunge has been swept the past three months, because when you discover it still lurking there, perhaps multiplying and festering, you’ll become too depressed to do anything about it. That mess needs to be cleaned up soon, make no mistake, just not this week, when it’ll just bury you in filth instead of motivating you to clean it all up. For now, ignore the disgusting detritus of your recent screw-ups. Instead, please concentrate on not adding to them, by staying focused on the tasks at hand.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You believe in second chances, don’t you? At least you did the last few times you needed one. So don’t be a hypocrite now. When you’ve screwed up, people have been kind enough to cut you a break, or a deal. Now that you’re the one who’s been screwed by someone else’s mistake, you’re in a position to be petty, demanding, and unforgiving, or to be gracious and compassionate. You know what to do, sweet Sagittarius. Even if the latter requires tremendous amounts of self-sacrifice, self-control, and slick compensation, I hope you choose it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Sometimes when her students were exceptionally restless, especially on hot days in late Spring, my elementary school teacher would turn out the lights and instruct us all to put our heads down on our desks for a little while. Naturally, if this had been a routine thing, it would never have worked; we’d have wreaked all sorts of mischief. But the change from our daily grind was so welcome, it had exactly the effect intended; we were soothed and calmed. You need this kind of breather; a real break from the oppressive burden of your routine. Turn out the lights, Cap. Put your head down on the desk for a while and… just breathe.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

If the walls are talking, no one’s listening. I certainly don’t want to feed into any latent psychoses that might be lurking in your subconscious, but the universe has been whispering subtle clues and very quietly offering divine guidance over the past week. Unfortunately, you’re either just deaf enough to miss these hints, or ignoring them. If it’s the former, simply paying attention ought to be enough to help you play catch-up; if you’re being deliberately obtuse, however, you almost deserve what you get. Don’t let self-defeating attitudes keep you from making shit happen; if you miss out, it’s not just you who suffers—it’s everyone who shares your heart, head, or house.